Universal Donor
We can ill afford
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You are just a number
to me! And that number
is:

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PAGES UD MADE:

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My Books Page

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My Reviews Page

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My Reference Page

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My Music Page

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My Pictures

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My Store

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UD-RELATED PAGES:

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My LiveJournal

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My MySpace music page

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My Flickr page

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My del.icio.us page

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My Last.fm page

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My Amazon Wishlist

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HEAVY ROTATION

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Dan Deacon:
Bromst
Animal Collective:
Merriweather Post Pavillion
Bon Iver:
For Emma, Forever Ago
Vampire Weekend:
Vampire Weekend
Fleet Foxes:
Fleet Foxes

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BLOGS ETC

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claude le monde
nuncstans
rock 'em stock 'em
tomato nation
postmodern drunkard
tuckova 22
ghastly mess
constintina
total virility
fuzzysquid
drunken bee
stacey nightmare
elyse from ANTM
stereolabrat
dark side points
jf_franklin
123 i love you READ NOW
brotherhood 2.0

NOT BLOGS ETC

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qwantz (dinosaur comix)
go fug yourself
the burg
cat and girl
book of ratings
married to the sea
icanhascheezburger
fire joe morgan
fivethirtyeight.com
READ NOW
hospitality on parade

WEIRD LOVE

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dead amusement pks
craters!

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all content
© 2002-2010
Jeremy Broomfield

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PRAISE & REVIEWS

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"[UD] is a genius."
--Christian Oates

"[Claudia] is fucking awesome, and [UD] is a genius. And vice versa. You should all buy Fear Not."
--Tricia Howey



MOTTO

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egeo huic vigorum

MY WRESTLING NAME

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Titan Gently

MY PUNK NAME

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Razor Ection







WHO LINKS TO UD?

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• from Technorati
• from Google
• from Yahoo



and here's something
weird: my place
in Humor 3-space

  Sometime next week I have to visit the Department of Motor Vehicles to replace my two-months expired license. See, if I were an alcoholic, some bouncer or bartender would have noticed the bright red expiry date in June, and I could have a shot at cirrhosis, too. Damn. I'll make you a deal, New York: let me smoke in bars again and I will consider a plan to convert my disposable income into stomach-annihilating liquids.
     Also, if I still bought my smokes on the street instead of the web, some store clerk might have noticed, though why I still get carded falls outside the circle marked "my comprehension" in the Venn diagram of all the ideas in the universe. I do not look remotely teenaged. Teenagers have something about their skin, especially their face skin: it's all... taut or something. How do they do that? But so the clerks who card me must be doing something other than checking my birthdate and flattering me. Are they checking to see if they can arrange for my death in a way that will allow them to harvest my organs, which I have agreed to donate to serial killers?
     (Movie idea: incarcerated serial killer wakes in prison hospital after suffering a comprehensive shivving in the caf. He is told that he had to have a stomach transplant (I know, but keep listening) as a result of injuries. Only donor was some twentysomething who mysteriously choked on a bar of halvah outside a Pakistani bodega on the lower East side. Over the next couple weeks, killer realizes that something is wrong... very wrong: he has Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease! Ah, the cruel tricks of fate! Thence, his real torment begins!)
     So they said over the phone that I could come to the "Express" License Processing Center (skeptical quotes mine) for an eye test and, if I desire, a new picture. First of all, they are lying sacks of insulting shit if, by using the word "express," they are implying a speed of service greater than "evaporating water." Because: no. No and no. Five years ago, I had my only full-blown panic attack ever at the DMV because they took five hours to "express" their fundamental disinterest in DOING ANYTHING AT ALL FOR ME. So no, it is not fast.
     I have the option to take a new picture. I know that no matter how much primping and fussing I do before the snapshot, I will be a sweaty disheveled hunk of twitch after waiting on line for a few hours in completely unventilated hell. See for example how the current picture, which has balefully stared at the world for half a decade, shows a broken, hollow man whose image has been horizontally stretched a bit, making my neck look jockily wide. Ugh. Anything would be an improvement, right? If those cops from Fox's America's Most Citizen-Harrassing State Troopers wanna pull me over, they better steel themselves for a ten-year pictorial roadside assault of eyebags, scabs, oils, and asymmetry. Click click boom, and all that. A driver's license picture is worth a thousand turds.
posted by Universal Donor 3:50 PM 0 comments

OTHER REVIEWS:
Scrabble NEW!

LATEST BOOK REVIEWS:
The Game
Moneyball
One-Upsmanship
Siddhartha

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You need the
Fear Not Guide to Life.
Buy it already. ($4)

Now available!
The Broomfield Variations CD
($10)

or go to The UD Store

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MY IMAGINARY GIRLFRIENDS

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Chan Marshall
Rotem of the IDF
Eleanor Friedberger
Amy Goodman
Bernardine Dohrn ('69)
Maya Rudolph
Joanna Newsom
Imogen Heap
Caroline Dhavernas

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Shana Rae Ray

DISALLOWED FOREVER

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"I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!"
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"from whence"
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"...the exception that proves the rule"
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any use of the question "spit or swallow?"
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the phrase "drop trou"
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fake-o reviewer verbs:
"penned" for wrote
"helmed" for directed
"lensed" for whatever
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"expat"
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the euphemism
"passed away"
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pronouncing merci beaucoup as "mercy buckets!"
(see also: "grassy-ass!")

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PET PEEVES

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"confinscated"
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trying children "as adults"
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"drownded"
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misuse of reflexive pronouns, as when someone says "Please talk to Bob or myself." Come on people now. "Myself" is not just a fancy version of "me"! LEARN IT.
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tattoos in the Courier font
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any use of Comic Sans

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