Universal Donor
We can ill afford
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You are just a number
to me! And that number
is:

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PAGES UD MADE:

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My Books Page

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My Reviews Page

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My Reference Page

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My Music Page

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My Pictures

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My Store

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UD-RELATED PAGES:

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My LiveJournal

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My MySpace music page

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My Flickr page

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My del.icio.us page

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My Last.fm page

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My Amazon Wishlist

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HEAVY ROTATION

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Dan Deacon:
Bromst
Animal Collective:
Merriweather Post Pavillion
Bon Iver:
For Emma, Forever Ago
Vampire Weekend:
Vampire Weekend
Fleet Foxes:
Fleet Foxes

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BLOGS ETC

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claude le monde
nuncstans
rock 'em stock 'em
tomato nation
postmodern drunkard
tuckova 22
ghastly mess
constintina
total virility
fuzzysquid
drunken bee
stacey nightmare
elyse from ANTM
stereolabrat
dark side points
jf_franklin
123 i love you READ NOW
brotherhood 2.0

NOT BLOGS ETC

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qwantz (dinosaur comix)
go fug yourself
the burg
cat and girl
book of ratings
married to the sea
icanhascheezburger
fire joe morgan
fivethirtyeight.com
READ NOW
hospitality on parade

WEIRD LOVE

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dead amusement pks
craters!

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all content
© 2002-2010
Jeremy Broomfield

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PRAISE & REVIEWS

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"[UD] is a genius."
--Christian Oates

"[Claudia] is fucking awesome, and [UD] is a genius. And vice versa. You should all buy Fear Not."
--Tricia Howey



MOTTO

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egeo huic vigorum

MY WRESTLING NAME

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Titan Gently

MY PUNK NAME

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Razor Ection







WHO LINKS TO UD?

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• from Technorati
• from Google
• from Yahoo



and here's something
weird: my place
in Humor 3-space

  Insomnia 101: How To Not Fall Asleep
Stay up past designated "bedtime." Chain smoke before bed, and in bed, and while asleep. Be weary but wired. Place head on pillow. Close eyes. Laugh at your foolish optimism. Make room completely dark by pulling shades. Get back in bed, wonder why your eyes like being open more than closed. Turn off all electronic devices to eliminate that high-pitched whine and the light from small LEDs. Breathe deeply and get frustrated. Construct theories to explain unanswered zombie questions (like how come zombie attacks are always localized?). Turn on other side. Breathe. Take sleeping pill. Lay flat on back and stare at ceiling. Wonder how you can still see the ceiling when the room should be completely dark. Get up and seal cracks between shade and window with duct tape. Stub toe and say "fuck" a lot. Get in bed.
     Stay perfectly still, for real. Let mind go blank. Blank. Listen to roommate laughing at funny movie in living room. Wonder what could be so fucking funny. Think of something funny. Laugh. Stop laughing. Think of a brilliant idea that you will forget by the time you wake up and that you will never ever remember even though it's the most brilliant idea ever. Stay perfectly still. Stay still. Do not move. Get out of bed and write down brilliantest idea ever. Oh now look how stupid it is on paper! Get back in bed, tardpants. Count backwards from 100, lose interest at 90. Flop around like beached fish. Go get glass of water to quench sudden thirst. Curse ancestors. Get in bed. Curse unborn descendents. Take another sleeping pill. Eat bowl of dick. Let endless stream of thoughts course through brain like so many greased eels. Relax already. Relax. Take a muscle relaxant. Get up, lay out clothes for tomorrow. Oh, whatever shall you wear? Maybe THE SAME JEANS YOU WEAR EVERY "CASUAL" FUCKING FRIDAY? Fucking fuckballs.
     Get in bed. Close your eyes. Get up and chug some vodka. Take some Advil for your aching, pulsing, throbbing back. Watch the digital clock and try to catch the minute change. Look away just before it does. Scissor-kick your legs so that if somebody were looking at you from above, it would seem like you were running! In bed! Wah ha ha! Cry. Take a handful of random pills, and some Tums. Have sex with that cute girl from high school. Eat brains. Walk up an endless staircase and fly back down. Eat pineapple with an old friend in a room that's kinda like a courtroom, only not. Turn off screaming alarm. Get up. Go to work with eyebags as big and sad as Chechnya.
posted by Universal Donor 2:18 PM 0 comments

OTHER REVIEWS:
Scrabble NEW!

LATEST BOOK REVIEWS:
The Game
Moneyball
One-Upsmanship
Siddhartha

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You need the
Fear Not Guide to Life.
Buy it already. ($4)

Now available!
The Broomfield Variations CD
($10)

or go to The UD Store

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MY IMAGINARY GIRLFRIENDS

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Chan Marshall
Rotem of the IDF
Eleanor Friedberger
Amy Goodman
Bernardine Dohrn ('69)
Maya Rudolph
Joanna Newsom
Imogen Heap
Caroline Dhavernas

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Shana Rae Ray

DISALLOWED FOREVER

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"I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!"
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"from whence"
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"...the exception that proves the rule"
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any use of the question "spit or swallow?"
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the phrase "drop trou"
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fake-o reviewer verbs:
"penned" for wrote
"helmed" for directed
"lensed" for whatever
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"expat"
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the euphemism
"passed away"
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pronouncing merci beaucoup as "mercy buckets!"
(see also: "grassy-ass!")

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PET PEEVES

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"confinscated"
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trying children "as adults"
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"drownded"
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misuse of reflexive pronouns, as when someone says "Please talk to Bob or myself." Come on people now. "Myself" is not just a fancy version of "me"! LEARN IT.
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tattoos in the Courier font
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any use of Comic Sans

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