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You are just a number
to me! And that number
is:

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PAGES UD MADE:

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My Books Page

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My Reviews Page

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My Reference Page

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My Music Page

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My Pictures

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My Store

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UD-RELATED PAGES:

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My LiveJournal

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My MySpace music page

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My Flickr page

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My del.icio.us page

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My Last.fm page

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My Amazon Wishlist

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HEAVY ROTATION

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Dan Deacon:
Bromst
Animal Collective:
Merriweather Post Pavillion
Bon Iver:
For Emma, Forever Ago
Vampire Weekend:
Vampire Weekend
Fleet Foxes:
Fleet Foxes

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BLOGS ETC

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claude le monde
nuncstans
rock 'em stock 'em
tomato nation
postmodern drunkard
tuckova 22
ghastly mess
constintina
total virility
fuzzysquid
drunken bee
stacey nightmare
elyse from ANTM
stereolabrat
dark side points
jf_franklin
123 i love you READ NOW
brotherhood 2.0

NOT BLOGS ETC

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qwantz (dinosaur comix)
go fug yourself
the burg
cat and girl
book of ratings
married to the sea
icanhascheezburger
fire joe morgan
fivethirtyeight.com
READ NOW
hospitality on parade

WEIRD LOVE

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dead amusement pks
craters!

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all content
© 2002-2010
Jeremy Broomfield

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PRAISE & REVIEWS

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"[UD] is a genius."
--Christian Oates

"[Claudia] is fucking awesome, and [UD] is a genius. And vice versa. You should all buy Fear Not."
--Tricia Howey



MOTTO

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egeo huic vigorum

MY WRESTLING NAME

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Titan Gently

MY PUNK NAME

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Razor Ection







WHO LINKS TO UD?

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• from Technorati
• from Google
• from Yahoo



and here's something
weird: my place
in Humor 3-space

  How I Jedi-ed My Way Off the Jury. I can tell by ZP's tone in her comment that she doesn't think a) that I really jedi-ed myself off of anything, or b) that anybody has ever jedi-ed their way off of one of her juries. Well she's wrong and wrong. It may be true that I, UD couldn't Jedi myself off of her jury -- if she knew it was me. Because if she had the stronger case, she would want as many smart people as possible. At least, that's the Conventional Wisdom (heh... CW!): that the lawyer with the weaker case wants to kick off the smarties and keep the dummies. Well, the guy with the weaker case must have the advantage every time, if my jury pool was typical. The average IQ in that room was so low you could trip over it.
     The case was presented to us during voir dire in the most reductive, uninformative, and stultifying terms possible. A man was driving his car on a city street, a manhole sticking out above the roadway scraped the bottom of his car, he claims injuries as well as damages to the car, and he wants the city to pay. I figured that if it went to trial, the evidence would show clearly for one side or the other, and that my unique type of genius was not required. So I began my campaign to get kicked off the shit.
     Actually my campaign had been pre-kicked last Thursday, when I decided not to shave, bathe, or change my clothes until I was dismissed for duty. I naïvely thought I would stand out, but people don't really seem to treat the process with the respect it deserves (ahem), rolling in like they had just been lounging in front of the TV in their "comfortwear" before they came downtown; I saw acres of sweatpant, jean, t-shirt, and do-rag; maybe five men (including me) wearing neckties out of 200. Here's an interesting image: a hoodrat kid in his early twenties, tryn'a be sooo hard, refusing to turn down his thug, doing his pimp roll up and down the waiting room aisle, but faltering a little in the face of utter institutional indifference, and the lack of shorties who might be impressed by his Woolworth bling. Being told just like everybody else who approached the clerk with a dumb question to "just sit down please," unable to play it off all cool or say something back to the guy because who knows whether they know about his outstanding warrants. Looking back to see if we saw his do-rag get shut down by the big mean clerk, a grampa-looking black dude who may have had a partner and a penchant for Carole Lombard posters but could still whup this punk's ass with his belt if he didn't sit his skinny ass in a damn chair. Tsk! Hunh! Very satisfying.
     Um... where was... oh yeah: I looked like flaming hot crapcakes. But since I didn't look any more disheveled than anyone else, I had to be a little more aggressive in displaying my unsuitability for service during voir dire:
Lawyer 2: You may not know this, but there are actually two judges in the courtroom. (pauses for non-forthcoming gasps of surprise.) The Judge in the black robe, (mimes a robe), judges the way the trial is conducted. You are the other judges! Your job is to judge the evidence, and make sure the law is applied! Juror number 1, can you listen to the facts and decide whether the law was broken, no matter what you think of the law?
Juror 1: Sure.
Lawyer 1: Juror number 2?
Juror 2: Yes.
     ...etcetera...
Lawyer 2: Juror number 8?
UD: Well, it depends on the law. Because some laws are just ridiculous.
Lawyer 2: What? Um. Sure, but you could put aside your feelings on the law and just determine whether it was broken, right?
UD: Sure!
Lawyer 2: Good.
UD: As long as the law isn't too ridiculous.
     - - - then, later - - -
Lawyer 2: Now, you all believe that a witness could swear on a bible to tell the truth, and then lie, right?
Lawyer 1: Pfft.
Lawyer 2: ...Or that someone could swear and then exaggerate? Or swear and omit something?
Lawyer 1: (Rolls eyes and shakes head at the implication that his client might lie.)
Lawyer 2: Juror number 3, you believe someone could swear and then lie, right?
Juror 3: Yes.
Lawyer 2: Juror number 4?
Juror 4: Of course.
Lawyer 2: Juror number 5?
Juror 5: Yes. But I think he tell the truth, if he swear.
Lawyer 1: Thank you.
Lawyer 2: Juror number 6?
     ...etcetera...
Lawyer 2: Juror number 8? Someone could swear and then lie?
UD: Well... are there any cops testifying?
Lawyer 2: What?
All Jurors: (laughter)
UD: Oh, well it's a civil trial. Nah. I mean if it were criminal, you know, a lot of times cops get on the stand and then.... Forget it. It's a civil trial. So um. Sure, I guess people could lie but probably not, if they're under oath.
Lawyer 2: Wait, you said something specific about police officers?
UD: No, nothing. Forget it.
     - - - later, I talked to the lawyers privately in the hall - - -
UD: I just wanted to let you know, privately, that although I respect the right of a citizen to sue the city, I think it sounds a little ridiculous here. It's clichéd, I know, but I think we live in an overly litigious society and people gotta take a little more responsibility for their actions, you know? So to be fair, I think that if it came down pretty evenly, I'd still lean towards the city. So I don't think that'd be fair to the plaintiff, and I wanted to let you know.
Lawyer 1: Well thank you for telling us that. We appreciate it, and my client appreciates it. Thank you.
Lawyer 2: Yeah, but you could still be fair, right? In the trial?
UD: Um....
Lawyer 1: No, he just said that he'd --
Lawyer 2: But you could be fair, right? Apply the law fairly?
Lawyer 1: John, he just said he'd lean.
Lawyer 2: Sure, but --
Lawyer 1: No!
UD: The whole point I'm trying to make is that I couldn't be fair.
Lawyer 1: Exactly!
Lawyer 2: (glumly) Okay, okay.
     - - - - - -
     We were sent home at 4:30pm Monday and told to return the next morning at 9:30am. It was a little anticlimactic when they told us that they'd settled the case, but Lawyer 1 thanked me again for coming to them about it, so I'm pretty sure my ploy would have worked, ZP. Back in the pool, we watched a little All My Children, which nowadays stars a skeletal doll-figure molded to look like Susan Lucci with a space-age skin-like polymer stretched over its bones. I took a nap, and then they cut my jury loose. Five years until my next call. Good night.
posted by Universal Donor 11:02 PM 0 comments

OTHER REVIEWS:
Scrabble NEW!

LATEST BOOK REVIEWS:
The Game
Moneyball
One-Upsmanship
Siddhartha

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You need the
Fear Not Guide to Life.
Buy it already. ($4)

Now available!
The Broomfield Variations CD
($10)

or go to The UD Store

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MY IMAGINARY GIRLFRIENDS

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Chan Marshall
Rotem of the IDF
Eleanor Friedberger
Amy Goodman
Bernardine Dohrn ('69)
Maya Rudolph
Joanna Newsom
Imogen Heap
Caroline Dhavernas

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Shana Rae Ray

DISALLOWED FOREVER

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"I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!"
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"from whence"
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"...the exception that proves the rule"
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any use of the question "spit or swallow?"
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the phrase "drop trou"
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fake-o reviewer verbs:
"penned" for wrote
"helmed" for directed
"lensed" for whatever
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"expat"
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the euphemism
"passed away"
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pronouncing merci beaucoup as "mercy buckets!"
(see also: "grassy-ass!")

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PET PEEVES

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"confinscated"
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trying children "as adults"
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"drownded"
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misuse of reflexive pronouns, as when someone says "Please talk to Bob or myself." Come on people now. "Myself" is not just a fancy version of "me"! LEARN IT.
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tattoos in the Courier font
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any use of Comic Sans

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