Universal Donor
We can ill afford
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You are just a number
to me! And that number
is:

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PAGES UD MADE:

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My Books Page

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My Reviews Page

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My Reference Page

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My Music Page

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My Pictures

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My Store

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UD-RELATED PAGES:

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My LiveJournal

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My MySpace music page

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My Flickr page

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My del.icio.us page

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My Last.fm page

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My Amazon Wishlist

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HEAVY ROTATION

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Dan Deacon:
Bromst
Animal Collective:
Merriweather Post Pavillion
Bon Iver:
For Emma, Forever Ago
Vampire Weekend:
Vampire Weekend
Fleet Foxes:
Fleet Foxes

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BLOGS ETC

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claude le monde
nuncstans
rock 'em stock 'em
tomato nation
postmodern drunkard
tuckova 22
ghastly mess
constintina
total virility
fuzzysquid
drunken bee
stacey nightmare
elyse from ANTM
stereolabrat
dark side points
jf_franklin
123 i love you READ NOW
brotherhood 2.0

NOT BLOGS ETC

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qwantz (dinosaur comix)
go fug yourself
the burg
cat and girl
book of ratings
married to the sea
icanhascheezburger
fire joe morgan
fivethirtyeight.com
READ NOW
hospitality on parade

WEIRD LOVE

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dead amusement pks
craters!

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all content
© 2002-2010
Jeremy Broomfield

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PRAISE & REVIEWS

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"[UD] is a genius."
--Christian Oates

"[Claudia] is fucking awesome, and [UD] is a genius. And vice versa. You should all buy Fear Not."
--Tricia Howey



MOTTO

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egeo huic vigorum

MY WRESTLING NAME

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Titan Gently

MY PUNK NAME

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Razor Ection







WHO LINKS TO UD?

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• from Technorati
• from Google
• from Yahoo



and here's something
weird: my place
in Humor 3-space

  I don't want to go to the bathroom anymore; I'm done with it. And when I say "go to the bathroom," I really mean "piss and shit." Or as PW would say, "urinate and make a boom-boom." (She might say that, but she'd never write it here, because apparently her fucking fingers are broken from all the hobo-fisting she does as an adjunct to her main business of hobo-blowing.)
     So I'm done with the whole waste elimination thing, because it is gross as hell. I don't have a problem with GOING to the actual bathROOM -- it's a nice room, and it's where I keep my toothbrush and cotton balls. Which now that I think about it is kinda gross, too. There's probably vaporized piss and shit all over my cotton balls. Or as PW would say, "urine and poo-poo on my cloudy-puffs," because she has the brain of a five-year-old and sucks hobo cock for money to buy the paint stripper she huffs all day. She calls it "Mama's huff'n sauce," and smiles her toothless smile as she absent-mindedly pulls clumps of hair from her head.
     ANYway. It'll be easy to stop going to the bathroom, because I'm not all that big on eating, either. Sure, I get excited about a fancy meal dripping with fats and juices and salts and sugars and leeks and whatever, but it's a trick, see? Your body gets drooly at the sight of a porterhouse because it wants nutrients, but if the nutrients were taken care of, you wouldn't look twice at a candy bar unless it were sticking out of someone's ass. In that case, you'd look cuz you'd be like "why does that dude have a candy bar in his ass?"
     The answer to the nutrient problem, as always, comes from 50's sci-fi movies: food pills. Compress everything I need into a little ball and I'm good to go. Man, when I think of the time I've wasted! Thinking of what to eat, getting food, eating food, cleaning up after eating food, vomiting up food, washing dishes because I couldn't pay for food, picking diamonds out of my shit. . . no more! That's time I can spend writing music, watching samurai movies in slo-mo, or ransacking hobo's bindles as they're being pleasured by my dearest roommate and co-blogger, Pussy Willow.
     Or better yet, just hook me up to one of those magical hospital drip bags that comatose people have. Damn those lazy lucky coma fucks, they've got it made, right? Give me some coma dude's bag and hook something else up at the other end to collect whatever minimal waste my body creates. Or, I don't know, hollow out my calf and let it fill up with shit, and I'll empty it once a week. Then you can sew up my asshole and LET ME GET SOME GODDAMN WORK DONE.
posted by Universal Donor 3:35 PM 0 comments

OTHER REVIEWS:
Scrabble NEW!

LATEST BOOK REVIEWS:
The Game
Moneyball
One-Upsmanship
Siddhartha

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You need the
Fear Not Guide to Life.
Buy it already. ($4)

Now available!
The Broomfield Variations CD
($10)

or go to The UD Store

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MY IMAGINARY GIRLFRIENDS

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Chan Marshall
Rotem of the IDF
Eleanor Friedberger
Amy Goodman
Bernardine Dohrn ('69)
Maya Rudolph
Joanna Newsom
Imogen Heap
Caroline Dhavernas

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Shana Rae Ray

DISALLOWED FOREVER

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"I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!"
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"from whence"
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"...the exception that proves the rule"
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any use of the question "spit or swallow?"
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the phrase "drop trou"
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fake-o reviewer verbs:
"penned" for wrote
"helmed" for directed
"lensed" for whatever
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"expat"
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the euphemism
"passed away"
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pronouncing merci beaucoup as "mercy buckets!"
(see also: "grassy-ass!")

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PET PEEVES

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"confinscated"
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trying children "as adults"
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"drownded"
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misuse of reflexive pronouns, as when someone says "Please talk to Bob or myself." Come on people now. "Myself" is not just a fancy version of "me"! LEARN IT.
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tattoos in the Courier font
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any use of Comic Sans

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