UNIVERSAL DONOR: MA VIE EN CROUTE

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HEAVY ROTATION

Dan Deacon:
Bromst
Animal Collective:
Merriweather Post Pavillion
Bon Iver:
For Emma, Forever Ago
Vampire Weekend:
Vampire Weekend
Fleet Foxes:
Fleet Foxes




BLOGS ETC

claude le monde
nuncstans
rock 'em stock 'em
tomato nation
postmodern drunkard
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ghastly mess
constintina
total virility
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drunken bee
stacey nightmare
elyse from ANTM
stereolabrat
dark side points
jf_franklin
123 i love you READ NOW
brotherhood 2.0

NOT BLOGS ETC

qwantz (dinosaur comix)
go fug yourself
the burg
cat and girl
book of ratings
married to the sea
icanhascheezburger
fire joe morgan
fivethirtyeight.com
READ NOW
hospitality on parade

WEIRD LOVE

dead amusement pks
craters!


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© 2002-2010
Jeremy Broomfield



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PRAISE & REVIEWS

"[UD] is a genius."
--Christian Oates

"[Claudia] is fucking awesome, and [UD] is a genius. And vice versa. You should all buy Fear Not."
--Tricia Howey



MOTTO

egeo huic vigorum

MY WRESTLING NAME

Titan Gently

MY PUNK NAME

Razor Ection



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and here's something
weird: my place
in Humor 3-space

Thursday, December 08, 2005
 
From today's Times, file under "things that make you want to barf":
Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said she can give no guarantee that terrorism detainees won't be abused again despite what she called the United States' clear rules against torture.
     "Will there be abuses of policy? That's entirely possible," Rice said at a NATO press conference. "Just because you're a democracy it doesn't mean that you're perfect."
     She offered assurances, however, that any abuses would be investigated and violators punished.
Huk! -- Gak! -- Huk-HUAAAALLLLLP!! Barfffffflefrowlf!

Which brings me to today's theme: counterfactuals. Which before nuncstans gets frisky, let me quickly point out that I am not actually discussing logic, semantics, or if-then statements, but just a more folksy, literal interpretation of the word "counterfactuals," which I take to mean "shit that ain't true." FUCK IT we'll just call it the "What Ifs"! Also, miz jaxxon if you're nasty, you all can watch my commas dance in and out of my quotation marks like girls doing double dutch, because the UD style guide doesn't get specific on this issue. This is clearly a major failing of the style guide, which I wrote. Um, or which I wrote a third of and then saw something shiny.
     (In practice, I'd always put my commas inside my quotes until a) I did some programming in a language where what's in quotes matters a lot and more importantly b) some anglophile reader whose opinion I trust on many issues grammatical scolded the bewhoompus outta me when I let a homeless question mark find comfort and shelter inside a quotation -- in the comments section, even. So now I sometimes move punctuation to the right of a quotation mark just as a twitchy defense mechanism even when it's clearly wrong to do so. What can I say, I'm only human.)
     Oh, speaking of shiny distractions, did you know that in addition to the hilarious term "full stop" which the Brits use to refer to the punctuation mark we Murrakins call a "period," they also UPROARIOUSLY refer to their quotation marks as "inverted commas"? Wa ha ha! Don't get me started on "fanny."

Damn, dawg! It's the WHAT IFs! Which I can already tell are going to be an unsuccessful humor experiment which I will abort after, oh, let's say four items:

• What if "speed skating" meant something dirty? Like "I heard Paris Hilton (for example) went speed skating all over his Runson."

• Oh yeah, I forgot to mention: what if "Runson," "Bunsen," and "Junson" all became popular slang terms for male sex parts? Replacing "pecker," "cornhole," and "sackdoodle," respectively?

• Heh. What if I actually thought "sackdoodle" were a widely used term for the nutsack?

• What if the deli across the street -- where I get my breakfast and lunch every weekday -- didn't outrageously inflate their prices, underpay and verbally abuse their staff (which consists completely of undocumented immigrant workers who have little recourse), or routinely fail health inspections for (I'm guessing here) unacceptable amounts of rat feces in their prepared food (which in New York the standard for "acceptable" is necessarily pretty lax, and over the years we've come to expect a certain amount of ratshit in our food; it may not be a good thing, but it's our thing. Know what I mean? Heey, fuhgeddaboudit.)?

All right, that's it for the stupid What Ifs. In closing, here's a scene from my ongoing campaign to mess with the office building's doorman ahem concierge:
KEVIN: Damn, it's 2:30 already? Where does the day go?
UD: Who you callin' a dago, you fucking Irish piece of shit?

----

Oh and here's the picture of the mustache.

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MY IMAGINARY GIRLFRIENDS

Chan Marshall
Rotem of the IDF
Eleanor Friedberger
Amy Goodman
Bernardine Dohrn ('69)
Maya Rudolph
Joanna Newsom
Imogen Heap
Caroline Dhavernas

Shana Rae Ray

DISALLOWED FOREVER

"I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!"
-
"from whence"
-
"...the exception that proves the rule"
-
any use of the question "spit or swallow?"
-
the phrase "drop trou"
-
fake-o reviewer verbs:
"penned" for wrote
"helmed" for directed
"lensed" for whatever
-
"expat"
-
the euphemism
"passed away"
-
pronouncing merci beaucoup as "mercy buckets!"
(see also: "grassy-ass!")



PET PEEVES

"confinscated"
-
trying children "as adults"
-
"drownded"
-
misuse of reflexive pronouns, as when someone says "Please talk to Bob or myself." Come on people now. "Myself" is not just a fancy version of "me"! LEARN IT.
-
tattoos in the Courier font
-
any use of Comic Sans