Universal Donor
We can ill afford
another Klendathu

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You are just a number
to me! And that number
is:

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PAGES UD MADE:

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My Books Page

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My Reviews Page

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My Reference Page

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My Music Page

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My Pictures

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My Store

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UD-RELATED PAGES:

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My LiveJournal

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My MySpace music page

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My Flickr page

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My del.icio.us page

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My Last.fm page

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My Amazon Wishlist

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HEAVY ROTATION

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Dan Deacon:
Bromst
Animal Collective:
Merriweather Post Pavillion
Bon Iver:
For Emma, Forever Ago
Vampire Weekend:
Vampire Weekend
Fleet Foxes:
Fleet Foxes

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BLOGS ETC

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claude le monde
nuncstans
rock 'em stock 'em
tomato nation
postmodern drunkard
tuckova 22
ghastly mess
constintina
total virility
fuzzysquid
drunken bee
stacey nightmare
elyse from ANTM
stereolabrat
dark side points
jf_franklin
123 i love you READ NOW
brotherhood 2.0

NOT BLOGS ETC

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qwantz (dinosaur comix)
go fug yourself
the burg
cat and girl
book of ratings
married to the sea
icanhascheezburger
fire joe morgan
fivethirtyeight.com
READ NOW
hospitality on parade

WEIRD LOVE

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dead amusement pks
craters!

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all content
© 2002-2010
Jeremy Broomfield

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PRAISE & REVIEWS

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"[UD] is a genius."
--Christian Oates

"[Claudia] is fucking awesome, and [UD] is a genius. And vice versa. You should all buy Fear Not."
--Tricia Howey



MOTTO

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egeo huic vigorum

MY WRESTLING NAME

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Titan Gently

MY PUNK NAME

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Razor Ection







WHO LINKS TO UD?

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• from Technorati
• from Google
• from Yahoo



and here's something
weird: my place
in Humor 3-space

  I'm expecting a lot more traffic to the site because as I mentioned sub, I've been added to the roster of Damn Hell Ass Kings. This is an honor for me, and a huge gift to the world. But I feel that an introduction of sorts is required to lubricate the entry of new readers, to prevent intellectual chafing or tearing. For those of you who've been reading forever, this post will serve as an amusing chance to assess my pathetic self-assessment skillz. For newbies, it's a glossy brochure of your upcoming mental vacation, and a parade of tortured metaphors I've put in a mental blender set to "mix."
     Universal Donor is the answer to the following riddle: what writes but is not a writer, makes music but is not a musician, and makes love but is not a lover? Jesus fuck, where did this tiresome voice come from? Why'm I trying to impress a faceless hoi polloi who can barely manage to pull their fingers out of their barnholes long enough to click a link to my site? Enough with the fucking folderol. Here's a list of the nine muses, and the types of posts they inspire:

     Clio (history) - Posts wherein I recount something that happened to me earlier in the day, or maybe the night before, if I did something other than pathetically lurch my way home and flop down on the couch and try to read something before succumbing to the pull of the television around 11pm when The Daily Show comes on. Typical blog bullshit, and my least favorite kind of entry.
     Calliope (epic poetry) - Posts in which I complain about back pain or fatigue, and use those complaints as pathetic excuses for why I can't write a better post. I hate Calliope. She's a vicious bitch.
     Erato (love poetry) - Posts where I call people "fucktard" and tell them to eat bowls of dick. In other words, the best kind of post.
     Terpsichore (dancing) - Posts in which I bait my readership with topics designed to spark arguments on the comments page, written when I feel lonely, unappreciated, or insufficiently omnipotent. I can make my puppets dance!
     Polyhymnia (sacred poetry, eloquence) - Posts in which I insult various gods with big words.
     Thalia (comedy) - She's my metamuse, um... pushing all the other muses from behind like a bully at the top of the stairs... of creativity. Ugh. She is also clearly on a two-hour dolmades break or something.
     Euterpe (music) - Rare posts where I tell you to listen to a new song I made. I may be a motherfucking musical genius (hear exhibit a), but as blog posts go, these suck. Luckily, Euterpe doesn't visit me very often. Bad luck for my plans to become a multiplatinum rock supergod, but good luck for you if you like blogs more than music. Which is, in turn, bad luck for you, because it means you are a soulless hobo-blowing fucktard.
     Urania (astronomy) - Fucking retarded space-cadet posts I write when my Ritalin has worn off, which, topic-wise, wander as spastically as your drunken uncle bouncing from parking meter to parking meter as he asks each one "may I have this dance?"
     Melpomene (Tragedy) - Posts about zombies, how to kill them, how to avoid being eaten by them, and how not to become one of them. This fulfills the FCC's unwritten -- but surely implied -- public service requirement of all blogs. I might as well reiterate here that in order to kill a zombie, you must cause severe trauma to its brain. Don't bother hacking off limbs or lighting the thing on fire -- go for the head with a quickness. If you only have one zombie to deal with, an improvised short-range weapon (cricket bat, spanner, chipping wedge) should suffice, but if you anticipate a horde of the undead (which if you see one zombie you should always assume there's a horde just over yonder hill) you're gonna need some kind of reliable rapid-fire distance weapon (M-16s and AK-47s have good track records in this regard) preferably with a high-volume magazine so you won't have to reload all the time. This ain't a video game, friends. In real life, There are no "free guys" in crates, and there is no "Continue," no matter how many coins you have in your pocket. BE PREPARED.
posted by Universal Donor 4:28 PM 0 comments

OTHER REVIEWS:
Scrabble NEW!

LATEST BOOK REVIEWS:
The Game
Moneyball
One-Upsmanship
Siddhartha

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You need the
Fear Not Guide to Life.
Buy it already. ($4)

Now available!
The Broomfield Variations CD
($10)

or go to The UD Store

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MY IMAGINARY GIRLFRIENDS

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Chan Marshall
Rotem of the IDF
Eleanor Friedberger
Amy Goodman
Bernardine Dohrn ('69)
Maya Rudolph
Joanna Newsom
Imogen Heap
Caroline Dhavernas

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Shana Rae Ray

DISALLOWED FOREVER

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"I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!"
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"from whence"
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"...the exception that proves the rule"
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any use of the question "spit or swallow?"
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the phrase "drop trou"
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fake-o reviewer verbs:
"penned" for wrote
"helmed" for directed
"lensed" for whatever
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"expat"
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the euphemism
"passed away"
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pronouncing merci beaucoup as "mercy buckets!"
(see also: "grassy-ass!")

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PET PEEVES

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"confinscated"
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trying children "as adults"
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"drownded"
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misuse of reflexive pronouns, as when someone says "Please talk to Bob or myself." Come on people now. "Myself" is not just a fancy version of "me"! LEARN IT.
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tattoos in the Courier font
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any use of Comic Sans

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