Universal Donor
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You are just a number
to me! And that number
is:

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PAGES UD MADE:

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My Books Page

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My Reviews Page

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My Reference Page

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My Music Page

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My Pictures

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My Store

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UD-RELATED PAGES:

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My LiveJournal

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My MySpace music page

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My Flickr page

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My del.icio.us page

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My Last.fm page

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My Amazon Wishlist

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HEAVY ROTATION

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Dan Deacon:
Bromst
Animal Collective:
Merriweather Post Pavillion
Bon Iver:
For Emma, Forever Ago
Vampire Weekend:
Vampire Weekend
Fleet Foxes:
Fleet Foxes

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BLOGS ETC

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claude le monde
nuncstans
rock 'em stock 'em
tomato nation
postmodern drunkard
tuckova 22
ghastly mess
constintina
total virility
fuzzysquid
drunken bee
stacey nightmare
elyse from ANTM
stereolabrat
dark side points
jf_franklin
123 i love you READ NOW
brotherhood 2.0

NOT BLOGS ETC

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qwantz (dinosaur comix)
go fug yourself
the burg
cat and girl
book of ratings
married to the sea
icanhascheezburger
fire joe morgan
fivethirtyeight.com
READ NOW
hospitality on parade

WEIRD LOVE

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dead amusement pks
craters!

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all content
© 2002-2010
Jeremy Broomfield

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PRAISE & REVIEWS

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"[UD] is a genius."
--Christian Oates

"[Claudia] is fucking awesome, and [UD] is a genius. And vice versa. You should all buy Fear Not."
--Tricia Howey



MOTTO

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egeo huic vigorum

MY WRESTLING NAME

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Titan Gently

MY PUNK NAME

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Razor Ection







WHO LINKS TO UD?

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and here's something
weird: my place
in Humor 3-space

  The Summer Olympics are finally ending, which is good for the the part of my brain that is uncomfortable with the amount of "women's" gymnastics I end up watching every four years. If you turn on the TV at all during the games you can't escape the televisual barrage of flying skintight glitter freaks, because somebody at NBC decided that Americans will only watch amateur jocks if they show a lot of skin (swimming, gymnastics, track & field, and now beach volley-bikini-up-hot-girls-ass-ball).
      I guess gymnastics aren't so much about the nudity, but they're on all the time. The skintightness aspect of the uniform is strange for exhibiting just how stunted and underdeveloped the girls are, looking like 12-year olds even at the age of 25. This freakshow effect helps keep ratings high. Olympic gymnastic events were designed by soviet scientists in the mind-control department of the Lubianka to be utterly, all-encompassingly compelling. You heard it here first: gymnastics were designed to incapacitate a nation of viewers in preparation for a massive communist invasion. I guess the USSR's army is not so much an invasion threat anymore, but drool- and sloth-inducing sport lives on. You cannot look away, you cannot help but absorb some of the rules and procedures, you will start cheering (quietly, internally at first, but later with little vocalized yelps) for your newfound "favorite" gymnasts, and you will very quickly find yourself spitting in disgust at fifteen-year-old girls because of something their foot did. And you will notice that some of the girls seem to be just millimeters away from actual midgethood. This is cruelty, state-sponsored and swollen with nationalistic pride. Carly Patterson, the little Texan bitchcake who won the all-around competition, is the perfect height for me to rest my drink on her head. And in ten years, when she can no longer compete with the new generation of embryonic mutant gymnokillbots, she'll be lucky to find work as an ambulatory coaster.
     The evening news tonight is showing a whole buttload of footage of the NYPD being trained to handle an encyclopedia's worth of horrifying terror-related RNC scenarios. I bet the people who came up with these training exercises were the weirdest Dungeon Masters in their D&D clubs back in '85. I mean they probably wore fedoras or suspenders when they got to high school -- that kind of weird. Anyway, in the training videos (which I assume they show us so that we'll feel reassured at the preparedness of our cops, when really I only feel like they're prepared to bash the faces of any protester they see wearing a black bandana over his face) you see cops in all-over Tyvek body suits with integral multicolored filtration units (and, one hopes, diapers -- you couldn't really blame your average flatfoot for getting pants-poopingly scared in a sarin gas or "dirty bomb" attack, right) walking through decomissioned subway cars in deserted parking lots. In terms of training, it's unrealistic for a number of reasons, but they strove for realism in the "extras" they hired to play innocent bystanders who were screaming for help, loudly, creatively, and NONSTOP.
     That seems realistic. I've never been in a real mass panic situation before, but the closest analogue I've got was an almost-accident on I-80 in Pennsylvania; as the car spun helplessly out of control on the snow-covered roadway, spinning at like .75 rps, the passenger in the backseat next to me said to the driver "Dan what are you doing Dan what are you doing Dan, Dan, what are you doing Dan what are you doing what are you doing what are you doing?" in an eerie and loud monotone.
     In the news segment's footage the bystanders are screaming, for example (and imagine the following in all caps, italic, and bold, and underline (the "everything bagel" of text formatting)):
     WOMAN: Oh my god my baby my baby help my baby help me my baby!
     MAN: I have to get out of here! I have to get out! For god's sake get me OUT!
     MAN: Somebody tell me what's going on! What's happening?
Etcetera etcetera. Perfectly plausible. So I want to write those lines for those people, if they're not completely ad-libbed, because plausible includes a lot more interesting things in a real panic. Here are some lines I like:
1. "Help me oh my god I've misplaced my briefcase oh god there are important papers in there my boss will KILL me oh god oh GAAHHHD."
2. "Metrocard! I still have Unlimited! I'm on it! Thirty dollar! Fuck-ah! No no no!"
3. " I ain't smell shit, I ain't hear no shit blow up. This is some crazy bullshit, son! Crackers runnin' round up in here with guns an' shit. Shee-it. I ain't movin'. You crazy."
4. "Derek Jeter Derek Jeter Derek Jeter Jerreck Deeter Jerreck Deeter!"

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My office gave us the week off, how bout that! Maybe I'll post dangerous, man-on-the-street updates from the safety of my own home.
posted by Universal Donor 2:37 PM 0 comments

OTHER REVIEWS:
Scrabble NEW!

LATEST BOOK REVIEWS:
The Game
Moneyball
One-Upsmanship
Siddhartha

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You need the
Fear Not Guide to Life.
Buy it already. ($4)

Now available!
The Broomfield Variations CD
($10)

or go to The UD Store

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MY IMAGINARY GIRLFRIENDS

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Chan Marshall
Rotem of the IDF
Eleanor Friedberger
Amy Goodman
Bernardine Dohrn ('69)
Maya Rudolph
Joanna Newsom
Imogen Heap
Caroline Dhavernas

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Shana Rae Ray

DISALLOWED FOREVER

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"I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!"
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"from whence"
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"...the exception that proves the rule"
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any use of the question "spit or swallow?"
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the phrase "drop trou"
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fake-o reviewer verbs:
"penned" for wrote
"helmed" for directed
"lensed" for whatever
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"expat"
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the euphemism
"passed away"
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pronouncing merci beaucoup as "mercy buckets!"
(see also: "grassy-ass!")

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PET PEEVES

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"confinscated"
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trying children "as adults"
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"drownded"
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misuse of reflexive pronouns, as when someone says "Please talk to Bob or myself." Come on people now. "Myself" is not just a fancy version of "me"! LEARN IT.
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tattoos in the Courier font
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any use of Comic Sans

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