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Jeremy Broomfield



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and here's something
weird: my place
in Humor 3-space

Thursday, June 30, 2005
 
INTERMISSION: MEDIA NOTES

While I'm working on the California Travelogue Part II, please consider the following:

Becky Carter Photography. Soak up the home page a bit, then go to the samples...color examples section. Is she a Fine Artist in the photographic tradition of Pierre et Gilles, except with girls? Or is she trying to find real live Barbies and Skippers? Is she the house photographer for the JonBenet Industry? You be the judge, but always beware of a website with a canary-yellow background. I am shivering.

• On NBCs Hit Me Baby One More Time, a reality show in which "one-hit wonders" from the 80s reprise said hits and then play a contemporary song of their choice, Wang Chung (who are at least a two-hit wonder) elected to interpret Nelly's Hot in Herre, to surprising success. It is, in fact, totally awesome, and way too short. Go listen. But hey Wang? Where's the breakdown, you Aussie sluts? I want you to give me a little bit of ah! ah! with a little bit of ah! ah!

• Back in 1995, at the age of fifteen Rosario Dawson played Ruby, one of the slutty young teens in Kids. Leo Fitzpatrick, who played main character Telly (the "I'll trade you your cherry for some AIDS" guy) played Johnny the Junkie on HBO's The Wire and Selma Blair's cerebrally-palsied boyfriend in Storytelling. Justin Pierce, who played Casper, hanged himself in 2000.

• George Romero put Asia Argento in his new zombie movie, an awesome in-joke for zombie movie fans.

• I've always thought, without being exposed to any of its actual content, that the musical Rent was probably an awful stinking pile of shit. And not because it's a musical (I know a lot of people, perhaps even some of you, who just prejudicially hate musical theater with blood-bubbling ferocity), because I have a lot of respect and yes, even love, for the art form; my mom had a video library of classic musicals that I watched over and over as a kid (Fiddler on the Roof, The Music Man, Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, Fame, etc.) and my dad had a number of soundtrack recordings from Broadway shows (Threepenny Opera, Sweeney Todd, blah blah etc.) so I learned to appreciate a well-executed musical. Recently, I've seen good live stuff too, like Cabaret, Urinetown, and especially Assassins, and I thought the movie of Chicago would have been almost perfect, if only they had found a way to explosively murder Renée Zellweger onscreen (and I don't mean her character, Roxie -- I mean that Renée Zellweger should be violently and publicly destroyed, her entire talentless body turned inside-out, or made into smaller, more manageable pieces by, say, running her slowly, feet-first, into a wood chipper).
     Anyway, so I like musicals, but I suspected Rent was made of donkey shit. The website for the forthcoming movie version calls Rent a "Pulitzer Prize and Tony Award-winning musical," so I assume they're now giving Pulitzers out like strip-club flyers on Times Square streetcorners. Because I watched the trailer for the movie, which featured the worst. song. ever. It is just mind-fellatingly bad, something about how many minutes are there in a day/year/life/love, and it is painful watching actors of some quality (Taye Diggs, Rosario Dawson, Jesse Martin) smile superbig and try to SELL that giant honking fuckbag of a song with all their hearts. If that song is indicative of the quality of the rest of the show -- and you'd think they'd pick one of the show's best for a trailer -- then I hereby state with confidence: Rent rivals Hitler's nutsack for badness. Rent makes Greg Araki look like Orson Welles. Makes the Shaggs sound like the London Symphony Orchestra. Rent is poop and they're gonna put it on the big screen, where it will be big shiny poop. If you feel like telling me otherwise, you can shut your fucksuck face, because you like poop.

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MY IMAGINARY GIRLFRIENDS

Chan Marshall
Rotem of the IDF
Eleanor Friedberger
Amy Goodman
Bernardine Dohrn ('69)
Maya Rudolph
Joanna Newsom
Imogen Heap
Caroline Dhavernas

Shana Rae Ray

DISALLOWED FOREVER

"I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!"
-
"from whence"
-
"...the exception that proves the rule"
-
any use of the question "spit or swallow?"
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the phrase "drop trou"
-
fake-o reviewer verbs:
"penned" for wrote
"helmed" for directed
"lensed" for whatever
-
"expat"
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the euphemism
"passed away"
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pronouncing merci beaucoup as "mercy buckets!"
(see also: "grassy-ass!")



PET PEEVES

"confinscated"
-
trying children "as adults"
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"drownded"
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misuse of reflexive pronouns, as when someone says "Please talk to Bob or myself." Come on people now. "Myself" is not just a fancy version of "me"! LEARN IT.
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tattoos in the Courier font
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any use of Comic Sans