UNIVERSAL DONOR: MA VIE EN CROUTE
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Universal Donor
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You are just a number to me! And that number is: PAGES UD MADE: My Books Page My Reviews Page My Reference Page My Music Page My Pictures My Store UD-RELATED PAGES: My LiveJournal My MySpace music page My Flickr page My del.icio.us page My Last.fm page My Amazon Wishlist HEAVY ROTATION Dan Deacon: Bromst Animal Collective: Merriweather Post Pavillion Bon Iver: For Emma, Forever Ago Vampire Weekend: Vampire Weekend Fleet Foxes: Fleet Foxes BLOGS ETC claude le monde nuncstans rock 'em stock 'em tomato nation postmodern drunkard tuckova 22 ghastly mess constintina total virility fuzzysquid drunken bee stacey nightmare elyse from ANTM stereolabrat dark side points jf_franklin 123 i love you READ NOW brotherhood 2.0 NOT BLOGS ETC qwantz (dinosaur comix) go fug yourself the burg cat and girl book of ratings married to the sea icanhascheezburger fire joe morgan fivethirtyeight.com READ NOW hospitality on parade WEIRD LOVE dead amusement pks craters! all content © 2002-2010 Jeremy Broomfield 
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Thursday, January 16, 2003
Last year, U.S. surgeons left instruments inside 1,500 patients, which is why I always operate on myself. (I learned to do this from an depression-era Appalachian home-surgery manual called "It's Cuttin' Time, Maw!" Its methods may be unsanitary, but at least they're unpretentious.) Actually, I don't think I'd mind walking around with a scalpel or bone chisel in my gut. That's pretty badass. As long as it didn't, like, damage any organs.
As I've mentioned many many many times, I looove doctors, even the fake ones (i.e. podiatrists, chiropractors, and Doogie Howser), and I think we should support them in their cynical and rapacious pursuit of great riches while nominally in service to the well-being of others. Kidding! They also give me pills! No, no, no. It's a tough life, being a doctor. Man, those premiums are high! Man, med school is tough! Man, that diploma looks fake! Man, I sure wish this dude hadn't left A PIECE OF SHARP STABBY METAL IN MY ABDOMEN! The solution to the problem is to have all surgical tools attached to a rack by high-tension elastic bands. That way, when the sawbones is done poking or cutting stuff, he can just let go of the lancet, and it will snap back and ricochet safely around the room until it comes to rest somewhere outside of the patient. I actually built a prototype of this ElastiRack, to make sure I don't leave any knives in my steak. It works like a charm. 0 comments |
OTHER REVIEWS: Scrabble NEW! LATEST BOOK REVIEWS: The Game Moneyball One-Upsmanship Siddhartha You need the Fear Not Guide to Life. Buy it already. ($4) Now available! The Broomfield Variations CD ($10) or go to The UD Store 
MY IMAGINARY GIRLFRIENDS Chan Marshall Rotem of the IDF Eleanor Friedberger Amy Goodman Bernardine Dohrn ('69) Maya Rudolph Joanna Newsom Imogen Heap Caroline Dhavernas Shana Rae Ray DISALLOWED FOREVER "I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!" - "from whence" - "...the exception that proves the rule" - any use of the question "spit or swallow?" - the phrase "drop trou" - fake-o reviewer verbs: "penned" for wrote "helmed" for directed "lensed" for whatever - "expat" - the euphemism "passed away" - pronouncing merci beaucoup as "mercy buckets!" (see also: "grassy-ass!") PET PEEVES "confinscated" - trying children "as adults" - "drownded" - misuse of reflexive pronouns, as when someone says "Please talk to Bob or myself." Come on people now. "Myself" is not just a fancy version of "me"! LEARN IT. - tattoos in the Courier font - any use of Comic Sans |