UNIVERSAL DONOR: MA VIE EN CROUTE
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Universal Donor
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You are just a number to me! And that number is: PAGES UD MADE: My Books Page My Reviews Page My Reference Page My Music Page My Pictures My Store UD-RELATED PAGES: My LiveJournal My MySpace music page My Flickr page My del.icio.us page My Last.fm page My Amazon Wishlist HEAVY ROTATION Dan Deacon: Bromst Animal Collective: Merriweather Post Pavillion Bon Iver: For Emma, Forever Ago Vampire Weekend: Vampire Weekend Fleet Foxes: Fleet Foxes BLOGS ETC claude le monde nuncstans rock 'em stock 'em tomato nation postmodern drunkard tuckova 22 ghastly mess constintina total virility fuzzysquid drunken bee stacey nightmare elyse from ANTM stereolabrat dark side points jf_franklin 123 i love you READ NOW brotherhood 2.0 NOT BLOGS ETC qwantz (dinosaur comix) go fug yourself the burg cat and girl book of ratings married to the sea icanhascheezburger fire joe morgan fivethirtyeight.com READ NOW hospitality on parade WEIRD LOVE dead amusement pks craters! all content © 2002-2010 Jeremy Broomfield 
Hosted by: HostRocket.Com Comments by: YACCS PRAISE & REVIEWS "[UD] is a genius." --Christian Oates "[Claudia] is fucking awesome, and [UD] is a genius. And vice versa. You should all buy Fear Not." --Tricia Howey MOTTO egeo huic vigorum MY WRESTLING NAME Titan Gently MY PUNK NAME Razor Ection 
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Friday, September 10, 2004
I was standing by the living room window, excising the little tumors of cookie dough from my pint of Häagen Dazs and performing the necessary biopsies with my tongue. (Diagnosis: delicious.) Do not ever waste your time with Ben & Jerry's pathetic excuse of an attempt at the cookie dough flavor -- the shit is barely metastatic. I swear there were only like five chunks of dough in the entire B&J pint, whereas your standard HD pint has like a 1:4 dough/ice cream ratio, and not so much chocolate that you end up in chocoshock, which is a stupid compensatory tactic employed by the dough-stingy fuckwads at B&J -- putting lots of chocolate chunks in the Cookie Dough flavor -- who are clearly more interested in alphabetizing their Phish concert bootlegs than producing quality desserts.
Anyway so by the window I heard the horrifying sound of the alleycats screaming, which always reminds me of this conversation I with the old roommate Zorgot: UD: Man, those cats are loud when they fight. ZORGOT: Um. . . they're not fighting. . . . UD: What? They sure sou— Oh! Ohhhhhhhh. Yes, that's me, the city kid, always showing off my lack of knowledge of the natural world. But once I found out that they were making sweet love, I at least knew why the lady cats cried: tomcats have barbs on their little kitty dicks. Yes that's right: barbs. Like you'd find on a fishhook. Mother Nature is a fucked-up evil hobag. I'm sorry to be so vulgar, but if you're not afraid of your eyes bleeding, check this out. And speaking of barbs, I was just thinking about Louis Braille. The story goes that he blinded himself in an accident involving an awl. This sounds like a load of shit to me. How do you accidentally stick an awl in one eye? I'm trying to picture the angles at which you'd have to be working on something with the awl that would allow for an eyeward slip, and the postures required seem frankly improbable in a leatherworking context. I'm sure a quick spin over to the Wikipedia would answer this question, but I'm feeling speculative, so don't spoil my party. Okay -- let's accept the accidental first incident as given. How do you, like, put that awl in the other eye? HOW DO YOU DO THAT? You have to be one fucktarded French attention-seeker, that's for sure. Aww, was your older frère getting all of the love? You stupid frog! Go skip some stones and buckle your breeches! Now, I can picture an angle where just one fateful slip of the awl off of a shiny leather workpiece could do damage to both eyes at once -- sort of a side-entry deal, with and impromptu crunchy piercing of the bridge of the nose -- but that kinda requires a curvy awl, and I don't remember the story specifying a curvy awl, which I don't think a detail like that would have been left out it it had been true. The story would have gone "in 18__, Louis Braille totally blinded himself in both eyes at once with a special curvy awl," and the awl would have haunted the nightmares of schoolchildren for generations, and been used as a threat against naughty French brats who didn't finish their cheese plates and expected Crème Caramel nonetheless. 0 comments |
OTHER REVIEWS: Scrabble NEW! LATEST BOOK REVIEWS: The Game Moneyball One-Upsmanship Siddhartha You need the Fear Not Guide to Life. Buy it already. ($4) Now available! The Broomfield Variations CD ($10) or go to The UD Store 
MY IMAGINARY GIRLFRIENDS Chan Marshall Rotem of the IDF Eleanor Friedberger Amy Goodman Bernardine Dohrn ('69) Maya Rudolph Joanna Newsom Imogen Heap Caroline Dhavernas Shana Rae Ray DISALLOWED FOREVER "I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!" - "from whence" - "...the exception that proves the rule" - any use of the question "spit or swallow?" - the phrase "drop trou" - fake-o reviewer verbs: "penned" for wrote "helmed" for directed "lensed" for whatever - "expat" - the euphemism "passed away" - pronouncing merci beaucoup as "mercy buckets!" (see also: "grassy-ass!") PET PEEVES "confinscated" - trying children "as adults" - "drownded" - misuse of reflexive pronouns, as when someone says "Please talk to Bob or myself." Come on people now. "Myself" is not just a fancy version of "me"! LEARN IT. - tattoos in the Courier font - any use of Comic Sans |
