Universal Donor
We can ill afford
another Klendathu

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You are just a number
to me! And that number
is:

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PAGES UD MADE:

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My Books Page

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My Reviews Page

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My Reference Page

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My Music Page

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My Pictures

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My Store

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UD-RELATED PAGES:

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My LiveJournal

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My MySpace music page

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My Flickr page

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My del.icio.us page

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My Last.fm page

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My Amazon Wishlist

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HEAVY ROTATION

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Dan Deacon:
Bromst
Animal Collective:
Merriweather Post Pavillion
Bon Iver:
For Emma, Forever Ago
Vampire Weekend:
Vampire Weekend
Fleet Foxes:
Fleet Foxes

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BLOGS ETC

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claude le monde
nuncstans
rock 'em stock 'em
tomato nation
postmodern drunkard
tuckova 22
ghastly mess
constintina
total virility
fuzzysquid
drunken bee
stacey nightmare
elyse from ANTM
stereolabrat
dark side points
jf_franklin
123 i love you READ NOW
brotherhood 2.0

NOT BLOGS ETC

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qwantz (dinosaur comix)
go fug yourself
the burg
cat and girl
book of ratings
married to the sea
icanhascheezburger
fire joe morgan
fivethirtyeight.com
READ NOW
hospitality on parade

WEIRD LOVE

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dead amusement pks
craters!

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all content
© 2002-2010
Jeremy Broomfield

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PRAISE & REVIEWS

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"[UD] is a genius."
--Christian Oates

"[Claudia] is fucking awesome, and [UD] is a genius. And vice versa. You should all buy Fear Not."
--Tricia Howey



MOTTO

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egeo huic vigorum

MY WRESTLING NAME

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Titan Gently

MY PUNK NAME

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Razor Ection







WHO LINKS TO UD?

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• from Technorati
• from Google
• from Yahoo



and here's something
weird: my place
in Humor 3-space

  I tend to embrace new technology with the fervor of savage tribes embracing Christianity, or smallpox, or both. For example, I want the chip in my brain that allows me to do my banking from home while hunched over a toilet, puking up Indian food ("GLARFLE transfer $500 to Dr. Klein's gastroenterology practice as down payment... BLARG!... on future reconstruction of throat lining! LARF!"). Put me at the top of the list of potential Mars colonists, where I smell a business opportunity.
     (Actually I smell a movie idea, which please don't steal: it's called Mars Needs Drugs, and it's about how the first Mars colony becomes self-sufficient after ten years, and they declare their independence from Earth because they have no drugs and they are bored bored bored. The powerful drug cartels of Earth immediately launch drug-filled ships to Mars, where they hope to sell at a premium in exchange for, oh, gold or dilithium crystals or something. Earth Cops try to regain control of the colony AND stop the drug dealers from poisoning the only remaining drug-free community, and also they want control of the gold or whatever. So lots of explosions and space fights: Earth cops fighting colonists and drug dealers; competing drug companies fighting each other in the lawless expanse of space; colonists trying to keep it together while getting high for the first time ever. Umm. Maybe some aliens with intoxicating blood, who everybody wants to kill. I dunno, it's a little sketchy at this point. Mostly a title. Don't steal it.)
     So when the Segway Human Transporter came out after its dizzying spree of fabulist hype, I was totally psyched, if a little disappointed. Yes, it looked totally gay. Yes, it was slower and more landbound than a jetpack, which is what we really all wanted. But dude, it's got two wheels and it stands up by itself -- with gyroscopes! If you ever went on family car trips to science museums, you remember buying gyroscopes (or, if you are a girl, watching your brother buy gyroscopes, because girls can't figure that shit out) that would completely shatter into arcs of useless metal after ten tugs of their red strings, which may not have instilled much faith in gyroscopic anything, but still, the word: oh, the word: "Gyroscope." Fuck, that's a good word. If you can ignore the initial images of rotating meat and vaginal exams. Which I can, friends!
     All I am having a very hard time saying is: Give me my Segway now, you fucktards. I don't need one at all, and I would turn into a flabby mass of whooshing nerdlinger in about three months, possibly making Star Trek hand gestures as I wheeled gyroscopically past, but it's a chance I'm willing to take because I am sick of people explaining why Segways are stupid/dangerous/unworkable. Open your fucking eyes, people! Embrace the future! Zoom! If the price we pay for increased mobility is a few crushed pedestrian toes or mutilated homeless children, so be it! Until I get my neoprene morphine harness, this will have to do! ZOOOOM!
posted by Universal Donor 2:00 PM 0 comments

OTHER REVIEWS:
Scrabble NEW!

LATEST BOOK REVIEWS:
The Game
Moneyball
One-Upsmanship
Siddhartha

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You need the
Fear Not Guide to Life.
Buy it already. ($4)

Now available!
The Broomfield Variations CD
($10)

or go to The UD Store

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MY IMAGINARY GIRLFRIENDS

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Chan Marshall
Rotem of the IDF
Eleanor Friedberger
Amy Goodman
Bernardine Dohrn ('69)
Maya Rudolph
Joanna Newsom
Imogen Heap
Caroline Dhavernas

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Shana Rae Ray

DISALLOWED FOREVER

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"I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!"
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"from whence"
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"...the exception that proves the rule"
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any use of the question "spit or swallow?"
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the phrase "drop trou"
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fake-o reviewer verbs:
"penned" for wrote
"helmed" for directed
"lensed" for whatever
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"expat"
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the euphemism
"passed away"
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pronouncing merci beaucoup as "mercy buckets!"
(see also: "grassy-ass!")

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PET PEEVES

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"confinscated"
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trying children "as adults"
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"drownded"
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misuse of reflexive pronouns, as when someone says "Please talk to Bob or myself." Come on people now. "Myself" is not just a fancy version of "me"! LEARN IT.
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tattoos in the Courier font
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any use of Comic Sans

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