Universal Donor
We can ill afford
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You are just a number
to me! And that number
is:

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PAGES UD MADE:

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My Books Page

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My Reviews Page

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My Reference Page

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My Music Page

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My Pictures

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My Store

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UD-RELATED PAGES:

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My LiveJournal

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My MySpace music page

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My Flickr page

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My del.icio.us page

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My Last.fm page

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My Amazon Wishlist

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HEAVY ROTATION

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Dan Deacon:
Bromst
Animal Collective:
Merriweather Post Pavillion
Bon Iver:
For Emma, Forever Ago
Vampire Weekend:
Vampire Weekend
Fleet Foxes:
Fleet Foxes

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BLOGS ETC

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claude le monde
nuncstans
rock 'em stock 'em
tomato nation
postmodern drunkard
tuckova 22
ghastly mess
constintina
total virility
fuzzysquid
drunken bee
stacey nightmare
elyse from ANTM
stereolabrat
dark side points
jf_franklin
123 i love you READ NOW
brotherhood 2.0

NOT BLOGS ETC

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qwantz (dinosaur comix)
go fug yourself
the burg
cat and girl
book of ratings
married to the sea
icanhascheezburger
fire joe morgan
fivethirtyeight.com
READ NOW
hospitality on parade

WEIRD LOVE

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dead amusement pks
craters!

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all content
© 2002-2010
Jeremy Broomfield

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PRAISE & REVIEWS

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"[UD] is a genius."
--Christian Oates

"[Claudia] is fucking awesome, and [UD] is a genius. And vice versa. You should all buy Fear Not."
--Tricia Howey



MOTTO

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egeo huic vigorum

MY WRESTLING NAME

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Titan Gently

MY PUNK NAME

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Razor Ection







WHO LINKS TO UD?

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• from Technorati
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and here's something
weird: my place
in Humor 3-space

  When I think of all the places I've masturbated, I cannot believe that I've never gotten caught in the act. Yes, I take suitable precautions to prevent detection, but shouldn't the odds have caught up with me by now? Nobody's ever walked in on me having sex, either. What's up with that? Seriously, I used to jerk off everywhere, and a straw poll of my peers shows that while most 18-25 year old boys are vigorous practitioners of the "sticky science," I was above average in the field of wanking, as well as everything else. What an obnoxious overachiever. High SATs; a staggering vocabulary; the ability to ace tests without taking ANY NOTES AT ALL, EVER; perfect pitch; regional Set champion; unparalleled production and release of semen. How's that for an extracurricular?
     [The following sentence should be read aloud in a Lucky Charms-type Irish accent] Ah, but I remember 'twas in college that I really polished my technique -- and me shillelagh! I had a rule about not having sex with people until I'd known them for three weeks (I know, I know, shut up), and accordingly I felt an undue pressure in my, um, ballsack. You know? So basically, if I was left alone for five minutes, it was Hammer Time (you can touch this!). Ha ha! That was funny: I just said "Hammer Time" as a euphemism for masturbation! Whee! I assure you, until today I have never associated MC Hammer with sexual gratification. Seriously. ANYWAY. So if you were my friend freshman year, I jerked off in your room. I christened the bathrooms of every new building I entered. Also the library. Also several quads (the large grassy areas inside a ring of buildings usually filled with hackysacking fucktards) and a number of quads (dorm rooms with four people in them who were stupid enough to leave me unattended). My emissions were received often by a favorite janitorial closet with a utility sink in it, although now I feel bad for the janitor. Oh, but I always felt bad for the janitor. Because I jerked off all over his wife's ass. Kidding!
     And yes, people witnessed some of these events, but it wasn't "getting caught" in those days, because I didn't give a fuck. What I'm saying is that since then, I've loosed my seed in some pretty inappropriate places. Friends, think of where I have been. Have you ever left me alone in a room? Next time you do, check the trash cans for sullied Kleenex. Just so I can see the serious, scolding look on your face as you shake a sopping jizzrag in my face! Wah ha ha!
posted by Universal Donor 3:37 PM 0 comments

OTHER REVIEWS:
Scrabble NEW!

LATEST BOOK REVIEWS:
The Game
Moneyball
One-Upsmanship
Siddhartha

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You need the
Fear Not Guide to Life.
Buy it already. ($4)

Now available!
The Broomfield Variations CD
($10)

or go to The UD Store

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MY IMAGINARY GIRLFRIENDS

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Chan Marshall
Rotem of the IDF
Eleanor Friedberger
Amy Goodman
Bernardine Dohrn ('69)
Maya Rudolph
Joanna Newsom
Imogen Heap
Caroline Dhavernas

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Shana Rae Ray

DISALLOWED FOREVER

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"I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!"
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"from whence"
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"...the exception that proves the rule"
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any use of the question "spit or swallow?"
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the phrase "drop trou"
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fake-o reviewer verbs:
"penned" for wrote
"helmed" for directed
"lensed" for whatever
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"expat"
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the euphemism
"passed away"
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pronouncing merci beaucoup as "mercy buckets!"
(see also: "grassy-ass!")

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PET PEEVES

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"confinscated"
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trying children "as adults"
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"drownded"
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misuse of reflexive pronouns, as when someone says "Please talk to Bob or myself." Come on people now. "Myself" is not just a fancy version of "me"! LEARN IT.
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tattoos in the Courier font
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any use of Comic Sans

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