UNIVERSAL DONOR: MA VIE EN CROUTE
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Universal Donor
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Thursday, March 18, 2004
I'm having trouble finishing my cigarettes again, mostly because my lungs are filled with a luscious goulash of chunky technicolor phlegm that I have to coax out with coughing spasms so violent that every once in a while I'll puke a little bit, too. Awesome! And though it galls me to discard half-smoked sticks with prices the way they are, I buy mine over the Interweb from Europe, so it's not so egregious a waste as it might be for those less foresighted. But what is the value of a cigarette? If someone bums off me on the street, I act like I paid full NYC retail, grumbling and noble. But I think I'm getting bored with smoking. It's not as fun as it used to be, and my sickness-sensitive nostrils rebel when I walk into my house.
I just read Malcolm Gladwell's The Tipping Point, which had some interesting points about smoking. He says that all current efforts to end teen smoking are stupid and misdirected, because they try to tell kids that smoking isn't cool. Well, we knew the ads were dumb. (I mean come on nah: "Tobacco is Whacko if You're a Teen"? Give me one hot fucking break, please! Glaargle! Just as gaytarded as those "anti-drug" ads, which just make everybody who sees them want to snort fat rails of coke off a hooker's tits.) But Gladwell says that the thing about heavy smokers is that studies have shown them to fit a very specific personality profile. Here's a quote about early teen smokers: The same characteristics of rebelliousness and impulsivity and risk-taking and indifference to the opinion of others and precocity that made them so compelling to their adolescent peers also make it almost inevitable that they would also be drawn to the ultimate expression of adolescent rebellion, risk-taking, impulsivity, indifference to others, and precocity: the cigarette. This may seem like a simple point. But it is absolutely essential to understanding why the war on smoking has stumbled so badly. Over the past decade, the anti-smoking movement has railed against the tobacco companies for making smoking cool and has spent untold millions of dollars of public money trying to convince teenagers that smoking isn't cool. But that's not the point. Smoking was never cool. Smokers are cool.Boo-yaa! I didn't need the validation, but it's nice to have an explanation for why I started smoking. I thought I was just stupid. But the crowd in the smoking courtyard at the Whitney -- and at every gathering I've ever been to, for that matter -- was the crowd I wanted to hang out with. I chain smoke vulgarly at such occasions, mostly so that I won't be tempted to go back to wherever the non-smokers are. Fucking pink-lung lametards. This is why people who have nonsmoking houses always suspend their tobacco rules when they throw parties: ban the smokers to some rooftop ghetto and the fun in the mainspace takes a dive. When I smoked throughout high school, I always assumed that my parents didn't know because I was all sneaky pete about it. I realized some years ago that I was a slack-jawed drooling idiot. If there are any kids reading this who think your parents don't know you smoke even though you smell like a terrycloth bathrobe worn to an AA meeting, you should go to the opening of Dawn of the Dead: The Remakening, jump inside the movie, and offer your brains to one of the fast-moving zombies. Because your brains are dumb, and you're using up all my oxygen. 0 comments |
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MY IMAGINARY GIRLFRIENDS Chan Marshall Rotem of the IDF Eleanor Friedberger Amy Goodman Bernardine Dohrn ('69) Maya Rudolph Joanna Newsom Imogen Heap Caroline Dhavernas Shana Rae Ray DISALLOWED FOREVER "I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!" - "from whence" - "...the exception that proves the rule" - any use of the question "spit or swallow?" - the phrase "drop trou" - fake-o reviewer verbs: "penned" for wrote "helmed" for directed "lensed" for whatever - "expat" - the euphemism "passed away" - pronouncing merci beaucoup as "mercy buckets!" (see also: "grassy-ass!") PET PEEVES "confinscated" - trying children "as adults" - "drownded" - misuse of reflexive pronouns, as when someone says "Please talk to Bob or myself." Come on people now. "Myself" is not just a fancy version of "me"! LEARN IT. - tattoos in the Courier font - any use of Comic Sans |