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You are just a number
to me! And that number
is:

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PAGES UD MADE:

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My Books Page

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My Reviews Page

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My Reference Page

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My Music Page

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My Pictures

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My Store

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UD-RELATED PAGES:

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My LiveJournal

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My MySpace music page

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My Flickr page

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My del.icio.us page

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My Last.fm page

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My Amazon Wishlist

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HEAVY ROTATION

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Dan Deacon:
Bromst
Animal Collective:
Merriweather Post Pavillion
Bon Iver:
For Emma, Forever Ago
Vampire Weekend:
Vampire Weekend
Fleet Foxes:
Fleet Foxes

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BLOGS ETC

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claude le monde
nuncstans
rock 'em stock 'em
tomato nation
postmodern drunkard
tuckova 22
ghastly mess
constintina
total virility
fuzzysquid
drunken bee
stacey nightmare
elyse from ANTM
stereolabrat
dark side points
jf_franklin
123 i love you READ NOW
brotherhood 2.0

NOT BLOGS ETC

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qwantz (dinosaur comix)
go fug yourself
the burg
cat and girl
book of ratings
married to the sea
icanhascheezburger
fire joe morgan
fivethirtyeight.com
READ NOW
hospitality on parade

WEIRD LOVE

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dead amusement pks
craters!

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all content
© 2002-2010
Jeremy Broomfield

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PRAISE & REVIEWS

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"[UD] is a genius."
--Christian Oates

"[Claudia] is fucking awesome, and [UD] is a genius. And vice versa. You should all buy Fear Not."
--Tricia Howey



MOTTO

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egeo huic vigorum

MY WRESTLING NAME

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Titan Gently

MY PUNK NAME

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Razor Ection







WHO LINKS TO UD?

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• from Technorati
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• from Yahoo



and here's something
weird: my place
in Humor 3-space

  I'm already giddy about my vacation, I have been for days now. I'll be sitting staring gape-mouthed at a blank Google search page, and at the pallid bust of Palpatine atop my monitor, and I'll inhale sharply. I will smile and I'm sure I smell the ocean, or hot dogs on sticks, or In-N-Out burgers. In my head I've got an old-fashioned click-click Stereophonic Viewmaster, and I'm cycling though images of all the beds I'm gonna sleep on, and exactly how much they're going to hurt my back -- each one has a numerical rating of Pain While Sleeping (PWS), Pain Upon Waking (PUW), and then there's the slightly harder to calculate Lingerance Factor -- how likely am I to still be feeling a bed's effects at 5pm? It's hard to calculate because how do you know it was last night's bed that caused today's drive-time pain, especially when you've been in and out of various non-ergonomic cars all day and sitting on all sorts of injection-molded public seating? Fuck it! I love California! I love vacation!
     Quick product note: I love the idea of Audioscrobbler, which tracks all the music you listen to on a web page you can look at, and er... show to your friends? I dunno, exactly. But it would be cool, if it WORKED. Today it is not tracking my songs, and I'm at a loss. But maybe you'll like the idea.
     Welcome to New York! It sure is hotsy-doodle today, pals! [last sentence writeen on Tuesday --Ed.] I'm not complaining about the amount of sweat I've created, but anybody within ten feet of me is! Yuk yuk! I'm sure looking forward to Lost Angeles, did I mention that? Because, as you may know, IT'S A DRY HEAT. And apparently, not so hot, either, this time of year. To return to the bed thing for a moment, Lulu has a Swedish NASA SpaceFoam Sumo Wineglass Mattress (as seen on TV) and I am looking forward to sleeping on that thing, which seems to be the closest I will ever get to realizing my dream of a Neoprene Morphine Harness.
     Oh! And I figured out today, in regards to a previous discussion, that Feist sounds like a cross between Joni Mitchell and Beth Gibbons of Portishead.
     Through a hideous oversight in my education, I've never read The Iliad, but I got to watch Troy the other night, so it's all good, right? I was really amused by the casting, which featured Brian Cox (who's Scottish) as Agamemnon, Brendan Gleeson as Menelaus and Peter O'Toole as Priam (both Irish), Eric Bana (Australian) as Hector, Orlando Bloom as Paris and Sean Bean as Odysseus (both English), so it was like a crazy commonwealth patchwork of non-Greek accents. Sean Bean was a particularly weird choice for the famous hero, seeing as he seems to specialize in weaselly pricks in movies as diverse as Ronin, Lord of the Rings, Goldeneye, and Patriot Games. I guess the Trojan Horse was kinda weaselly, and it was his idea. Brad Pitt played Achilles like a Brat Packer who believed his hype too hard, like maybe River Phoenix. But the thing is, my assumption going into the movie was that we were supposed to be cheering for the Greeks; after all, Homer was Greek and as such got to write history from the side of the winner, and Paris stole Helen, didn't he? But I swear, Wolfgang Petersen or his screenwriter literally flipped the script on us, portraying the Trojans as the noble and tragic heroes, and Eric Bana in particular played Hector as the Superdad/Husband for Heaven/Honorable Number One Son/Super Soldier, the kind of guy who probably brought sprays of Aegean wildflowers home to his wife and rubbed her feet every night and didn't fuck the servant boy more than once a week. I dunno. I feel like a maroon for not having ever read the fucking Iliad, but I've always felt that the Trojan Horse represented a triumph, and occasion where the good guys found a way to defeat an evil enemy. And now I'm confused. But thinking back, Wolfgang Petersen was able to make me take the side of a U-Boat full of Nazis, cheering as they sank American convoys and biting my fingernails to the bone as they dodged Allied depth charges for hours at a time in Das Boot. Does he sympathize with losers, or with aggressors, or is he playing devil's advocate? I'm not sure yet what the explanation is (maybe you guys can shed some commenty light on the sitch here) but in the end, I liked Troy because it was structurally sound, and not a complete disappointmenty waste of time (hmmm... it seems my entertainment standards have lowered over the years) and as a bonus I feel like I've read the Cliff's Notes of the Cliff's Notes for Iliad now. The Cliff's Notes squared.
     Hey-- do you guys remember Andrew W.K.? You can probably remember what he looked like: lanky stanky black hair to his nipples, white tee and white jeans, both stained with sweat and dirt, high-top sneakers. But I challenge you to remember what he sounded like. OKAY SHUT UP. Even if you can remember that big song of his (and even this far into this sentence I still can't hear it in my head -- I just see him spinning a mic around on its cord, pissing off his sound man) you remember it sort of the way you remember the lyrics to "I'm Too Sexy," i.e. with shock that such a thing was given enough airplay to tunnel so deeply into your long term storage banks. Can profound cultural irrelevance be fought off, foiled by rote repetition? I still can't get the A.W.K. song to play correctly in my head, but I hear a pastiche, like: "Uh uh party uh! Wigga digga unh! Party! Poop, pop, wimble foozy unh! Uhn! Party, unh!" and I can visualize his tree-trunk thighs and I see him punch the air and swing his long girly hair around like a special princess, and I can furthermore picture his idiot guitarist who wore like Bermuda shorts and a Hawaiian shirt and had hair like a fucking Fraggle. GET THESE PICTURES OUT OF MY HEAD!
     Okay now I may not talk to you again before I go on vacation tomorrow for ten days, and there is a very good chance that I will not post at all during the trip. So this is goodbye until the 28th or so. I love you and will miss you. It's too bad they don't have the InTerWeb in California. What a neolithic nightmare land!
posted by Universal Donor 5:12 PM 0 comments

OTHER REVIEWS:
Scrabble NEW!

LATEST BOOK REVIEWS:
The Game
Moneyball
One-Upsmanship
Siddhartha

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You need the
Fear Not Guide to Life.
Buy it already. ($4)

Now available!
The Broomfield Variations CD
($10)

or go to The UD Store

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MY IMAGINARY GIRLFRIENDS

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Chan Marshall
Rotem of the IDF
Eleanor Friedberger
Amy Goodman
Bernardine Dohrn ('69)
Maya Rudolph
Joanna Newsom
Imogen Heap
Caroline Dhavernas

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Shana Rae Ray

DISALLOWED FOREVER

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"I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!"
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"from whence"
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"...the exception that proves the rule"
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any use of the question "spit or swallow?"
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the phrase "drop trou"
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fake-o reviewer verbs:
"penned" for wrote
"helmed" for directed
"lensed" for whatever
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"expat"
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the euphemism
"passed away"
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pronouncing merci beaucoup as "mercy buckets!"
(see also: "grassy-ass!")

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PET PEEVES

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"confinscated"
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trying children "as adults"
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"drownded"
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misuse of reflexive pronouns, as when someone says "Please talk to Bob or myself." Come on people now. "Myself" is not just a fancy version of "me"! LEARN IT.
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tattoos in the Courier font
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any use of Comic Sans

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