UNIVERSAL DONOR: MA VIE EN CROUTE
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Universal Donor
We can ill afford another Klendathu  feed it up!
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You are just a number to me! And that number is: PAGES UD MADE: My Books Page My Reviews Page My Reference Page My Music Page My Pictures My Store UD-RELATED PAGES: My LiveJournal My MySpace music page My Flickr page My del.icio.us page My Last.fm page My Amazon Wishlist HEAVY ROTATION Dan Deacon: Bromst Animal Collective: Merriweather Post Pavillion Bon Iver: For Emma, Forever Ago Vampire Weekend: Vampire Weekend Fleet Foxes: Fleet Foxes BLOGS ETC claude le monde nuncstans rock 'em stock 'em tomato nation postmodern drunkard tuckova 22 ghastly mess constintina total virility fuzzysquid drunken bee stacey nightmare elyse from ANTM stereolabrat dark side points jf_franklin 123 i love you READ NOW brotherhood 2.0 NOT BLOGS ETC qwantz (dinosaur comix) go fug yourself the burg cat and girl book of ratings married to the sea icanhascheezburger fire joe morgan fivethirtyeight.com READ NOW hospitality on parade WEIRD LOVE dead amusement pks craters! all content © 2002-2010 Jeremy Broomfield 
Hosted by: HostRocket.Com Comments by: YACCS PRAISE & REVIEWS "[UD] is a genius." --Christian Oates "[Claudia] is fucking awesome, and [UD] is a genius. And vice versa. You should all buy Fear Not." --Tricia Howey MOTTO egeo huic vigorum MY WRESTLING NAME Titan Gently MY PUNK NAME Razor Ection 
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Wednesday, June 30, 2004
Update! I feel jittery and weird and wired. At the same time, I am utterly fatigued and practically useless. Didn't my neck once support my head? Isn't that what I hired my neck to do, to keep my head from lolling off to one side during important conversations with people? I thought there was something wrong with my monitor until my head hit my right shoulder with a jaw-shattering wham. I spat out a tooth that was acutally a spearmint tic tac with the green coating sucked off.
Amazon.com is getting a little too fast. I ordered something Sunday night after midnight, and Tuesday at noon, as I was reading their email that said "your package has been sent," the doorbell rang and I got chills. My package, my order. That's less than 36 hrs from last click to receipt, which is freakish.Two explanations: 1) the Sunday night shift is EXTREMELY BORED, because who places orders on Sunday night, so that when the bell goes BING and the order drops into the hopper, they LEAP into action like tweaker elves and zip whap wrap ship POW the order is gone brotha, like the last Krispy Kreme at the morning meeting. Or 2) They have help from a superpowered entity, like the devil, The Flash, or Nightcrawler. I'm not complaining. Am I? It just seems... unseemly. If I wanted something that fast, I'd go to a fucking store, and I'd look over shelves and Ask For Help if I had Trouble Finding Anything and I'd get jostled and oh my god this line is so slooowwwww and these cashiers are so dumb they [insert snap here]. Stores are for suckers, but make me wait, Amazon. Make me wait. Over my vacation, which now seems years behind me, I bought a watch. I haven't worn a watch for about ten years, because I noticed that people who had them were always looking at them, and I didn't want to be that predictable, and I didn't want to worry so much about the actual minute, and I didn't EVER want to know what time it was on the subway, becuase if you don't maintain a zen-like patience and temporal ignorance underground, you can have a stress explosion that'll take out everyone in a five foot radius, which during rush hour is like 80 people. So what changed? Why'd I buy the watch? A nod to mortality as I reach the sunset of my twenties? An aknowledgement that the time to do something memorable or important is slipping away? No, no, no. I just wanted a watch-shaped tan line. I figured the watch was the easiest way to get it. Plus now I have a new place to ferment sweat, which is good. The concierge asked me if I was eating more now that I wasn't smoking. He said "you know that's what they say, that when you quit you eat more." I said "Really? I hadn't heard that. No, I'm not eating more. If anything, I'm eating less." "Wow. Why?" "Well," I said, "the smoke really covered up the taste of food. Now that I can taste stuff again, I'm realizing that food tastes awful. All of it. I'm amazed people eat this shit every day. Ugh. Bread and grains? Fruits and vegetables, meats, dairy products? Dis-gusting. I don't know if I can ever eat again, Kevin." "Wow, that bad, huh? What are you gonna do so you don't starve to death?" As the elevator doors closed, I said "PILLS, Kevin! Like the Jetsons had! Magic nutrition pills!" Aaannnnnddd.... Scene. Friends, they told me I'd have more energy. I'm waiting, but if I drum my fingers any more impatiently, I'm gonna have bloody fingertips, and I will leave gory finger marks all over your nice white walls. 0 comments |
OTHER REVIEWS: Scrabble NEW! LATEST BOOK REVIEWS: The Game Moneyball One-Upsmanship Siddhartha You need the Fear Not Guide to Life. Buy it already. ($4) Now available! The Broomfield Variations CD ($10) or go to The UD Store 
MY IMAGINARY GIRLFRIENDS Chan Marshall Rotem of the IDF Eleanor Friedberger Amy Goodman Bernardine Dohrn ('69) Maya Rudolph Joanna Newsom Imogen Heap Caroline Dhavernas Shana Rae Ray DISALLOWED FOREVER "I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!" - "from whence" - "...the exception that proves the rule" - any use of the question "spit or swallow?" - the phrase "drop trou" - fake-o reviewer verbs: "penned" for wrote "helmed" for directed "lensed" for whatever - "expat" - the euphemism "passed away" - pronouncing merci beaucoup as "mercy buckets!" (see also: "grassy-ass!") PET PEEVES "confinscated" - trying children "as adults" - "drownded" - misuse of reflexive pronouns, as when someone says "Please talk to Bob or myself." Come on people now. "Myself" is not just a fancy version of "me"! LEARN IT. - tattoos in the Courier font - any use of Comic Sans |