UNIVERSAL DONOR: MA VIE EN CROUTE
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Universal Donor
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Thursday, December 04, 2003
The upstairs neighbors earned the nickname The Pirates for their noisy pegleg hornpipe antics, but yesterday they took peace disturbance to a new level of misdemeanorhood.
When I got home around 10pm, I didn't really mind the sound of the repetitive bass line blooping through the building, becuase 10pm is okay for music appreciation at any volume. Never mind that it was that terrible salsa bass line that -- forgive me for sounding like your parents when you started listening to rap -- makes every fucking salsa song sound the same. It was (and always is) like: Boooomm Tick BaBoom Tick Boo... (down whole step) ...Doom Tick BooDoom Tick (down a fourth) AD INFINUCKINGFITUM. The disc was clearly on repeat, and I began to think the Pirates had been killed by a sauce-loving psychopath who had made himself at home and passed out in blood puddles. Well, at 2am I thought maybe it was time to make Mr Buttsauce turn it down, right? But I was already nakies in my bed, employing the kind of wishful thinking that Ambien makes so simple. But my nudity and comforter did not seem to quiet the Boooomm Tick BaDoom of the Psychopathic Salsa Pirate. I yelled to good old Heroic [Second] Roommate for assistance. UD: Hey! Hey HST! HST: (from living room) Yeah? PSP: Boooomm Tick BaDoom Tick... UD: Make it stop. HST: Yeah. PSP: Boooomm Tick BaDoom Tick... UD: Tell Jesus to make the salsa man shut up. HST: Will that work? PSP: Boooomm Tick BaDoom Tick... UD: Doesn't Jesus hate salsa music? I'm pretty sure he does. Because he loves me, and I hate it. HST: I'll tell him. UD: And tell him to eat a bowl of dick. HST: Who, Jesus? UD: ...No. Tell Jesus to tell the other guy. But Jesus must have been too busy doing god stuff, like raping goats or something, so I had to take matters into my sleepy-time hands. I put on some laundry clothes and some sneakers and went on a recon mission to make sure it was the apartment directly upstairs. I was gonna disguise myself with my pillowcase, but it had gone completely transparent from head- and face-grease, so I risked identification. And yes, it was the fucktards upstairs. Boring story short: they turned it down after liberal application of the thwack'em stick (a decomissioned mop handle) to the ceiling, which was good because Ambien and I were ready to go up and get Louima on their Dominican asses for real. But so my sleep was curtailed, my little lambs, and you can't get blood from a stone. I don't really believe in calling the cops for shit like this, because the neighborhood, which frowns on crime, practically grimaces at the police. A couple years ago, this drug dealer got shot on the corner and hustled his bleeding ass into the building. A detective came knocking and asked if I had seen anything, and the weary look on his face told me that the building was collectively blind. Even though everybody on the block sticks their head out the window at the sound of a loud argument. Fuck it. If the pirates love music so much, maybe I could tape a subwoofer to the ceiling and share some of mine. Any suggestions? I'm thinking Langley Schools Music Project's version of Wings' "Venus And Mars/Rock Show" on infinite repeat, bitch. Boo-yaa! 0 comments |
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MY IMAGINARY GIRLFRIENDS Chan Marshall Rotem of the IDF Eleanor Friedberger Amy Goodman Bernardine Dohrn ('69) Maya Rudolph Joanna Newsom Imogen Heap Caroline Dhavernas Shana Rae Ray DISALLOWED FOREVER "I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!" - "from whence" - "...the exception that proves the rule" - any use of the question "spit or swallow?" - the phrase "drop trou" - fake-o reviewer verbs: "penned" for wrote "helmed" for directed "lensed" for whatever - "expat" - the euphemism "passed away" - pronouncing merci beaucoup as "mercy buckets!" (see also: "grassy-ass!") PET PEEVES "confinscated" - trying children "as adults" - "drownded" - misuse of reflexive pronouns, as when someone says "Please talk to Bob or myself." Come on people now. "Myself" is not just a fancy version of "me"! LEARN IT. - tattoos in the Courier font - any use of Comic Sans |