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Jeremy Broomfield



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"[UD] is a genius."
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and here's something
weird: my place
in Humor 3-space

Friday, June 27, 2003
 
Though the stalwart and responsible New York Times carried the story under the six-column-wide headline reserved for major historical events, a quick perusal of the first 20 fucking pages of the goddamn New York Post finds no mention whatsoever of the Supreme Court's decision in Lawrence v. Texas. Therefore, I must accept the possibility that those of you who live in, um, less progressive areas of the country might not have even heard about it.
     Basically, the Court's 6-3 ruling invalidates every sodomy law in the country. Now, most of the 13 states that still had sodomy laws didn't enforce them, and only four of them specifically prohibited same-sex sodomy. But the Supreme Court has just made gay sex explicitly legal. If you know anything about the makeup of the Court, you can probably guess who the dissenters were: William "I am the very model of a modern major judgey-poo, look at my fancy home-made robe, doot de doot de doodley-doo" Rhenquist, Antonin "My eyebrow and I hate civil rights" Scalia, and Clarence "whatever Scalia said" Thomas.
     This is a huge victory for gay rights, and it's particularly gratifying that it bitchslaps the bible-thumpers who've gotten so cozy in the executive branch. Heh. The Reverend Jerry Falwell, lamenting the ruling, said that the Court has put "the right of privacy ahead of respect for community standards of morality which have prevailed for years." YOU'RE GODDAMN FUCKING RIGHT! What's so weird about that, Rev? This is America, the land of the free, where it is now totally legal for John Ashcroft to eat a giant steaming bowl of dick!
     Anyway, sorry to get political, but this is obviously a huge deal. And if you think that, with three justices likely to retire in the near future, President Bush would nominate anyone remotely as moderate as Sandra Day O'Connor, you're as wrong as a hat made of babies. Think about it.
     But for now, let the sodomy begin! Yay!

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MY IMAGINARY GIRLFRIENDS

Chan Marshall
Rotem of the IDF
Eleanor Friedberger
Amy Goodman
Bernardine Dohrn ('69)
Maya Rudolph
Joanna Newsom
Imogen Heap
Caroline Dhavernas

Shana Rae Ray

DISALLOWED FOREVER

"I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!"
-
"from whence"
-
"...the exception that proves the rule"
-
any use of the question "spit or swallow?"
-
the phrase "drop trou"
-
fake-o reviewer verbs:
"penned" for wrote
"helmed" for directed
"lensed" for whatever
-
"expat"
-
the euphemism
"passed away"
-
pronouncing merci beaucoup as "mercy buckets!"
(see also: "grassy-ass!")



PET PEEVES

"confinscated"
-
trying children "as adults"
-
"drownded"
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misuse of reflexive pronouns, as when someone says "Please talk to Bob or myself." Come on people now. "Myself" is not just a fancy version of "me"! LEARN IT.
-
tattoos in the Courier font
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any use of Comic Sans