UNIVERSAL DONOR: MA VIE EN CROUTE
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Universal Donor
We can ill afford another Klendathu  feed it up!
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You are just a number to me! And that number is: PAGES UD MADE: My Books Page My Reviews Page My Reference Page My Music Page My Pictures My Store UD-RELATED PAGES: My LiveJournal My MySpace music page My Flickr page My del.icio.us page My Last.fm page My Amazon Wishlist HEAVY ROTATION Dan Deacon: Bromst Animal Collective: Merriweather Post Pavillion Bon Iver: For Emma, Forever Ago Vampire Weekend: Vampire Weekend Fleet Foxes: Fleet Foxes BLOGS ETC claude le monde nuncstans rock 'em stock 'em tomato nation postmodern drunkard tuckova 22 ghastly mess constintina total virility fuzzysquid drunken bee stacey nightmare elyse from ANTM stereolabrat dark side points jf_franklin 123 i love you READ NOW brotherhood 2.0 NOT BLOGS ETC qwantz (dinosaur comix) go fug yourself the burg cat and girl book of ratings married to the sea icanhascheezburger fire joe morgan fivethirtyeight.com READ NOW hospitality on parade WEIRD LOVE dead amusement pks craters! all content © 2002-2010 Jeremy Broomfield 
Hosted by: HostRocket.Com Comments by: YACCS PRAISE & REVIEWS "[UD] is a genius." --Christian Oates "[Claudia] is fucking awesome, and [UD] is a genius. And vice versa. You should all buy Fear Not." --Tricia Howey MOTTO egeo huic vigorum MY WRESTLING NAME Titan Gently MY PUNK NAME Razor Ection 
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Thursday, August 21, 2003
ZP was applauded for this comment to my previous post. (You may notice that the subject of the comment seems, like, the opposite of relevant vis-à-vis the post to which it's allegedly a response, but commenters are like kindergarteners: walk into a room and they will swarm your face and claw out your eyes.)
Who are you talking about, these boob-assessors? They must be the kind of people you find in "bars" or other "places" when you go "out" with your "friends." As I am a friendless non-drinker content to chainsmoke in my couch fort with only reference books, M&Ms, and Kleenex to amuse me, I have no experience with these mythical creatures. They simply don't exist for me. I don't see them, and if they existed they probably wouldn't see me, either, and that's peachy with me. At the same time I am glad of their existence, even theoretically, because every asshole in the world makes me feel better about myself in comparison. And I need to feel better, don't I? Who knows -- maybe I make them feel better, too (theoretically), like they can say "I'm much more ripped than that guy" or "I'm not gonna hit my head on things as much as that guy, because I am a midget compared to him." Ha ha! Wait. Maybe this is who you're talking about: on the way to work I saw four men in a station wagon attempting to hold a stack of wallboard to the roofrack with their bare hands. Oh Yes. The merest hint of twine secured the sheetrock to the vehicle, looking like a strand of discarded embroidery floss that got accidentally snarled there by a breeze. Like, hey, if you know what to do with sheetrock, shouldn't you also have more than a FIFTH GRADE CONCEPT OF PHYSICS? They looked all proud, flexing their ropy arm muscles and their yankee ingenuity. I wish I had been there at the next intersection, where a slam on the brakes to cat-call a bootylicious secretary resulted in her sudden misty decapitation by a flying sheet of plaster! Double ha! Ha ha! Still, if you're reading this, you already know that your beloved Universal Donor (and to the extent that he can be shown to exist, Gregor too) is better than almost every other boy on the planet. You hardly need more proof of my superiority; the concept follows you like stink on hippie. But you like lists, so here are: Some Other Thoughts that Comfort the World's Mooks, Jocks, Chipsters, Playas, Truckers, Playboys, etcetera When They Look at Me: • I am far more fit than that ragged ghost of a man. • Is he gay? He looks gay. • None of his female companions have enhanced breasts. I almost pity him! • He may be tall, but his posture is poor, so I am a better mate. • Show us your tits! • (Woo!) • I can lift much heavier objects than Mr. Gangly-fag over there. • Yes, I am sure he is gay. • That nincompoop probably doesn't even know any ways to rape his date! • Perhaps I should save his date from a rapeless night? • Oh no, I am too drunk to stand up any more. • Why am I on the floor, and why do my balls feel like they've been kneed, dirty-fight style, by a simpery non-raping gaywad? • What is the light that you have shining all around you? Is it chemically derived? [sorry] • Oh no, here I am in jail, where I belong, and this newspaper under my face says that someone named Universal Donor is King of the World! This spells doom for my ilk! Woe! Fie on sissy intellectual dictators! • Show us your tits! 0 comments |
OTHER REVIEWS: Scrabble NEW! LATEST BOOK REVIEWS: The Game Moneyball One-Upsmanship Siddhartha You need the Fear Not Guide to Life. Buy it already. ($4) Now available! The Broomfield Variations CD ($10) or go to The UD Store 
MY IMAGINARY GIRLFRIENDS Chan Marshall Rotem of the IDF Eleanor Friedberger Amy Goodman Bernardine Dohrn ('69) Maya Rudolph Joanna Newsom Imogen Heap Caroline Dhavernas Shana Rae Ray DISALLOWED FOREVER "I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!" - "from whence" - "...the exception that proves the rule" - any use of the question "spit or swallow?" - the phrase "drop trou" - fake-o reviewer verbs: "penned" for wrote "helmed" for directed "lensed" for whatever - "expat" - the euphemism "passed away" - pronouncing merci beaucoup as "mercy buckets!" (see also: "grassy-ass!") PET PEEVES "confinscated" - trying children "as adults" - "drownded" - misuse of reflexive pronouns, as when someone says "Please talk to Bob or myself." Come on people now. "Myself" is not just a fancy version of "me"! LEARN IT. - tattoos in the Courier font - any use of Comic Sans |