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HEAVY ROTATION

Dan Deacon:
Bromst
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Merriweather Post Pavillion
Bon Iver:
For Emma, Forever Ago
Vampire Weekend:
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Fleet Foxes:
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BLOGS ETC

claude le monde
nuncstans
rock 'em stock 'em
tomato nation
postmodern drunkard
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ghastly mess
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stacey nightmare
elyse from ANTM
stereolabrat
dark side points
jf_franklin
123 i love you READ NOW
brotherhood 2.0

NOT BLOGS ETC

qwantz (dinosaur comix)
go fug yourself
the burg
cat and girl
book of ratings
married to the sea
icanhascheezburger
fire joe morgan
fivethirtyeight.com
READ NOW
hospitality on parade

WEIRD LOVE

dead amusement pks
craters!


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© 2002-2010
Jeremy Broomfield



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PRAISE & REVIEWS

"[UD] is a genius."
--Christian Oates

"[Claudia] is fucking awesome, and [UD] is a genius. And vice versa. You should all buy Fear Not."
--Tricia Howey



MOTTO

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Titan Gently

MY PUNK NAME

Razor Ection



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and here's something
weird: my place
in Humor 3-space

Tuesday, June 10, 2003
 
Thanks to the miracle of genetics, there are things that you know instinctively, like: don't lick fire; don't jump off cliffs; don't try to breathe orange juice. Nature's operating system gives you a pretty good head start on survival, if you can keep forks out of your eyes until you're in kindergarten.
     Then there are things that you learn very quickly from experience: don't touch a hot stove; don't stare at the sun. Don't tug on Superman's cape (unless you are prepared to get super assfucked with an ice dildo from the Fortress of Solidfood or whatever). What else do we learn? Don't fuck a bag of glass. Don't pet a Rottweiler while wearing a glove made of beef, and don't wear your beef gloves for more than a couple of hours in the summertime. Um, don't eat thumbtacks. Don't tell secrets to the friends who tell you everybody else's secrets. Don't put a hat on the bed.
     And here's something else that everybody knows since potty-training: If a girl (e.g.) wants to sleep in your bed, she is probably willing or eager to have sex with you. If she comes into your room and sits immediately on your bed: ditto, maybe. If she comes over to your place when it's obviously too late to do anything but fuck, she wants to fuck. EVERYBODY KNOWS THIS. Well, everybody but me.
     I have never known it. Even as I explain the phenomenon in detail, I still don't know it. I've always been an idiot, idiot, idiot. I flirt with anything with a pulse, and I do it very well. The only problem is that my flirting isn't intended to lead anywhere. It's just how I interact with humans! Stupid! I'm stupid. So when people act towards me in a wildly flirtatious way, my stupid head thinks: "ah-ha! A flirt of equal skill, unafraid of saucy banter! Let's see how far we can take this! And let's stop thinking in first person plural, because that's totally gaytarded! And for god's sake let's never say, or think, the word 'banter' again! Fuck!"
     It literally does not occur to me that someone wanted to sleep with me until like five days later, when I slap my head with a Snapple bottle for being so dense. The corollary is that I don't know how to change my behavior to indicate ACTUAL flirting (as opposed to default flirting) when I meet someone on whom I would like to mack. (Heh.) It's possible that I stop flirting when I like someone, so girls get confused as hell, and think I'm interested when I'm not, not when I am, or whatever.
     I've seen the hell that some girls go through while trying to decipher the minute hidden meanings of a boy's actions. Oh, it's an agonizing parade of self-doubt, fantasy, and worst-case-scenario prognostication. I would like to apologize, now, to anybody who has ever been confused by me. I'm stupid. I'm sorry.

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MY IMAGINARY GIRLFRIENDS

Chan Marshall
Rotem of the IDF
Eleanor Friedberger
Amy Goodman
Bernardine Dohrn ('69)
Maya Rudolph
Joanna Newsom
Imogen Heap
Caroline Dhavernas

Shana Rae Ray

DISALLOWED FOREVER

"I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!"
-
"from whence"
-
"...the exception that proves the rule"
-
any use of the question "spit or swallow?"
-
the phrase "drop trou"
-
fake-o reviewer verbs:
"penned" for wrote
"helmed" for directed
"lensed" for whatever
-
"expat"
-
the euphemism
"passed away"
-
pronouncing merci beaucoup as "mercy buckets!"
(see also: "grassy-ass!")



PET PEEVES

"confinscated"
-
trying children "as adults"
-
"drownded"
-
misuse of reflexive pronouns, as when someone says "Please talk to Bob or myself." Come on people now. "Myself" is not just a fancy version of "me"! LEARN IT.
-
tattoos in the Courier font
-
any use of Comic Sans