UNIVERSAL DONOR: MA VIE EN CROUTE

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UD-RELATED PAGES:

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HEAVY ROTATION

Dan Deacon:
Bromst
Animal Collective:
Merriweather Post Pavillion
Bon Iver:
For Emma, Forever Ago
Vampire Weekend:
Vampire Weekend
Fleet Foxes:
Fleet Foxes




BLOGS ETC

claude le monde
nuncstans
rock 'em stock 'em
tomato nation
postmodern drunkard
tuckova 22
ghastly mess
constintina
total virility
fuzzysquid
drunken bee
stacey nightmare
elyse from ANTM
stereolabrat
dark side points
jf_franklin
123 i love you READ NOW
brotherhood 2.0

NOT BLOGS ETC

qwantz (dinosaur comix)
go fug yourself
the burg
cat and girl
book of ratings
married to the sea
icanhascheezburger
fire joe morgan
fivethirtyeight.com
READ NOW
hospitality on parade

WEIRD LOVE

dead amusement pks
craters!


all content
© 2002-2010
Jeremy Broomfield



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PRAISE & REVIEWS

"[UD] is a genius."
--Christian Oates

"[Claudia] is fucking awesome, and [UD] is a genius. And vice versa. You should all buy Fear Not."
--Tricia Howey



MOTTO

egeo huic vigorum

MY WRESTLING NAME

Titan Gently

MY PUNK NAME

Razor Ection



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and here's something
weird: my place
in Humor 3-space

Friday, November 19, 2004
 
During times of stress, we all have our ways of coping or letting off steam. Because I have A.D.D., I can't use just one method of stress relief, like your Xanax or your yoga; I need a rainbow or relief. Yesterday's lunchtime stress valve was kindergarten regression: I picked up a blackberry, smeared it across my lips while mugging into a mirror in imitation of Grandma at her vanity, and then chased after my coworker, yelling: "Unca Joe! Unca Joe! Ooka ma mipstick! Ooka ma mipstick!" He was mildly horrified.
     Today, however, I only want to express joy at the following turn of events:
THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT
I had an overdraft fee charged to my checking account because of a mix-up at my online bill-paying service. The details are yawn-tastic, but the gist is that Washington Mutual hit me with a $30 overdraft fee even though my direct-deposited paycheck more than covered the overdraft within 24 hours. (Overdraft fees are so obnoxious anyway. A fee for being broke? Awesome, thanks a bushel, you fucksuck dirtbags! It's like a giant kick in the testicles when you're already face-down in the gutter spitting your teeth down the storm drain.) But but but so they charged me the fee and I called them up. Here's how it went down:
     UD: Hi. I don't want to pay the overdraft fee because the money was there within 24 hours.
     WaMu Rep.: It's not 24 hours. If you close the day with a negative balance, we charge you.
     UD: I don't like that. How about you reverse the charge? I've learned my lesson.
     WaMu Rep.: We can't reverse fees unless there's a bank error.
     UD: You mean you can't reverse the charge.
     WaMu Rep.: No, bank policy states that we cannot reverse the charge unless there was an error.
     UD: Nobody can, huh?
     WaMu Rep.: No sir.
     UD: Well, howsabout you transfer me to someone higher up so they can say no to me?
     WaMu Rep.: Please hold for Diana.
-----------[five minutes of holding]--------------
     Supervisor: Hello, Mr. Donor--
     UD: Diana, please, call me Universal! If I can call you Diana, it's only fair.
     Supervisor: Um....
     UD: Okay yeah well listen I spoke to the woman who transferred me to you and she explained the bank's policy but unfortunately I had been under the impression that the policy regarding overdrafts was that If the funds were deposited within 24 hours that no fee would be charged and I understand that that's not the policy but I was wondering if maybe just this once -- because I've learned my lesson, and this definitely won't happen again (especially after I talk to my online bill-pay service, the ones who screwed this up in the first place by not confirming the payment with me before sending it, they just sent it automatically and I'm definitely gonna fix that) -- I was wondering if just this once as a favor to a good customer maybe you could reverse the charges for me? Just this once?
     Supervisor: [stunned silence]
     UD: Diana?
     Supervisor: Ok, um, Mr. Donor, just this once I am going to credit back the $30 charge but I'm gonna make a note on your account that this is purely a customer courtesy and that there was no bank error and in the future if this happens you will be charged the fee.
     UD: Oh it'll never happen again, I promise! Thank you so much!

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MY IMAGINARY GIRLFRIENDS

Chan Marshall
Rotem of the IDF
Eleanor Friedberger
Amy Goodman
Bernardine Dohrn ('69)
Maya Rudolph
Joanna Newsom
Imogen Heap
Caroline Dhavernas

Shana Rae Ray

DISALLOWED FOREVER

"I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!"
-
"from whence"
-
"...the exception that proves the rule"
-
any use of the question "spit or swallow?"
-
the phrase "drop trou"
-
fake-o reviewer verbs:
"penned" for wrote
"helmed" for directed
"lensed" for whatever
-
"expat"
-
the euphemism
"passed away"
-
pronouncing merci beaucoup as "mercy buckets!"
(see also: "grassy-ass!")



PET PEEVES

"confinscated"
-
trying children "as adults"
-
"drownded"
-
misuse of reflexive pronouns, as when someone says "Please talk to Bob or myself." Come on people now. "Myself" is not just a fancy version of "me"! LEARN IT.
-
tattoos in the Courier font
-
any use of Comic Sans