UNIVERSAL DONOR: MA VIE EN CROUTE
|
||
|
Universal Donor
We can ill afford another Klendathu  feed it up!
| UD email
You are just a number to me! And that number is: PAGES UD MADE: My Books Page My Reviews Page My Reference Page My Music Page My Pictures My Store UD-RELATED PAGES: My LiveJournal My MySpace music page My Flickr page My del.icio.us page My Last.fm page My Amazon Wishlist HEAVY ROTATION Dan Deacon: Bromst Animal Collective: Merriweather Post Pavillion Bon Iver: For Emma, Forever Ago Vampire Weekend: Vampire Weekend Fleet Foxes: Fleet Foxes BLOGS ETC claude le monde nuncstans rock 'em stock 'em tomato nation postmodern drunkard tuckova 22 ghastly mess constintina total virility fuzzysquid drunken bee stacey nightmare elyse from ANTM stereolabrat dark side points jf_franklin 123 i love you READ NOW brotherhood 2.0 NOT BLOGS ETC qwantz (dinosaur comix) go fug yourself the burg cat and girl book of ratings married to the sea icanhascheezburger fire joe morgan fivethirtyeight.com READ NOW hospitality on parade WEIRD LOVE dead amusement pks craters! all content © 2002-2010 Jeremy Broomfield 
Hosted by: HostRocket.Com Comments by: YACCS PRAISE & REVIEWS "[UD] is a genius." --Christian Oates "[Claudia] is fucking awesome, and [UD] is a genius. And vice versa. You should all buy Fear Not." --Tricia Howey MOTTO egeo huic vigorum MY WRESTLING NAME Titan Gently MY PUNK NAME Razor Ection 
WHO LINKS TO UD? • from Technorati • from Google • from Yahoo and here's something weird: my place in Humor 3-space |
Sunday, February 01, 2004
I am not proud of being a smoker, but at least I don't have any illusions about it. My name is Universal D., and I'm a smoker. I smoke a certain amount of cigarettes every day. In order to succeed at this fairly simple task, I must have access to those cigarettes, and I have found that the easiest way to get cigarettes is to buy them. That way, see, I don't have to bum cigarettes off other people, neither friends or strangers.
Why is this such a difficult concept for so many smokers? If everybody exercised just a little bit of forethought, nobody would ever bum cigarettes. YET I AM CONSTANTLY HOUNDED BY PEOPLE WHO WANT TO BUM MY SMOKES. What the fuck? Squirrels are better prepared than you fucking assholes. Is it a matter of denial -- you don't want to admit you're a smoker? Fuck you. Is is that you don't know how many cigarettes you need during the day, so you are constantly underestimating? You smoke every day. CAN YOU COUNT TO TWENTY? Are you like the dude in Memento, repeatedly surprised by the tattoo above your nipple that says "you are a smoker"? I can't remember the last time I bummed a smoke from anyone. Because I have a brain and I therefore I always have cigarettes. Maybe it wouldn't bother me so much if I weren't so fucking magnanimous and empathetic. I simply cannot say no to a request for a cigarette. Here, take one. Homeless? Take two. I understand the pain of the nic fit, that it's as powerful as that crack hunger that sets in five minutes after your last rock. My nic fits never last long, however, because unless I'm watching a Lord of the Rings movie in a theater, I have access to cigarettes and the flame to light them with. I always have an extra pack with me, and I bring two extra packs if I'm going to a party. And there's nothing I hate more than the disingenuous and insulting offer to "buy a cigarette," offered by fuckwads on the street -- they're daring you to be a dick. Holding out the two quarters that they think oblige you to give them a cigarette even if you don't take the cash. Well fuck you twice, asstard. Thank you for acknowledging that smokes are expensive. Why don't you rub those four bits together until you have enough for your own stupid pack? Today, for the first time ever, I put my foot down. I was tying my shoe on the street, hunched over and busy, when some dude spotted the stick in my lips and said to my back "yo I could get a smoke?" I didn't look, but said "yeah, hold on a sec." I took my time, tied my shit real tight, and stood up to see some 16-year-old homeboy looking disinterestedly at the sky. I gave him the smoke and asked if he needed a light, another act of politeness programmed into me by my Miss Manners upbringing. Kid didn't even say thanks. I take TWO FUCKING STEPS and a goofy-looking hipster kid is right in front of me, saying "hey, could you possibly spare a cigarette?" "Did you just see me give a smoke to that kid?" I said. "What?" he said, puzzled. "No...." "Well I'm sorry," I said. "I can't do it. Not two cigarettes on the same fucking block." "No, of course not. Sorry, dude. Thanks," he said, walking sheepishly away. Still, I'm a retard. It took all my willpower not to turn around, chase that hipster down, and shove a Camel into his goofy paw. 0 comments |
OTHER REVIEWS: Scrabble NEW! LATEST BOOK REVIEWS: The Game Moneyball One-Upsmanship Siddhartha You need the Fear Not Guide to Life. Buy it already. ($4) Now available! The Broomfield Variations CD ($10) or go to The UD Store 
MY IMAGINARY GIRLFRIENDS Chan Marshall Rotem of the IDF Eleanor Friedberger Amy Goodman Bernardine Dohrn ('69) Maya Rudolph Joanna Newsom Imogen Heap Caroline Dhavernas Shana Rae Ray DISALLOWED FOREVER "I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!" - "from whence" - "...the exception that proves the rule" - any use of the question "spit or swallow?" - the phrase "drop trou" - fake-o reviewer verbs: "penned" for wrote "helmed" for directed "lensed" for whatever - "expat" - the euphemism "passed away" - pronouncing merci beaucoup as "mercy buckets!" (see also: "grassy-ass!") PET PEEVES "confinscated" - trying children "as adults" - "drownded" - misuse of reflexive pronouns, as when someone says "Please talk to Bob or myself." Come on people now. "Myself" is not just a fancy version of "me"! LEARN IT. - tattoos in the Courier font - any use of Comic Sans |