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and here's something
weird: my place
in Humor 3-space

Thursday, December 16, 2004
 
Don't we have foresight anymore? I know that end-of-the-worlders, doom-sayers, chicken-littles, and john-the-revelators are out of fashion in every walk of American life except in the White House (which is actively engaged in an attempt to bring about the apocalypse as predicted by Mimi Rogers in The Rapture -- read this horrifying article and the try not to flop helplessly onto the floor in fear and disgust), but I keep seeing signs, mostly involving robots.
     Bill Joy predicted that nanobots -- small enough to be inhaled -- might be the death of us at some point. That was some scary shit, because Bill Joy is a smart dude. Well now my friend Saps the Clown sends me this article about Science's latest Good Idea That Upon a Moment's Reflection is Clearly a Horrendously Bad Idea: Robots that Eat Stuff. It would be cool to create a robot that ate, say, spent plutonium fuel rods from nuclear reactors and pooped out, say, pistachio ice cream in marzipan bowls. But robots that eat dead flies sound very zombie-ish, and as such make me nervous because I have no idea how to kill a robot zombie. Regular zombies, easy enough: go for the head, duh (thanks to L.Knell for the design). But until someone designs me a nanobat or nanocrowbar with which to smash a nanozombot's nanohead, I'm not leaving my hermetic compound.
     (Actually, every science lab in this country should have a science-fiction writer on its staff who would review all projects and proposals and submit a short story (or novella, for particularly ominous projects) examining the worst-case scenarios that might result from each one. If your thesis project is to design robotic laser knives with eyes, brains, and wheels, you would very likely get shut down after the head of the department read the story submitted by the lab's SciFiGuy. You would, however, be entitled to 40% of the movie rights to the story based on your project, DeathBlade.com.)
     To make matters worse, robots might not need to find a way to self replicate, because first of all Exhibit A [extremely not worksafe, by the way] -- boy robots are figuring out how to mate with and possibly impregnate our women, and second of all, human males are fantasizing en masse about having sex with sexy female robots. THE SKY IS FALLING.
     But every cloud has a shiny metallic lining! Because here's a term I just coined and like very much, to describe the clothes worn by microscopic zombie robots: nanopants. Yay!

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MY IMAGINARY GIRLFRIENDS

Chan Marshall
Rotem of the IDF
Eleanor Friedberger
Amy Goodman
Bernardine Dohrn ('69)
Maya Rudolph
Joanna Newsom
Imogen Heap
Caroline Dhavernas

Shana Rae Ray

DISALLOWED FOREVER

"I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!"
-
"from whence"
-
"...the exception that proves the rule"
-
any use of the question "spit or swallow?"
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the phrase "drop trou"
-
fake-o reviewer verbs:
"penned" for wrote
"helmed" for directed
"lensed" for whatever
-
"expat"
-
the euphemism
"passed away"
-
pronouncing merci beaucoup as "mercy buckets!"
(see also: "grassy-ass!")



PET PEEVES

"confinscated"
-
trying children "as adults"
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"drownded"
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misuse of reflexive pronouns, as when someone says "Please talk to Bob or myself." Come on people now. "Myself" is not just a fancy version of "me"! LEARN IT.
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tattoos in the Courier font
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any use of Comic Sans