Universal Donor
We can ill afford
another Klendathu

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You are just a number
to me! And that number
is:

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PAGES UD MADE:

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My Books Page

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My Reviews Page

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My Reference Page

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My Music Page

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My Pictures

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My Store

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UD-RELATED PAGES:

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My LiveJournal

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My MySpace music page

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My Flickr page

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My del.icio.us page

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My Last.fm page

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My Amazon Wishlist

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HEAVY ROTATION

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Dan Deacon:
Bromst
Animal Collective:
Merriweather Post Pavillion
Bon Iver:
For Emma, Forever Ago
Vampire Weekend:
Vampire Weekend
Fleet Foxes:
Fleet Foxes

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BLOGS ETC

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claude le monde
nuncstans
rock 'em stock 'em
tomato nation
postmodern drunkard
tuckova 22
ghastly mess
constintina
total virility
fuzzysquid
drunken bee
stacey nightmare
elyse from ANTM
stereolabrat
dark side points
jf_franklin
123 i love you READ NOW
brotherhood 2.0

NOT BLOGS ETC

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qwantz (dinosaur comix)
go fug yourself
the burg
cat and girl
book of ratings
married to the sea
icanhascheezburger
fire joe morgan
fivethirtyeight.com
READ NOW
hospitality on parade

WEIRD LOVE

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dead amusement pks
craters!

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all content
© 2002-2010
Jeremy Broomfield

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PRAISE & REVIEWS

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"[UD] is a genius."
--Christian Oates

"[Claudia] is fucking awesome, and [UD] is a genius. And vice versa. You should all buy Fear Not."
--Tricia Howey



MOTTO

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egeo huic vigorum

MY WRESTLING NAME

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Titan Gently

MY PUNK NAME

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Razor Ection







WHO LINKS TO UD?

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• from Technorati
• from Google
• from Yahoo



and here's something
weird: my place
in Humor 3-space

  On the train the middle-aged white lady spots an ambiguously ethnic twentysomething girl reading The House of Mirth and almost shits her skirt. She reaches forward to tap the cute girl, whose coat is all shaggy and whose awesome shoes look like wrestling shoes, and she's like "Oh my, isn't that book exquisite?" The girl takes her iBuds out of her ears and is like "Huh wha?" so the lady has to repeat the "exquisite" line. Well, my girl is game, and she tries conversing with this lady, but it's not gonna be easy. First, the Lady tells the girl how the book will end. Nice one, bhortch. Then the Lady just wants to show off how proud she is of the nation's youth, and I think this conversation qualifies as the most "adventure" this lady has had since she let some boy touch her pearls back at Wellesley twenty years ago. Plus she is loudly showing off that only knows one adjective, and she pronounces it like it's got four syllables: "Exquisite. Exquisite. Ex-quiz-it-tuh. EXQUISITE."
     Shut up, Lady! Everything you've ever read is exquisite? Because now see she has taken it upon herself to give the girl an impromptu -- and utterly unsolicited -- list of recommendations. Fuck! "Oh, you should read Prodigal Summer, by Barbara Kingfisher [sic]. It's not a an old book, but it's exquisituh." She then takes a chance, suggesting the daring Pride and Prejudice or something.
     ("I love period pieces," said the girl a few stops before the Kingsolver incident, "I'm totally hooked on Masterpiece Theatre." Trying to be friendly, find a connection, and to which Lady replied "Oh, I don't really watch television." ARGH! She gets uglier the more she talks.)
     "Um, I really like Lawrence, too," says my girl, "I just finished Lady Chatterley's Lover and I loved it."
     THE FUCKING LADY ACTUALLY BLUSHES, saying "Ooh! Don't admit that out loud on the train!" I half expect her to say "Scandalous!" and fan her stupid face with a doily. I pull my hood over my head in broadly telegraphed exasperation, hoping that someone fat and condescending will notice and SHUT HER DOILY HOLE, but I get dizzy from the funk in the hood and pass out for a while, which is almost as good.
     There are some really wonderful people out there. I am one of them. I think people like me should be selected by the government as Sacred Executioners of The Intolerably Loud Fucktards, and given fancy curved daggers or twirling-bladed face-blender sticks. I can't even bear to transcribe some of the other things this... I keep wanting to say "walrus" but her weight's got nothing to do with it, eeerrrgggggghhh... this beast-lady said. Awfulness exists, and though I could make a case for this lady's extinction, as SEotILF, I wouldn't have to. I'd be untouchable. Anybody I face-blended would be declared, ipso facto and post mortem, to be a Fucktard. I win. Your corpse is exquisite, beeyotch!
posted by Universal Donor 3:18 PM 0 comments

OTHER REVIEWS:
Scrabble NEW!

LATEST BOOK REVIEWS:
The Game
Moneyball
One-Upsmanship
Siddhartha

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You need the
Fear Not Guide to Life.
Buy it already. ($4)

Now available!
The Broomfield Variations CD
($10)

or go to The UD Store

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MY IMAGINARY GIRLFRIENDS

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Chan Marshall
Rotem of the IDF
Eleanor Friedberger
Amy Goodman
Bernardine Dohrn ('69)
Maya Rudolph
Joanna Newsom
Imogen Heap
Caroline Dhavernas

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Shana Rae Ray

DISALLOWED FOREVER

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"I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!"
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"from whence"
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"...the exception that proves the rule"
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any use of the question "spit or swallow?"
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the phrase "drop trou"
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fake-o reviewer verbs:
"penned" for wrote
"helmed" for directed
"lensed" for whatever
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"expat"
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the euphemism
"passed away"
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pronouncing merci beaucoup as "mercy buckets!"
(see also: "grassy-ass!")

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PET PEEVES

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"confinscated"
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trying children "as adults"
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"drownded"
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misuse of reflexive pronouns, as when someone says "Please talk to Bob or myself." Come on people now. "Myself" is not just a fancy version of "me"! LEARN IT.
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tattoos in the Courier font
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any use of Comic Sans

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