UNIVERSAL DONOR: MA VIE EN CROUTE
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Universal Donor
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Sunday, February 08, 2004
People were walking out of 21 Grams the other night, which means either a) they couldn't handle the intensity, or b) they had actually bought tickets for Along Came Polly and it took them until act three to figure out that Naomi Watts wasn't Jennifer Anustown. Fucking retards. I've never walked out of a movie; I don't drop ten bucks unless I'm pretty sure It's gonna be worth it. Though I have fallen asleep every single time I've tried to watch Prospero's Books. It's good, but it makes me sleepier than a Brompton Cocktail.
Also retarded was the propaganda film before the previews where the Hollywood stuntman begs me not to pirate movies because it's basically the same as stabbing his children in the throat. Have you seen this? I must have seen it ten times now, so I've had time to think about it. First of all, this guy wouldn't be getting paid for appearing in a propaganda film if there weren't any piracy, so I really think he shouldn't bite the hand that feeds him. Also, if he's really a stuntman, he's taking work away from actors who could be appearing in the spot, portraying a stuntman much more convincingly than he did. Does he get his SAG card for that? Great! More competition for the waiters of Los Angeles. Who's stabbing whose throat now, you sanctimonious fucktard? When I used the bathroom at the theater, there was this twitchy kid in there, must have been about 22, pacing back and forth by the sinks. When a stall became vacant, I gestured towards it and waggled my eyebrows, like: you were here first, dude, go ahead. He shook his head no and looked away, started pacing harder. If you don't need to use the toilet, what are you doing here? This isn't the girl's bathroom; if you're waiting for your friend to finish his business, wait outside. You're skeeving me. lo and I ate at Burritoville after the movie, where I had two flautas, a dish I'd never heard of, consisting of tightly rolled and deep-fried tortillas filled with chicken, cheese, and pico de gallo. Right after ordering, I had a suspicion that the dish was not a traditional Mexican dish at all, that the restaurant invented them to give the Mexicans behind the counter a chance to laugh at the customers, becuase I bet "flauta" is slang for cock. Sounds plausible, right? I say "quiero flautas, por favor," and the guys all snicker ("This guy loves cocks! Everybody who comes in here loves cocks so much!") Well. We were in Chelsea, after all. My favorite line of the evening happened when we went into the subway. As I was blathering a jolly story about how many accidental deaths occur in the subway each day, lo got this look on her face like: oh shit. But subtly, just a sudden widening of the eyes. "You forget something?" I said. "Um. Yeah." A panicky edge to her voice. "What, a book or something? In the theater?" "No, I forgot about the tampon. In my bag. Which should be somewhere else right now," said lo, wearing a sad, just-kill-me-now look on her face. "Oh. Can you make it home? You could always run into the L Cafe at Bedford... or something," I said. "No, it's too late," she said with resignation. "I know I'm gonna have to wash my pants when I get home." She paused. "I'm just wondering if I'll have to wash my shoes, too." 0 comments |
OTHER REVIEWS: Scrabble NEW! LATEST BOOK REVIEWS: The Game Moneyball One-Upsmanship Siddhartha You need the Fear Not Guide to Life. Buy it already. ($4) Now available! The Broomfield Variations CD ($10) or go to The UD Store 
MY IMAGINARY GIRLFRIENDS Chan Marshall Rotem of the IDF Eleanor Friedberger Amy Goodman Bernardine Dohrn ('69) Maya Rudolph Joanna Newsom Imogen Heap Caroline Dhavernas Shana Rae Ray DISALLOWED FOREVER "I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!" - "from whence" - "...the exception that proves the rule" - any use of the question "spit or swallow?" - the phrase "drop trou" - fake-o reviewer verbs: "penned" for wrote "helmed" for directed "lensed" for whatever - "expat" - the euphemism "passed away" - pronouncing merci beaucoup as "mercy buckets!" (see also: "grassy-ass!") PET PEEVES "confinscated" - trying children "as adults" - "drownded" - misuse of reflexive pronouns, as when someone says "Please talk to Bob or myself." Come on people now. "Myself" is not just a fancy version of "me"! LEARN IT. - tattoos in the Courier font - any use of Comic Sans |