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© 2002-2010
Jeremy Broomfield



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PRAISE & REVIEWS

"[UD] is a genius."
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"[Claudia] is fucking awesome, and [UD] is a genius. And vice versa. You should all buy Fear Not."
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and here's something
weird: my place
in Humor 3-space

Tuesday, October 29, 2002
 
If you had asked me a month ago if I intended to see Jackass The Movie, I would have exhaled a firehose-like rope of vomit into your face. Then, I would have given you a five-fingered ham sermon. After warming my knuckles on your nose, I would have said "no." And MTV would have sent back the tape without opening it. The Jackass "concept" sounded boring and sadistic; I've seen idiots before, and I get no joy out of seeing them get hurt. What a low-budget waste of time, right?
     But I saw the movie last night, and my stomach still hurts from laughing. I hate myself a little, but I want to hang out with Johnny Knoxville a lot. I feel superior, but wimpy. I feel mature, but also old and fragile. On the surface, JTM is about the atavistic joy found in the misfortune of others. But because I'm a fatass nerdypants, I'm gonna say it's a lot more complex than that.
     Jackass imagines a world where irresponsibility is rewarded and consequences are nonexistant. Superannuated skate punks devise viscous stunts to hurt their friends, and between stunts they just kick and punch each other in the nuts. Parents only exist to be battered, and women -- with their emotions, concerns, and hassles -- don't exist at all. Time knits all bones and a producer with a stack of cash will take care of any injured bystanders or victims.
     It's all very seductive, and a nice break from reality. In real life, I don't want to hang out with those guys. I hung out with them in high school, and I got my fill then. PW is soaking her shorts over Bam Margera, who is undeniably cute, physically fit, and unflinchingly cruel. In other words, the perfect boyfriend. But like I said, there are no girlfriends in Jackass. In fact, Jackass may be the gayest thing I've seen since Bruce La Bruce's Hustler White, which, on a scale of straight to flaming, rated approximately Hiroshima.
     What's my rambling stupid point? I think I'd need 20 pages to sort that out. But what it boils down to is that the movie, if you can stomach it, is deleriously stimulating. Whatever you feel for the cast -- judgment, scorn, hatred, pity, admiration, envy, love, sexypants, hunger, whatever -- you feel something. For me, that was more unexpected than a kick in the nuts from my best friend. Ugh. What a terrible summary. I feel so dirty for recommending this movie. Tonight I will scrub my flesh with Brillo pads.

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MY IMAGINARY GIRLFRIENDS

Chan Marshall
Rotem of the IDF
Eleanor Friedberger
Amy Goodman
Bernardine Dohrn ('69)
Maya Rudolph
Joanna Newsom
Imogen Heap
Caroline Dhavernas

Shana Rae Ray

DISALLOWED FOREVER

"I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!"
-
"from whence"
-
"...the exception that proves the rule"
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any use of the question "spit or swallow?"
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the phrase "drop trou"
-
fake-o reviewer verbs:
"penned" for wrote
"helmed" for directed
"lensed" for whatever
-
"expat"
-
the euphemism
"passed away"
-
pronouncing merci beaucoup as "mercy buckets!"
(see also: "grassy-ass!")



PET PEEVES

"confinscated"
-
trying children "as adults"
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"drownded"
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misuse of reflexive pronouns, as when someone says "Please talk to Bob or myself." Come on people now. "Myself" is not just a fancy version of "me"! LEARN IT.
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tattoos in the Courier font
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any use of Comic Sans