UNIVERSAL DONOR: MA VIE EN CROUTE
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Universal Donor
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You are just a number to me! And that number is: PAGES UD MADE: My Books Page My Reviews Page My Reference Page My Music Page My Pictures My Store UD-RELATED PAGES: My LiveJournal My MySpace music page My Flickr page My del.icio.us page My Last.fm page My Amazon Wishlist HEAVY ROTATION Dan Deacon: Bromst Animal Collective: Merriweather Post Pavillion Bon Iver: For Emma, Forever Ago Vampire Weekend: Vampire Weekend Fleet Foxes: Fleet Foxes BLOGS ETC claude le monde nuncstans rock 'em stock 'em tomato nation postmodern drunkard tuckova 22 ghastly mess constintina total virility fuzzysquid drunken bee stacey nightmare elyse from ANTM stereolabrat dark side points jf_franklin 123 i love you READ NOW brotherhood 2.0 NOT BLOGS ETC qwantz (dinosaur comix) go fug yourself the burg cat and girl book of ratings married to the sea icanhascheezburger fire joe morgan fivethirtyeight.com READ NOW hospitality on parade WEIRD LOVE dead amusement pks craters! all content © 2002-2010 Jeremy Broomfield 
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Wednesday, September 14, 2005
• Don't ask me to solve your computer problems before I've had my coffee. This is not a warning, a threat, or a prima donna act -- it's purely practical, the office equivalent of a washing-instructions tag of an article of clothing. What? I saying that I'm as likely to damage your computer as fix it, pre-Colombian. Knaamean? Word, son. Don't do it. Do I know the email accounts are administered via a web interface that connects to our ISP? Usually I do. But before the coffee seeps through my stomach lining to saturate my "know cells," I think the email is administered by three women with old-fashioned handlooms in a small village in Gambia. By a triumvirate of tigers or whatever. Let me drink my coffee first, bitches. Then I know how shit is administered.
• Alan Dershowitz's obit of William Rhenquist reminds me, deliciously, of Hunter S. Thompson's obit of Richard Nixon. What I wanna know is who wrote the definitive warts-and-all obit of Ronald Reagan? And where is it? • I almost assaulted my coworker the other day because he did this thing -- this thing that he does all the time. Have I complained about him before? He's a great guy, but this one thing drives me absolutely batty. Put simply: he acts like he has made a joke or said something witty when he has not. I sense that he has a reputation as a "card" or whatever in his social circle (about which I know nothing; this is an assumption, and an ungenerous one at that. But what else is new?), or at least that he thinks of himself as a funny guy, a jokester, a wit. But I propose that you must actually make a joke to be considered a jokester. Is that so unreasonable an expectation? What my co-worker does instead, while kinda postmodern, is not joking. So here's how he does it: LADY: So I told the delivery guy to put his package wherever it would fit. JOKESTER: Tee hee! A ha ha ha. Fine. So this is equivalent of Beavis and Butthead acknowledging that a word with a double meaning has been uttered. I have great respect for B&B, but they are fictional characters through whom Mike Judge mocked people who are easily amused by double entendres. They're like people who are amused by someone tripping on the sidewalk, except less honest -- at least those schadenfreude motherfuckers aren't acting like they made a joke. These "entendre-observers" are, like, anti-witty. LADY: Life is so hard sometimes. Don't you think? Isn't it hard sometimes? JOKESTER: Hee hee! I'm not even gonna say what I'm thinking! Why not, dude? If it's so fucking funny, why not share it with us? I'm ready for a well-phrased dick joke! Lay it on us! Stick it to us! Let us have it! What's that? You got nothing? Oh! So that's why you're not gonna say what you're thinking. Because what you're thinking is "I can't think of anything funny to say after that natural dick-joke setup!" LADY: The mechanic didn't know what was wrong with my car, but my brother thought maybe I blew a rod. JOKESTER: Tee hee! Oh my god, I'm so evil! Ugh. Let's not get into how weird it is that people think it's cool to refer to themselves as "evil" -- why would you do that? Okay, putting that aside. So you're evil: prove it! Say the evil thing! Damn yourself to hell with your naughty thought, voiced aloud for the titillation of your coworkers! No? No! You got nothing? AARGH! Maybe this is Oscar Wilde's fault. Maybe he made a certain percentage of gay men think that they are witty just by virtue of being gay. But Oscar was fucking funny, for fucking real! Note to co-worker: "Oh my god, don't even go there!" is NOT a punchline! The classic actual punchline "that's what she said!", even though it's the most pathetic fratboy reflex, still requires a little bit (a very little bit) of thought to apply judiciously. And honestly I think the most dedicated practitioners of "that's what she said" use all of their available wattage to do so. You're smarter than this. So please. Make a joke if you're going to. But you can't giggle as if you've made a joke without making a joke, at least not when I'm around. That may fly with your pals at your local watering hole (hole!! har har! I'm not even gonna say it!), but you're not at the Algonquin, and your round table is just an ellipse. Yarf. Oh and I must point out that this co-worker is the same one who led me to post the final item on the "disallowed forevermore" list on the right hand side of this blog. Because he actually does that. Co-worker, I hope you never read this, but if you do, understand that I come from love. I'm just in an unforgiving mood this... um... year. 0 comments |
OTHER REVIEWS: Scrabble NEW! LATEST BOOK REVIEWS: The Game Moneyball One-Upsmanship Siddhartha You need the Fear Not Guide to Life. Buy it already. ($4) Now available! The Broomfield Variations CD ($10) or go to The UD Store 
MY IMAGINARY GIRLFRIENDS Chan Marshall Rotem of the IDF Eleanor Friedberger Amy Goodman Bernardine Dohrn ('69) Maya Rudolph Joanna Newsom Imogen Heap Caroline Dhavernas Shana Rae Ray DISALLOWED FOREVER "I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!" - "from whence" - "...the exception that proves the rule" - any use of the question "spit or swallow?" - the phrase "drop trou" - fake-o reviewer verbs: "penned" for wrote "helmed" for directed "lensed" for whatever - "expat" - the euphemism "passed away" - pronouncing merci beaucoup as "mercy buckets!" (see also: "grassy-ass!") PET PEEVES "confinscated" - trying children "as adults" - "drownded" - misuse of reflexive pronouns, as when someone says "Please talk to Bob or myself." Come on people now. "Myself" is not just a fancy version of "me"! LEARN IT. - tattoos in the Courier font - any use of Comic Sans |