Universal Donor
We can ill afford
another Klendathu

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feed it up! | UD email

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You are just a number
to me! And that number
is:

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PAGES UD MADE:

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My Books Page

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My Reviews Page

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My Reference Page

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My Music Page

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My Pictures

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My Store

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UD-RELATED PAGES:

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My LiveJournal

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My MySpace music page

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My Flickr page

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My del.icio.us page

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My Last.fm page

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My Amazon Wishlist

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HEAVY ROTATION

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Dan Deacon:
Bromst
Animal Collective:
Merriweather Post Pavillion
Bon Iver:
For Emma, Forever Ago
Vampire Weekend:
Vampire Weekend
Fleet Foxes:
Fleet Foxes

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BLOGS ETC

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claude le monde
nuncstans
rock 'em stock 'em
tomato nation
postmodern drunkard
tuckova 22
ghastly mess
constintina
total virility
fuzzysquid
drunken bee
stacey nightmare
elyse from ANTM
stereolabrat
dark side points
jf_franklin
123 i love you READ NOW
brotherhood 2.0

NOT BLOGS ETC

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qwantz (dinosaur comix)
go fug yourself
the burg
cat and girl
book of ratings
married to the sea
icanhascheezburger
fire joe morgan
fivethirtyeight.com
READ NOW
hospitality on parade

WEIRD LOVE

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dead amusement pks
craters!

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all content
© 2002-2010
Jeremy Broomfield

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PRAISE & REVIEWS

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"[UD] is a genius."
--Christian Oates

"[Claudia] is fucking awesome, and [UD] is a genius. And vice versa. You should all buy Fear Not."
--Tricia Howey



MOTTO

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egeo huic vigorum

MY WRESTLING NAME

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Titan Gently

MY PUNK NAME

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Razor Ection







WHO LINKS TO UD?

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• from Technorati
• from Google
• from Yahoo



and here's something
weird: my place
in Humor 3-space

  I have a fun habit I'd like to tell you about. I often absentmindedly sing snippets of songs out loud, which is normal, you know, whatever comes to mind, or has been stuck in my head all day, or whatever. But if I feel I'm being ignored -- even after the desperate plea for attention that singing out loud represents -- I will insert the name of the person nearest me into the song. So just now, to my co-worker: "Oh she may be weeeeeary-heh-hee/And young girls they do get wee-a-reee-uh/Waaay-rin' that same-ol' shabbay dray-ee-yeh-heh-hessssssah!/But (-tah!) when she gets wee-ah-ree-yuh/ Try-high... a little ten-derness...JESSICA." Which of course makes Jessica look up, startled, like I've been talking to her for the last ten minutes and she hadn't noticed, or makes her think that I've been singing a whole song about her. You should try this. It's a lot of fun, and very, very annoying.
     Now I will help you clean out your purse. Your purse is full of crap to which you have attached undue value, and you need my keen eye to purge the dross. (Will you help me with my room, though? Because I suffer from a similar but MUCH LARGER problem. I have a box on a shelf marked "clothes I never wear but can't bear to throw away" which is totally re-re, and a microcosmic example of our ridiculousness. But you can relate, right?) DUMP YOUR PURSE OUT, RIGHT NOW. I don't care if you're at work, at home, or on the crosstown bus with your Palm Pilot -- dump-a-roonie. Pick up your cash, credit cards, datebook, lip balm, Altoids Tangerine Sours, cell phone, and prescription meds. Put them back in the purse. Now light everything else on fire and kick it towards your least favorite colleague, roommate, or fellow passenger, screaming "OH MY GOD MY BABY'S ON FIRE!!!!" If the person has a soul, they should instinctively gather the flaming pile of garbage into their arms and fling themselves into the nearest body of water, which may be several miles away. It's a funny thing to do, and it cleans your purse. Please note that you can do this at anytime, especially if you carry gasoline-soaked rags in your purse.
     You know what's gross? People who carry their cash in their pockets in a filthy, mangled wad. What are you, twelve? Flatten out those bills, make the presidents all face the same way like a good OCD victim, crease them with a mother-of-pearl-inlaid ebony creasing wand from Hammacher Schlemmer, and tuck them gently into your pocket. Then jam your hand into your pocket and thrash it around like a wet cat, because you are hopeless. CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW? FUCKING GOOD!
     FUCK! Worst. Post. Evvah. The absolute nadir. But a different co-worker just asked me, again, if I have read the Harry Potter books yet. "YET." As if. As fucking if! These questions splinter my consciousness into a million white-hot shards of inability to think, is all.
posted by Universal Donor 4:20 PM 0 comments

OTHER REVIEWS:
Scrabble NEW!

LATEST BOOK REVIEWS:
The Game
Moneyball
One-Upsmanship
Siddhartha

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You need the
Fear Not Guide to Life.
Buy it already. ($4)

Now available!
The Broomfield Variations CD
($10)

or go to The UD Store

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MY IMAGINARY GIRLFRIENDS

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Chan Marshall
Rotem of the IDF
Eleanor Friedberger
Amy Goodman
Bernardine Dohrn ('69)
Maya Rudolph
Joanna Newsom
Imogen Heap
Caroline Dhavernas

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Shana Rae Ray

DISALLOWED FOREVER

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"I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!"
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"from whence"
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"...the exception that proves the rule"
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any use of the question "spit or swallow?"
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the phrase "drop trou"
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fake-o reviewer verbs:
"penned" for wrote
"helmed" for directed
"lensed" for whatever
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"expat"
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the euphemism
"passed away"
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pronouncing merci beaucoup as "mercy buckets!"
(see also: "grassy-ass!")

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PET PEEVES

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"confinscated"
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trying children "as adults"
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"drownded"
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misuse of reflexive pronouns, as when someone says "Please talk to Bob or myself." Come on people now. "Myself" is not just a fancy version of "me"! LEARN IT.
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tattoos in the Courier font
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any use of Comic Sans

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