Universal Donor
We can ill afford
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You are just a number
to me! And that number
is:

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PAGES UD MADE:

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My Books Page

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My Reviews Page

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My Reference Page

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My Music Page

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My Pictures

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My Store

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UD-RELATED PAGES:

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My LiveJournal

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My MySpace music page

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My Flickr page

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My del.icio.us page

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My Last.fm page

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My Amazon Wishlist

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HEAVY ROTATION

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Dan Deacon:
Bromst
Animal Collective:
Merriweather Post Pavillion
Bon Iver:
For Emma, Forever Ago
Vampire Weekend:
Vampire Weekend
Fleet Foxes:
Fleet Foxes

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BLOGS ETC

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claude le monde
nuncstans
rock 'em stock 'em
tomato nation
postmodern drunkard
tuckova 22
ghastly mess
constintina
total virility
fuzzysquid
drunken bee
stacey nightmare
elyse from ANTM
stereolabrat
dark side points
jf_franklin
123 i love you READ NOW
brotherhood 2.0

NOT BLOGS ETC

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qwantz (dinosaur comix)
go fug yourself
the burg
cat and girl
book of ratings
married to the sea
icanhascheezburger
fire joe morgan
fivethirtyeight.com
READ NOW
hospitality on parade

WEIRD LOVE

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dead amusement pks
craters!

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all content
© 2002-2010
Jeremy Broomfield

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PRAISE & REVIEWS

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"[UD] is a genius."
--Christian Oates

"[Claudia] is fucking awesome, and [UD] is a genius. And vice versa. You should all buy Fear Not."
--Tricia Howey



MOTTO

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egeo huic vigorum

MY WRESTLING NAME

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Titan Gently

MY PUNK NAME

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Razor Ection







WHO LINKS TO UD?

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• from Technorati
• from Google
• from Yahoo



and here's something
weird: my place
in Humor 3-space

  On the way to the train after work yesterday, I saw a girl drop her unlit cigarette on the ground, pick it up, and put it right back in her mouth. So naturally, I hustled up to give her a light and see what kind of tall, clean girl with a nice beige wool coat would put a slushy smoke in her piehole without a second thought. I lit her smoke and she said "Thanks! What's your name?" and I was like oh shit. Because I recognized her: she works at the Scientology bookstore on 43rd Street. She's always standing outside handing out leaflets with pictures of L. Ron in a pith helmet, inviting people to a "photography exhibit" that's clearly a front for a giant mass-hypnosis indoctrination ceremony where they fuck you in the ass with ice dildos until your wallet falls out of your pocket. Yowp.
     But I was already talking to her, and this poor cornfed sweetheart has been a 'Tologist since birth. That's deep conditioning -- the same as how I was programmed in my crib (and I don't mean my "house," goddamnit) to be a cynical atheist liberal weakling genius -- and so she tried to convert me within ten seconds of asking my name. I'm not gonna badmouth Scientology, because that'd be like having sex with your slutty cousin: easy, but you could get in legal trouble.
     Religion is weird, because, for example, Saint Barbara is the patron saint of field artillery. Do whatever you want with that. Once I knew this Catholic chick from outerborough Noo Yawk, and this is how she talked to customer service people on the phone: "Yes um hello? Is this the custamah service airier? Yes hello. I'm coowahling in regarts to a problem on my account? Yes... that's correck. Uh huh. That is correck. Well upon ruhceipt a my last bill? I buhcame aware that it did not refleck the updatit charges? This was asposed to be taken care of, but apparently it has'n as of yet. Uh-huh. Well I'm not in... uh... I don't have that numbuh for the Accounts. You could gimme it?"
     See? Religion makes people talk funny. Maybe if Jesus loved me instead of my devout upstair-tarded neighbors, I would get more sleep, and I could write coherently, or funnily, again. Plus also goddamn nuncstans fucked up my mojo when she posted yet another of her best posts ever on the internet ever (see the Dec 4. entry). From now until Gregor comes out of whatever cave he done hid in, just assume that I'm saving my best material for when it will make him look bad in comparison. Though it's hard to look better than a man drenched in hobo semen.
posted by Universal Donor 5:04 PM 0 comments

OTHER REVIEWS:
Scrabble NEW!

LATEST BOOK REVIEWS:
The Game
Moneyball
One-Upsmanship
Siddhartha

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You need the
Fear Not Guide to Life.
Buy it already. ($4)

Now available!
The Broomfield Variations CD
($10)

or go to The UD Store

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MY IMAGINARY GIRLFRIENDS

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Chan Marshall
Rotem of the IDF
Eleanor Friedberger
Amy Goodman
Bernardine Dohrn ('69)
Maya Rudolph
Joanna Newsom
Imogen Heap
Caroline Dhavernas

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Shana Rae Ray

DISALLOWED FOREVER

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"I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!"
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"from whence"
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"...the exception that proves the rule"
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any use of the question "spit or swallow?"
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the phrase "drop trou"
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fake-o reviewer verbs:
"penned" for wrote
"helmed" for directed
"lensed" for whatever
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"expat"
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the euphemism
"passed away"
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pronouncing merci beaucoup as "mercy buckets!"
(see also: "grassy-ass!")

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PET PEEVES

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"confinscated"
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trying children "as adults"
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"drownded"
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misuse of reflexive pronouns, as when someone says "Please talk to Bob or myself." Come on people now. "Myself" is not just a fancy version of "me"! LEARN IT.
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tattoos in the Courier font
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any use of Comic Sans

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