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HEAVY ROTATION

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NOT BLOGS ETC

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Jeremy Broomfield



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PRAISE & REVIEWS

"[UD] is a genius."
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"[Claudia] is fucking awesome, and [UD] is a genius. And vice versa. You should all buy Fear Not."
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and here's something
weird: my place
in Humor 3-space

Wednesday, July 16, 2003
 
You didn't watch the MLB All-Star Game last night, and neither did I. Look: the world keeps on turning.
     I did, however, catch the national anthem, as performed by that cheeky highway pianist, Vanessa Carlton. I've seen better singers -- you know, actual singers -- falter in the face of so much reverb, so many different copies of themselves echoing back like ill-wishing sonic boomerangs. But VC was great. Beautiful. Really -- perfectly on pitch, perfectly. There was a cellist next to her, and the sound was really remarkable. Brava, brava.
     Of course it was also fake-ass fake. Staged, stupid, funky bunk. I've recorded enough music and listened to enough pop to be able to detect an Auto-Tuned vocal line in ten seconds. The camera spent a lot of time on blimps and flags and players' bowed heads, but whenever it deigned to show VC, she blocked our view of her mouth by handjobbing the mic. It was a CD, and she mis-synched some breaths and her mouth didn't open wide enough on the belted notes. Bogus. (To judge for yourself, go here and click on "the National Anthem" video link.)
     But I repeat: it was beautiful. I love the sound of singing computers. Makes me think of the future, the sparkly, cybernetic future, when "pain" will be a boogeyman in a bedtime story I tell my children from the comfort of my neoprene morphine harness. I got complicated chills that originated in my extremities and converged on my sacrum.
     Because yeah: nobody cares about fake anymore. Less than 15 years ago Milli Vanilli were shamed out of everything they had, but authenticity isn't what it used to be. Hell, even the illusion of authenticity isn't what it used to be! The mildly talented Carlton, slutting her arms around and pulling her hair back from her face like a nervous teenager (she's 22) didn't try hard enough to fool me (and who am I, dammnit, but your average hyperobservant armchair genius?), but she didn't have to fool me -- she just had to pretend to fool me. Sort of. She seemed kinda giggly about the whole affair. Like: "dude, I'm totally not singing this right now!" Yeah! You go, girl! Or grrl! Or whatever you are!
     Today, it's a non-story. "Hi, AP? Reuters? CBS News? New York Fucking Post Page Six?!? I have the scoop of the century! Anthem Faked! 'Synch it Ain't So, Ho!' Um... " (click) You don't have to be real. You don't have to have talent, and you only pay your dues to the union. All you need is money behind you, shoving you into vans and studios, onto stages and planes. Nobody wants the truth -- they want chills. Give me my chills, and the dessicated bodies of pop stars gone bye-bye! I need chills! And brains! BRAAAINNNS!

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MY IMAGINARY GIRLFRIENDS

Chan Marshall
Rotem of the IDF
Eleanor Friedberger
Amy Goodman
Bernardine Dohrn ('69)
Maya Rudolph
Joanna Newsom
Imogen Heap
Caroline Dhavernas

Shana Rae Ray

DISALLOWED FOREVER

"I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!"
-
"from whence"
-
"...the exception that proves the rule"
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any use of the question "spit or swallow?"
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the phrase "drop trou"
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fake-o reviewer verbs:
"penned" for wrote
"helmed" for directed
"lensed" for whatever
-
"expat"
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the euphemism
"passed away"
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pronouncing merci beaucoup as "mercy buckets!"
(see also: "grassy-ass!")



PET PEEVES

"confinscated"
-
trying children "as adults"
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"drownded"
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misuse of reflexive pronouns, as when someone says "Please talk to Bob or myself." Come on people now. "Myself" is not just a fancy version of "me"! LEARN IT.
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tattoos in the Courier font
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any use of Comic Sans