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Monday, July 12, 2004
I've probably said a million times that I don't have a lot of male friends, or that I don't usually get along with men, or even, if I was feeling particularly snarky, that I don't like men. Sometimes I just say "most of my friends are, and always have been, female." Whatever. I just sorta let you know, and you can do with it what thou wilt. I realize that I've never explained why I can't hang with the XY. I've never actually thought about it too hard, because I never thought it was a real problem, but maybe it deserves a little rumination. And let's put aside, for now, that the root of the problem is almost definitely a lack of masculine role models during my formative years, and instead examine the effect.
I think it's that I'm always afraid of what will happen if I just hang out with a guy. I have foggy notions of what straight men do together, mostly assembled from movies or television. But correct me if I'm wrong about the following ways men interact. 1) STRIP CLUBS. I'm always afraid that I'll be hanging out with some dude and he'll be like "let's head on down to the strip club." Is there a way to say no without showing your violent nauseous disgust with the dude who suggests it? I find it horrifying that men do this. First of all, the idea of a place where the entire purpose is to get drunk and stare at naked woman for money is just fucking stupid. Stupid. Also, it's gross, and it's emotionally stunted. Now when you see scenes in movies of women going to a Chippendale's-type place, they're always whooping it up and giggling, looking at each other and waggling their eyebrows, covering their faces, and generally having a blastaroo. It's a social event, a shared transgression. But with men, it's not celebratory at all, nor is it shared. It's furtive, or sleazy, and solitary, even though they're there together. Right? 2) TALKING ABOUT WOMEN. The idea of a man saying to me: "wow, check out the tits on that one! Wouldn't you like to take those home and squeeze 'em?" (or whatever) makes me almost crap my pants. How is this different from him saying: "Check out the vagina on that one! Wouldn't you like to move your penis in and out of that vagina until you ejaculate?"? it's only a matter of degree. Oh, disgusting. Again, when women do this kind of thing, like make a statement about some guy's "butt," it just seems like their hearts aren't really in it. They want to piss on the man's behavioral turf, but their plumbing makes it too difficult. This is all so stupid, so I'll stop now. Aside from the fact that I can't hold my attention span together long enough to make this coherent or comprehensive, it's also totally disingenuous. Because I have a bunch of male friends, and I can hang out with any of them without fear of the above happening, because they are sensitive, intelligent, creative people. I don't hate the kind of man that I am most likely to come in contact with in my social circle -- I hate the other men, the slack-jawed, muscle-pumped doofi of the world. AND IF YOU'RE READING THIS, YOU DO TOO. But it's not a problem, because I almost never have to deal with Manly Men in a meaningful way. So what the fuck? Maybe I feel overprotective of all the girls that have to swat these monkeys away every time they go out for a drink, and maybe I feel a little ashamed of the fact that I could not physically defend any of my friends from an overbearing ogre, that in fact a Girl Scout could kick my ass with one hand bowlined to her badge sash. I have to post this unpolished because I am now having a total panic attack because I just found out that I'm hosting trivia night at a bar on Wednesday and I have done NOTHING TO PREPARE. I AM SO FUCKED. GABBLE! 0 comments |
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MY IMAGINARY GIRLFRIENDS Chan Marshall Rotem of the IDF Eleanor Friedberger Amy Goodman Bernardine Dohrn ('69) Maya Rudolph Joanna Newsom Imogen Heap Caroline Dhavernas Shana Rae Ray DISALLOWED FOREVER "I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!" - "from whence" - "...the exception that proves the rule" - any use of the question "spit or swallow?" - the phrase "drop trou" - fake-o reviewer verbs: "penned" for wrote "helmed" for directed "lensed" for whatever - "expat" - the euphemism "passed away" - pronouncing merci beaucoup as "mercy buckets!" (see also: "grassy-ass!") PET PEEVES "confinscated" - trying children "as adults" - "drownded" - misuse of reflexive pronouns, as when someone says "Please talk to Bob or myself." Come on people now. "Myself" is not just a fancy version of "me"! LEARN IT. - tattoos in the Courier font - any use of Comic Sans |