UNIVERSAL DONOR: MA VIE EN CROUTE
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Universal Donor
We can ill afford another Klendathu You are just a number to me! And that number is: PAGES UD MADE: My Books Page My Reviews Page My Reference Page My Music Page My Pictures My Store UD-RELATED PAGES: My LiveJournal My MySpace music page My Flickr page My del.icio.us page My Last.fm page My Amazon Wishlist HEAVY ROTATION Dan Deacon: Bromst Animal Collective: Merriweather Post Pavillion Bon Iver: For Emma, Forever Ago Vampire Weekend: Vampire Weekend Fleet Foxes: Fleet Foxes BLOGS ETC claude le monde nuncstans rock 'em stock 'em tomato nation postmodern drunkard tuckova 22 ghastly mess constintina total virility fuzzysquid drunken bee stacey nightmare elyse from ANTM stereolabrat dark side points jf_franklin 123 i love you READ NOW brotherhood 2.0 NOT BLOGS ETC qwantz (dinosaur comix) go fug yourself the burg cat and girl book of ratings married to the sea icanhascheezburger fire joe morgan fivethirtyeight.com READ NOW hospitality on parade WEIRD LOVE dead amusement pks craters! all content © 2002-2010 Jeremy Broomfield
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Thursday, June 20, 2002
In today's busy modern world, few of us have time to waste on dipshits and morons. Over the years, I've developed a near foolproof system for figuring out which people I never want to see or speak to again within five minutes of meeting them. Like, for example, any of the many guys that hang out on the street and say, "Smile," to me when I'm walking by, as if I were pissed off before, but now that some layabout who passes the day standing on the goddam corner has reminded me to look happy, my spirits will be suddenly lifted. 1) No. 2) Get a belt and an operation to have your vocal chords removed. These men believe they are charming and graceful, when often they are actually unemployable and inarticulate. Then there are the kinds of girls who think it's attractive to walk around with a layer of flesh-colored liquid caked on their faces, creating a "foundation" on which to justify my utter and immediate distaste for them. These women are the kind that think John Grisham crafts literary pearls and frat boy cum is a suitable eye make-up remover. I have nothing more to say about them. Anyone who says anything like, "We should just bomb it off the map," "I don't care who gets in 'cause I don't vote anyway," "I'm going to give part of my winnings to the church," or, "Oh yeah, I'm totally into music. I love Nickelback," deserves a swift death at the hands of a black bear. Ditto anyone who has ever stood up at a talk show taping and said to someone on the stage, "You think you look good, but you don't," or any variant on such poetry. Uh-uh. Go away. We won't serve you here.
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MY IMAGINARY GIRLFRIENDS Chan Marshall Rotem of the IDF Eleanor Friedberger Amy Goodman Bernardine Dohrn ('69) Maya Rudolph Joanna Newsom Imogen Heap Caroline Dhavernas Shana Rae Ray DISALLOWED FOREVER "I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!" - "from whence" - "...the exception that proves the rule" - any use of the question "spit or swallow?" - the phrase "drop trou" - fake-o reviewer verbs: "penned" for wrote "helmed" for directed "lensed" for whatever - "expat" - the euphemism "passed away" - pronouncing merci beaucoup as "mercy buckets!" (see also: "grassy-ass!") PET PEEVES "confinscated" - trying children "as adults" - "drownded" - misuse of reflexive pronouns, as when someone says "Please talk to Bob or myself." Come on people now. "Myself" is not just a fancy version of "me"! LEARN IT. - tattoos in the Courier font - any use of Comic Sans |