Universal Donor
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You are just a number
to me! And that number
is:

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PAGES UD MADE:

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My Books Page

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My Reviews Page

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My Reference Page

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My Music Page

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My Pictures

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My Store

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UD-RELATED PAGES:

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My LiveJournal

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My MySpace music page

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My Flickr page

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My del.icio.us page

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My Last.fm page

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My Amazon Wishlist

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HEAVY ROTATION

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Dan Deacon:
Bromst
Animal Collective:
Merriweather Post Pavillion
Bon Iver:
For Emma, Forever Ago
Vampire Weekend:
Vampire Weekend
Fleet Foxes:
Fleet Foxes

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BLOGS ETC

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claude le monde
nuncstans
rock 'em stock 'em
tomato nation
postmodern drunkard
tuckova 22
ghastly mess
constintina
total virility
fuzzysquid
drunken bee
stacey nightmare
elyse from ANTM
stereolabrat
dark side points
jf_franklin
123 i love you READ NOW
brotherhood 2.0

NOT BLOGS ETC

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qwantz (dinosaur comix)
go fug yourself
the burg
cat and girl
book of ratings
married to the sea
icanhascheezburger
fire joe morgan
fivethirtyeight.com
READ NOW
hospitality on parade

WEIRD LOVE

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dead amusement pks
craters!

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all content
© 2002-2010
Jeremy Broomfield

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PRAISE & REVIEWS

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"[UD] is a genius."
--Christian Oates

"[Claudia] is fucking awesome, and [UD] is a genius. And vice versa. You should all buy Fear Not."
--Tricia Howey



MOTTO

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egeo huic vigorum

MY WRESTLING NAME

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Titan Gently

MY PUNK NAME

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Razor Ection







WHO LINKS TO UD?

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• from Technorati
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and here's something
weird: my place
in Humor 3-space

  I am surrounded by drunken hookers. By "drunken" I mean "shit-faced" and by "hookers" I mean "girls I know." There's enough alcohol in my female friends' bloodstreams to disinfect Bombay. This is not a criticism, or a judgment. It's just an observation. All mah bitches be blotto.
     The inimitable Guzzler got Drunk this weekend. She hopped from two nasty East Village dives to Enid's, in Greenpoint, where I sat watching some other drunken hookers get steeped. Fast forward to 3:45. She does that thing I hate where she's got half a beer at last call but orders another anyway because, hey, it's last call. Like she's some kind of helpless robot who can't help but execute her program -- BoozBot5000. Then, when the bartender is doing everything but swinging a stool over her head to make us leave, Guzzler can't stumble in the general direction of the door until she finishes that beer, because apparently the Alcoholism Enforcers will issue her a ticket for some made-up frat boy infraction called "sandbagging." Which as far as I can tell means "behaving with a barely protozoan level of basic self-preservation and restraint." So I'm like "you DON'T HAVE TO FINISH IT. LET'S GO," which really means "I don't want to have to CARRY YOUR DRUNKEN ASS TO THE CAR SERVICE." But she must, and she does.
     Fast forward to 4:30, where after a long zig-zaggy walk to N6th Guzzler feels the predictable effect of emptying a keg into a bladder the size of a tennis ball. "I'll be right back," she says, walking serpentine (to avoid snipers, I guess) around the corner. Then there are cops, and then they are asking for her ID, and then there is a protracted period of ticket-writing and whiny fake-crying, the end result of which is tickets for public exposure and public urination.
     Which all of us find amusing except, bizarrely, Guzzler herself. It's bizarre because this is just the kind of tale that litters her seemingly endless repertoire of "oh my god one time (I/we/you/they) (was/were) so (drunk/high/fucked up)..." stories that she finds VERY AMUSING. Not only was she not amused, she actually had the gall to complain. For hours. About getting a ticket. For PEEING ON THE STREET. I mean come on now.
     Suck it up, bwah! You got busted fair and square. Maybe if you had actually tried to CONCEAL YOURSELF a little bit instead of basically peeing on the cruiser's hood, you wouldn't have gotten pinched, but you had it coming. If you got a ticket everytime you watered the cobblestones, the city wouldn't have a budget crisis. SO SHUT THE HOLE ALREADY!
posted by Universal Donor 4:09 PM 0 comments

OTHER REVIEWS:
Scrabble NEW!

LATEST BOOK REVIEWS:
The Game
Moneyball
One-Upsmanship
Siddhartha

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You need the
Fear Not Guide to Life.
Buy it already. ($4)

Now available!
The Broomfield Variations CD
($10)

or go to The UD Store

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MY IMAGINARY GIRLFRIENDS

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Chan Marshall
Rotem of the IDF
Eleanor Friedberger
Amy Goodman
Bernardine Dohrn ('69)
Maya Rudolph
Joanna Newsom
Imogen Heap
Caroline Dhavernas

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Shana Rae Ray

DISALLOWED FOREVER

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"I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!"
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"from whence"
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"...the exception that proves the rule"
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any use of the question "spit or swallow?"
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the phrase "drop trou"
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fake-o reviewer verbs:
"penned" for wrote
"helmed" for directed
"lensed" for whatever
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"expat"
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the euphemism
"passed away"
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pronouncing merci beaucoup as "mercy buckets!"
(see also: "grassy-ass!")

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PET PEEVES

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"confinscated"
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trying children "as adults"
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"drownded"
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misuse of reflexive pronouns, as when someone says "Please talk to Bob or myself." Come on people now. "Myself" is not just a fancy version of "me"! LEARN IT.
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tattoos in the Courier font
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any use of Comic Sans

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