UNIVERSAL DONOR: MA VIE EN CROUTE
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Universal Donor
We can ill afford another Klendathu You are just a number to me! And that number is: PAGES UD MADE: My Books Page My Reviews Page My Reference Page My Music Page My Pictures My Store UD-RELATED PAGES: My LiveJournal My MySpace music page My Flickr page My del.icio.us page My Last.fm page My Amazon Wishlist HEAVY ROTATION Dan Deacon: Bromst Animal Collective: Merriweather Post Pavillion Bon Iver: For Emma, Forever Ago Vampire Weekend: Vampire Weekend Fleet Foxes: Fleet Foxes BLOGS ETC claude le monde nuncstans rock 'em stock 'em tomato nation postmodern drunkard tuckova 22 ghastly mess constintina total virility fuzzysquid drunken bee stacey nightmare elyse from ANTM stereolabrat dark side points jf_franklin 123 i love you READ NOW brotherhood 2.0 NOT BLOGS ETC qwantz (dinosaur comix) go fug yourself the burg cat and girl book of ratings married to the sea icanhascheezburger fire joe morgan fivethirtyeight.com READ NOW hospitality on parade WEIRD LOVE dead amusement pks craters! all content © 2002-2010 Jeremy Broomfield
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Monday, June 24, 2002
I'm a patriot, but I can't join the Army. I'm classified as 8F, which means I'm twice as unfit as a 300-pound pegleg with a heart murmur and a glass eye. Right now, a quick mental scan reveals moderate to severe pain in about 40% of my body parts. I don't suppose Army boots come standard with arch supports, do they? And forget about those giant canvas sacks of gear -- I have a bad back. I bet guns are heavy, too. Criss-crossed bandoliers of armor-piercing ammo look wicked cool, but I can already feel my spine compressing and my lower back spasming. I'd be on the ground, screaming for a medic on the first day of boot camp.
So what about military intelligence? Isn't there a part of the army where all the nerds go, just hustled past the grunts and the exercise? I'm a big ol' smarty-pants, at least as smart as Doogie Howser's character in Starship Troopers, who got assigned to a division called "Games & Theory." That's right up my alley. (Except he was a psychic -- do I need to be a psychic to play Army games?) Also, if it's hot, I need air conditioning. I need a comfortable bed, not too soft, not too hard. And an ergonomic chair. And a fast internet connection. Okay, listen. Is there any capacity in which I can serve my country. . . on a 24-hour morphine drip? Because I think that might work for me. Ooh! How about Veteran? Can I be a Veteran? Yay! I am so very proud to be able to serve my country. Which bed is mine? 0 comments |
OTHER REVIEWS: Scrabble NEW! LATEST BOOK REVIEWS: The Game Moneyball One-Upsmanship Siddhartha You need the Fear Not Guide to Life. Buy it already. ($4) Now available! The Broomfield Variations CD ($10) or go to The UD Store
MY IMAGINARY GIRLFRIENDS Chan Marshall Rotem of the IDF Eleanor Friedberger Amy Goodman Bernardine Dohrn ('69) Maya Rudolph Joanna Newsom Imogen Heap Caroline Dhavernas Shana Rae Ray DISALLOWED FOREVER "I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!" - "from whence" - "...the exception that proves the rule" - any use of the question "spit or swallow?" - the phrase "drop trou" - fake-o reviewer verbs: "penned" for wrote "helmed" for directed "lensed" for whatever - "expat" - the euphemism "passed away" - pronouncing merci beaucoup as "mercy buckets!" (see also: "grassy-ass!") PET PEEVES "confinscated" - trying children "as adults" - "drownded" - misuse of reflexive pronouns, as when someone says "Please talk to Bob or myself." Come on people now. "Myself" is not just a fancy version of "me"! LEARN IT. - tattoos in the Courier font - any use of Comic Sans |