UNIVERSAL DONOR: MA VIE EN CROUTE
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Universal Donor
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Wednesday, July 28, 2004
Lately I've been looking at famous men and comparing myself to them. This is not a good thing to do unless you have a limitless pool of narcissism burbling inside you. Luckily, I do! Now, I have not been performing this survey with any pretense of comprehensiveness. The men included just happened to pass in front of my eyes in the last week or so. Still, I compare favorably to just about everybody, as you'll see.
Lance Armstrong looks old to me. He's 33, which is not old, but he looks kinda leathery and skeletal [note: call Vilanch for Nicholson/Lara Flynn Boyle joke to insert here]. I would say that Lance is trying very hard to commit suicide, except that he's proven himself to be relatively invincible, what with totally bitch-slapping nasty cases of nut, leg, and wrist cancer. Or whatever. He had a funny enough cameo in Dodgeball, but that doesn't prove that he has a sense of humor -- just that he can memorize a short string of words and parrot it back without glancing at the camera. How could he have a sense of humor? Here's his life: BIKE, BIKE, SWEAT, SWEAT, SLEEP, PUMP IRON, BEAT WIFE, BIKEY BIKE BIKE. Advantage: UD. On Six Feet Under, Nate Fisher's hair is very cute but I don't think it would fly at a funeral home. Otherwise, the character is a mopey sumbitch and I guess you can't blame him, but don't you feel like Peter Krause has gotten awfully far on that smirky fucking half-smile? (Now that I think about it, what cast member of Sports Night didn't use that smile as their primary, go-to facial expression?) You know what's so weird about Six Feet Under? With the exception of Frances Conroy, none of the characters move their facial muscles almost at all; they're frozen in their expression of choice. I've only seen a couple of episodes, so maybe I should shut up, but think about it and maybe you'll see what I mean. As for Krause, well, sure he's hot, but can the man blog? Advantage: UD. Jake Gyllenhaal is just straight-up gooney-looking. His character in The Good Girl was obviously a little unhinged, and that's only occasionally attractive, but somehow the movie really called attention to his huge head, which I didn't notice in Donnie Darko. And he's another smirker. A soulful smirker. Okay, I smirk sometimes, but only when someone is too far away for me to put my hands in their underpants. Jakey G is a big-eyed freak. What the hell has happened to me? What is this shit? Advantage: Everyone but UD. Colin Farrell is an idiotic lip-chewing leprechaun, and whoever styles his facial hair should be bashed in the nuts with a cast-iron boot, forever. (I hope to god he styles his own facial hair!) I probably don't have to say much to convince you that this guy is a class-a fucktard. Just picture him running full-speed in a shiny suit while kissing a rosary in Minority Report and try to hold down your bile. And they picked this Irish midget to play Alexander the Fucking Great? GLLLAARRRGGLE! Fuck you! History itself rises up to smash you! Is Schumacher involved in that project? He has such a hard-on for Colin Farrell. Farrell! He's yet another goddamn smirker! Smirkers! Everywhere! Shut up, smirkers! Advantage: UD! Universal Donor über alles! Now I am completely bored with talking about famous men. Colin Farrell makes my blood hurt. I also hate Julia Stiles, mostly because she can't act, not because she's a moon-faced pout machine. Didn't I say last week that it wasn't okay to make fun of people's physical characteristics? Well you can make fun of famous people's anything. Shut up. (Just so you don't think I hate everybody, here are two people I love: Justin Theroux, and... well, if I think of somebody else, I'll let you know.) 0 comments |
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MY IMAGINARY GIRLFRIENDS Chan Marshall Rotem of the IDF Eleanor Friedberger Amy Goodman Bernardine Dohrn ('69) Maya Rudolph Joanna Newsom Imogen Heap Caroline Dhavernas Shana Rae Ray DISALLOWED FOREVER "I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!" - "from whence" - "...the exception that proves the rule" - any use of the question "spit or swallow?" - the phrase "drop trou" - fake-o reviewer verbs: "penned" for wrote "helmed" for directed "lensed" for whatever - "expat" - the euphemism "passed away" - pronouncing merci beaucoup as "mercy buckets!" (see also: "grassy-ass!") PET PEEVES "confinscated" - trying children "as adults" - "drownded" - misuse of reflexive pronouns, as when someone says "Please talk to Bob or myself." Come on people now. "Myself" is not just a fancy version of "me"! LEARN IT. - tattoos in the Courier font - any use of Comic Sans |