Universal Donor
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You are just a number
to me! And that number
is:

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PAGES UD MADE:

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My Books Page

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My Reviews Page

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My Reference Page

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My Music Page

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My Pictures

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My Store

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UD-RELATED PAGES:

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My LiveJournal

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My MySpace music page

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My Flickr page

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My del.icio.us page

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My Last.fm page

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My Amazon Wishlist

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HEAVY ROTATION

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Dan Deacon:
Bromst
Animal Collective:
Merriweather Post Pavillion
Bon Iver:
For Emma, Forever Ago
Vampire Weekend:
Vampire Weekend
Fleet Foxes:
Fleet Foxes

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BLOGS ETC

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claude le monde
nuncstans
rock 'em stock 'em
tomato nation
postmodern drunkard
tuckova 22
ghastly mess
constintina
total virility
fuzzysquid
drunken bee
stacey nightmare
elyse from ANTM
stereolabrat
dark side points
jf_franklin
123 i love you READ NOW
brotherhood 2.0

NOT BLOGS ETC

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qwantz (dinosaur comix)
go fug yourself
the burg
cat and girl
book of ratings
married to the sea
icanhascheezburger
fire joe morgan
fivethirtyeight.com
READ NOW
hospitality on parade

WEIRD LOVE

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dead amusement pks
craters!

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all content
© 2002-2010
Jeremy Broomfield

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PRAISE & REVIEWS

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"[UD] is a genius."
--Christian Oates

"[Claudia] is fucking awesome, and [UD] is a genius. And vice versa. You should all buy Fear Not."
--Tricia Howey



MOTTO

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egeo huic vigorum

MY WRESTLING NAME

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Titan Gently

MY PUNK NAME

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Razor Ection







WHO LINKS TO UD?

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• from Technorati
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and here's something
weird: my place
in Humor 3-space

  Halloween combines so many terrible fears into one night that I'm amazed people leave the house. First of all, there are kids everywhere, which if you've seen any kids recently you know they are scarier than ebola ice cream with hanta sprinkles. Second, your costume must pass some nebulous muster, the arbiters of which are invisible but omnipresent; if you just paint on a fake beauty mark and call yourself Madonna, you're practically begging for a razor apple to the head, which kids today actually carry around to hurl at lamely costumed twentysomethings. Third, candy makes you fat, and you are legally obliged to consume at least 300 mini peanut butter cups before the November 5 premiere of Matrix Unreconstructed. Fatty.
     Gregor is pissed about missing the parties this year and wants us to tell him they sucked. Well, guess what? They will. What could possibly make them good? I'll tell you what: the patented UD Neoprene Morphine Harness, which would suspend each partygoer from the ceiling in a state of mumbling, drooling, and non-chafing euphoria. It would look like that scene from Coma, but with slightly less brain death and a lot less Tom Selleck.
     And another thing. You know that boilerplate "Halloween Safety Tips" list that gets republished in every crappy family newspaper and mag every year? The warning that creeps me the fuck out is: "Wear light clothing so that you will be visible to cars." Well there's something wrong with that warning. Because Halloween is not the only time kids cross the stupid street. It shouldn't be more likely that kids would get hit on H'ween. So maybe demonically possessed drivers are actually trying harder to hit kids on H'ween, and the light clothing actually makes them easier targets.
     So if you really want to be safe, dress completely in black, tape stilettos to your hands, and run serpentine through your shitty little neighborhood as fast as you can. Do not collect candy, do not TP the yards of your Mr. Wilsons. If anyone asks what your costume is, say "your unsolved murderer," and stab them in the tummy. Then run, children! Run into the traffic!
posted by Universal Donor 2:26 PM 0 comments

OTHER REVIEWS:
Scrabble NEW!

LATEST BOOK REVIEWS:
The Game
Moneyball
One-Upsmanship
Siddhartha

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You need the
Fear Not Guide to Life.
Buy it already. ($4)

Now available!
The Broomfield Variations CD
($10)

or go to The UD Store

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MY IMAGINARY GIRLFRIENDS

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Chan Marshall
Rotem of the IDF
Eleanor Friedberger
Amy Goodman
Bernardine Dohrn ('69)
Maya Rudolph
Joanna Newsom
Imogen Heap
Caroline Dhavernas

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Shana Rae Ray

DISALLOWED FOREVER

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"I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!"
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"from whence"
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"...the exception that proves the rule"
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any use of the question "spit or swallow?"
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the phrase "drop trou"
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fake-o reviewer verbs:
"penned" for wrote
"helmed" for directed
"lensed" for whatever
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"expat"
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the euphemism
"passed away"
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pronouncing merci beaucoup as "mercy buckets!"
(see also: "grassy-ass!")

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PET PEEVES

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"confinscated"
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trying children "as adults"
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"drownded"
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misuse of reflexive pronouns, as when someone says "Please talk to Bob or myself." Come on people now. "Myself" is not just a fancy version of "me"! LEARN IT.
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tattoos in the Courier font
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any use of Comic Sans

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