Universal Donor
We can ill afford
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You are just a number
to me! And that number
is:

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PAGES UD MADE:

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My Books Page

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My Reviews Page

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My Reference Page

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My Music Page

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My Pictures

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My Store

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UD-RELATED PAGES:

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My LiveJournal

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My MySpace music page

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My Flickr page

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My del.icio.us page

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My Last.fm page

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My Amazon Wishlist

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HEAVY ROTATION

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Dan Deacon:
Bromst
Animal Collective:
Merriweather Post Pavillion
Bon Iver:
For Emma, Forever Ago
Vampire Weekend:
Vampire Weekend
Fleet Foxes:
Fleet Foxes

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BLOGS ETC

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claude le monde
nuncstans
rock 'em stock 'em
tomato nation
postmodern drunkard
tuckova 22
ghastly mess
constintina
total virility
fuzzysquid
drunken bee
stacey nightmare
elyse from ANTM
stereolabrat
dark side points
jf_franklin
123 i love you READ NOW
brotherhood 2.0

NOT BLOGS ETC

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qwantz (dinosaur comix)
go fug yourself
the burg
cat and girl
book of ratings
married to the sea
icanhascheezburger
fire joe morgan
fivethirtyeight.com
READ NOW
hospitality on parade

WEIRD LOVE

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dead amusement pks
craters!

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all content
© 2002-2010
Jeremy Broomfield

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PRAISE & REVIEWS

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"[UD] is a genius."
--Christian Oates

"[Claudia] is fucking awesome, and [UD] is a genius. And vice versa. You should all buy Fear Not."
--Tricia Howey



MOTTO

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egeo huic vigorum

MY WRESTLING NAME

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Titan Gently

MY PUNK NAME

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Razor Ection







WHO LINKS TO UD?

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and here's something
weird: my place
in Humor 3-space

  Today was my first day of jury duty, and it's just exactly as you've heard, except with a lot more John Ritter than I thought was indicated by law. I've had a fairly healthy fear of JD since I read Sars's account of sitting on a civil case in 2002 (it's worth a read, and much funnier than I'm going to be: part 1, part 2, part 3). My boss spent a month on a grand jury, spending every morning deciding whether or not bad people should go to trial, which sounded okay but seemed inconvenient, and I had weird fantasies about mobsters or their sleazebag lawyers giving me the sticky eyeball, threatening me and forcing me to go into hiding and leave my rommates vulnerable to certain carbombing.
     First thing today in the big waiting room we saw a government video produced on a government budget, with government quality, and for all I know government actors moonlighting from their jobs at the DMV. It was similar to that institutional video in Being John Malkovich about the 7 ½th floor, with fewer midgets but an impressive historical segment about medieval trials by ordeal, which featured an Aragorn-goateed magistrate-type dude wearing what I'm pretty sure was an authentic Columbia Sportswear parka, with a fur-lined hood for extra authenticalicity. After having my intelligence insulted by a videotape, the two clerks took turns condescending to us over the PA as they told us how to write our names on the forms using a pen and our hands. They referred to each other, these clerks, by saying "talk to my partner" or "ask my partner for help remembering where you live," so I whiled away a daydreamy five minutes or so picturing their cozy lovenest, bedecked with rainbow flags and campy posters from Carole Lombard films. or whatever gay civil servants use to cover up the drafty holes in their poverty-chic garrets.
     A frighteningly obese man (like, you know, the "hello sir, how may I help OH MY SWEET GOD" kind of obese) sat against the back wall (where I guess he thought the teacher might not call on him) and snored for a few hours in quick, belly-quaking gasps, and we all laughed until we realized that he might be dead before we were ever selected for a jury. But the domestic clerks made us feel right at home by turning on Nick at Nite's Three's Company marathon. There was something about making beds, which Mr. Furley only caught the part where Jack said "So me and Janet were trying to make it, and Chrissy found us all tangled up in the bed" HAW and then there was a pie-baking competition which apparently involved only whipped-cream pies, a very specialized sitcom type of contest, see; and then Larry was naked at a party because there was some kind of misunderstanding and I lapsed into a coma.
     There was a lot of blah-dee-blah before they let us out for lunch and cigarettes, but I got called for my first voir dire at about 2:15. If you don't know, it means two lawyers take eight jurors and six alternates into a room and talk to us like we are exceptionally brain-damaged golden retriever puppies ("You understand what the law is, don't you? Don't you? A-woo-boo-boo? Yesh you do! Oh yesh you do!"). Tomorrow I will explain how I jedi-ed my way off that fucksuck case ("I'm not the juror you're looking for..."), and hopefully, I will have earned my freedom through conscientious application of all-American shirking and dirty dirty lies. For justice!
posted by Universal Donor 2:22 AM 0 comments

OTHER REVIEWS:
Scrabble NEW!

LATEST BOOK REVIEWS:
The Game
Moneyball
One-Upsmanship
Siddhartha

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You need the
Fear Not Guide to Life.
Buy it already. ($4)

Now available!
The Broomfield Variations CD
($10)

or go to The UD Store

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MY IMAGINARY GIRLFRIENDS

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Chan Marshall
Rotem of the IDF
Eleanor Friedberger
Amy Goodman
Bernardine Dohrn ('69)
Maya Rudolph
Joanna Newsom
Imogen Heap
Caroline Dhavernas

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Shana Rae Ray

DISALLOWED FOREVER

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"I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!"
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"from whence"
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"...the exception that proves the rule"
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any use of the question "spit or swallow?"
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the phrase "drop trou"
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fake-o reviewer verbs:
"penned" for wrote
"helmed" for directed
"lensed" for whatever
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"expat"
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the euphemism
"passed away"
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pronouncing merci beaucoup as "mercy buckets!"
(see also: "grassy-ass!")

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PET PEEVES

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"confinscated"
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trying children "as adults"
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"drownded"
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misuse of reflexive pronouns, as when someone says "Please talk to Bob or myself." Come on people now. "Myself" is not just a fancy version of "me"! LEARN IT.
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tattoos in the Courier font
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any use of Comic Sans

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