Universal Donor
We can ill afford
another Klendathu

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You are just a number
to me! And that number
is:

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PAGES UD MADE:

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My Books Page

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My Reviews Page

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My Reference Page

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My Music Page

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My Pictures

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My Store

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UD-RELATED PAGES:

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My LiveJournal

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My MySpace music page

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My Flickr page

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My del.icio.us page

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My Last.fm page

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My Amazon Wishlist

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HEAVY ROTATION

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Dan Deacon:
Bromst
Animal Collective:
Merriweather Post Pavillion
Bon Iver:
For Emma, Forever Ago
Vampire Weekend:
Vampire Weekend
Fleet Foxes:
Fleet Foxes

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BLOGS ETC

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claude le monde
nuncstans
rock 'em stock 'em
tomato nation
postmodern drunkard
tuckova 22
ghastly mess
constintina
total virility
fuzzysquid
drunken bee
stacey nightmare
elyse from ANTM
stereolabrat
dark side points
jf_franklin
123 i love you READ NOW
brotherhood 2.0

NOT BLOGS ETC

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qwantz (dinosaur comix)
go fug yourself
the burg
cat and girl
book of ratings
married to the sea
icanhascheezburger
fire joe morgan
fivethirtyeight.com
READ NOW
hospitality on parade

WEIRD LOVE

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dead amusement pks
craters!

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all content
© 2002-2010
Jeremy Broomfield

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PRAISE & REVIEWS

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"[UD] is a genius."
--Christian Oates

"[Claudia] is fucking awesome, and [UD] is a genius. And vice versa. You should all buy Fear Not."
--Tricia Howey



MOTTO

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egeo huic vigorum

MY WRESTLING NAME

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Titan Gently

MY PUNK NAME

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Razor Ection







WHO LINKS TO UD?

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• from Technorati
• from Google
• from Yahoo



and here's something
weird: my place
in Humor 3-space

  I'm preparing for my vacation in a minimalist way. I have a small duffel with five changes of clothes, figuring that I can wear each article twice without becoming too offensively malodorous, but then again it's California, so who would notice? I could probably cut down even further, reducing my chance of luggage-related back spasms to a scant 80%. So now I'm just obsessing about my appearance, because my SF host, B.Perks, who you may remember as the auteur of my very first music video, says he has an idea for another video we could shoot fast and on the cheap during this visit. Which is jake with me, 'cause I'm easy like Sunday morning. Whatever, man, just tell where to stand and lipsynch, and have your P.A. run and find me a big bowl of oral narcotic painkillers, because my back hurts! Zowie.
     Except that my face isn't playing ball with the video notion. The biggest problem, literally, is this roughly pea-sized blemishy zit/boil/alien egg sac growing in/on my left nostril flange. Sorry to get graphic here, but this is a socially apocalyptic epidermal event, multihued and tenacious, which for a while chose to ooze clear effluvia from within the nostril, but now seems to be making a laconic attempt to migrate outwards. It hurts like a pulled nose hair, but it refuses to come to a head, and my exploratory -- and increasingly violent -- stabbings with a sewing needle have not created a successful drainage channel. Shut up, I know it's gross, but it's on MY FACE.
     I also have a fucking crazy war wound in the middle of my forehead, sustained during a battle with a large piece of plywood. It looks like a three-armed starfish made of dried blood, or like a surgical scar after an emergency chakraectomy. Also there is a weird scab of unknown provenance on my T-zone, which when I mentioned this to Claudia she was like "you are a girl." Well, maybe, but I'm not ashamed, and I'm not even half as metro as NuRu, who has filled the bathroom with so much product that we now have more tubes than ENIAC.
     Finally, I cut my hair on Friday, sick of the sweat that saturated my moptop after any exertion more strenuous than thinking about puppies. So I used the clippers to do a semidecent job, but I required assistance with the back of my neck. I had to roust the other roommate (who we'll call Ember for now) out of a deep nap, which in hindsight might have been stupid, because although she arrived upright in the bathroom, I think she was still dreaming:
UD: So just take the clippers like this and gently pull downwards.
Ember: What?
UD: I said gently downwards. Apply pressure and... come on, you know how to use clippers.
Ember: No.
UD: Come on.
Ember: I don't think I can do this.
UD: What? You have to.
Ember: No.
UD: Yes. You must. You have to! You said you'd do it, so you have to. I can't walk around with this hair all over my neck! You can do it. It's easy. Easy.
Ember: I'm afraid I'm gonna hurt you....
UD: Nonsense. Just take, yes, ok, now gently....
Ember: ---
UD: Well, not that gently. You do actually have to touch my neck.
Ember: Okay....
     [sound of flesh mangling]
UD: [grimacing] Ahhhg... much better.
Ember: I'm hurting you.
UD: No, no! It just, ack, tickles!
Ember: [buzzzzz-glurgle]
UD: Huh huh huh huh ahh almost done?
Ember: Yeah. You sure this doesn't hurt?
UD: Ha ha no! Why, are you trying to hurt me?
Ember: NO! I'm sleepy!
     [grangle-bzzz-grangle-rangle]
So I have some red abrasions on the neck too, as if the dry cleaner had starched my collar with lye. But okay, whatever. Vanity aside, I'm looking forward to the trip. If I don't post tomorrow, don't hold your collective breath. Gregor has been ordered out of hibernation, and I'm sure he has some exciting stories for you. Stories about temping!
posted by Universal Donor 12:37 PM 0 comments

OTHER REVIEWS:
Scrabble NEW!

LATEST BOOK REVIEWS:
The Game
Moneyball
One-Upsmanship
Siddhartha

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You need the
Fear Not Guide to Life.
Buy it already. ($4)

Now available!
The Broomfield Variations CD
($10)

or go to The UD Store

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MY IMAGINARY GIRLFRIENDS

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Chan Marshall
Rotem of the IDF
Eleanor Friedberger
Amy Goodman
Bernardine Dohrn ('69)
Maya Rudolph
Joanna Newsom
Imogen Heap
Caroline Dhavernas

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Shana Rae Ray

DISALLOWED FOREVER

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"I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!"
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"from whence"
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"...the exception that proves the rule"
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any use of the question "spit or swallow?"
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the phrase "drop trou"
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fake-o reviewer verbs:
"penned" for wrote
"helmed" for directed
"lensed" for whatever
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"expat"
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the euphemism
"passed away"
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pronouncing merci beaucoup as "mercy buckets!"
(see also: "grassy-ass!")

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PET PEEVES

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"confinscated"
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trying children "as adults"
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"drownded"
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misuse of reflexive pronouns, as when someone says "Please talk to Bob or myself." Come on people now. "Myself" is not just a fancy version of "me"! LEARN IT.
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tattoos in the Courier font
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any use of Comic Sans

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