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Jeremy Broomfield



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and here's something
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in Humor 3-space

Wednesday, November 03, 2004
 
Fuck. Well, I feel like I've been kicked in the nads really hard. I didn't realize until last night that I've really believed Kerry would win for a long time. Two weeks ago I tried to get Raekool to mail me the box she has of Regime Change T-shirts because I was absolutely sure that after today they'd be worthless. I only slept with chemical assistance last night, and I woke feeling like congealed stew. My house is a mess. I had planned to clean up after this weekend's frantic roommate-switch and Halloween prep (my house was a launching pad for several revelers, two of whom were bees. Bees!) but I had no energy for anything. I couldn't watch the returns straight up, so I watched Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels on IFC while Dan Rather blathered homespun Texas editorial commentary in the little picture-in-picture box on the upper left of my screen. "This race is hot enough to fry a buzzard on the blacktop" or "the Kerry camp is nervous as a cat in a firework factory" or "the margin is as tight as a twelve-year-old boy's barnhole." Shut up, Dan.
     I called a West Coast friend before I went to bed at 2am EST, and she was screaming at the top of her lungs about buying guns and going out and "shooting people in the middle," which I think meant "shooting people who live in the middle of the country" and not "shooting people in the midriff." I can't imagine what the country is thinking. I feel so incredibly bad, and I feel especially bad for people that I know who have spent a huge part of the last year campaigning, registering voters, traveling, and cold-calling, all for nothing. I think I'd be suicidal in their place. The rest of the world must be gagging with revulsion right now; they knew the last election was stolen, and watched in horror as this administration fucked up everything they touched like King Midas on Backwards Day, but now it looks like America actually voted for the most dangerous clowns the world has ever seen. We are fucked, man. We've got a lot of power, but if the rest of the world gangs up on us, we don't stand a chance.
     I've tried not to be political here in the past, for fear of alienating readers who didn't agree with me. But goddamn. Goddamn. How could half the country vote for Bush? How could they believe anything good could come of that act? Maybe the FCC rules changes had the profound effect we were all worried about: the vast consolidation of Conservative Media must have woven misinformation into a blanket so heavy that nobody in the middle of the country could wriggle out to the edges to hear any viewpoints to oppose those that came from the White House Press Office or the American Enterprise Institute or whatever. Maybe the paper-trail-less electronic voting machines made by the company whose CEO vowed to deliver the election to Bush were tweaked to steal the election. Maybe the widespread but underreported intimidation, misinformation, and corruption -- like the various companies that "registered" thousand of voters only to throw away those filled out by Democrats -- added up to make the vital difference. Did most Americans know that Bush has slowly been filling positions in local Draft Boards all over the country? Probably not. Maybe P. Diddy drove people away for the Democratic party. I don't know. But four more years can inflict a lot of damage. I really hope it doesn't take another great depression to shock this country into electing another FADER -- the New Deal has been systematically dismantled over the last 40 years, and people seem to have forgotten what it was all about. I can't stop my stomach from gushing acid into my throat. I feel like John Hurt at the Alien dinner table. Help.

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MY IMAGINARY GIRLFRIENDS

Chan Marshall
Rotem of the IDF
Eleanor Friedberger
Amy Goodman
Bernardine Dohrn ('69)
Maya Rudolph
Joanna Newsom
Imogen Heap
Caroline Dhavernas

Shana Rae Ray

DISALLOWED FOREVER

"I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!"
-
"from whence"
-
"...the exception that proves the rule"
-
any use of the question "spit or swallow?"
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the phrase "drop trou"
-
fake-o reviewer verbs:
"penned" for wrote
"helmed" for directed
"lensed" for whatever
-
"expat"
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the euphemism
"passed away"
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pronouncing merci beaucoup as "mercy buckets!"
(see also: "grassy-ass!")



PET PEEVES

"confinscated"
-
trying children "as adults"
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"drownded"
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misuse of reflexive pronouns, as when someone says "Please talk to Bob or myself." Come on people now. "Myself" is not just a fancy version of "me"! LEARN IT.
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tattoos in the Courier font
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any use of Comic Sans