UNIVERSAL DONOR: MA VIE EN CROUTE
|
||
|
Universal Donor
We can ill afford another Klendathu  feed it up!
| UD email
You are just a number to me! And that number is: PAGES UD MADE: My Books Page My Reviews Page My Reference Page My Music Page My Pictures My Store UD-RELATED PAGES: My LiveJournal My MySpace music page My Flickr page My del.icio.us page My Last.fm page My Amazon Wishlist HEAVY ROTATION Dan Deacon: Bromst Animal Collective: Merriweather Post Pavillion Bon Iver: For Emma, Forever Ago Vampire Weekend: Vampire Weekend Fleet Foxes: Fleet Foxes BLOGS ETC claude le monde nuncstans rock 'em stock 'em tomato nation postmodern drunkard tuckova 22 ghastly mess constintina total virility fuzzysquid drunken bee stacey nightmare elyse from ANTM stereolabrat dark side points jf_franklin 123 i love you READ NOW brotherhood 2.0 NOT BLOGS ETC qwantz (dinosaur comix) go fug yourself the burg cat and girl book of ratings married to the sea icanhascheezburger fire joe morgan fivethirtyeight.com READ NOW hospitality on parade WEIRD LOVE dead amusement pks craters! all content © 2002-2010 Jeremy Broomfield 
Hosted by: HostRocket.Com Comments by: YACCS PRAISE & REVIEWS "[UD] is a genius." --Christian Oates "[Claudia] is fucking awesome, and [UD] is a genius. And vice versa. You should all buy Fear Not." --Tricia Howey MOTTO egeo huic vigorum MY WRESTLING NAME Titan Gently MY PUNK NAME Razor Ection 
WHO LINKS TO UD? • from Technorati • from Google • from Yahoo and here's something weird: my place in Humor 3-space |
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
The following was too long for a comment, but it's a response to Stu's comment on the last post, in which he said
One of the main things about kissing is that it's pretty boring to watch and quite a lot of fun to do -- I'm not sure I could stand to watch even two horribly attractive actors kiss for more than 5 seconds without wanting to know when something is going to blow up and zombies will begin rappelling into the scene.My reply: Simply ridiculous, Stu. Rappelling zombies? I don't think so. First of all because rappelling requires too many things that zombies don't have: long-term planning ability, equipment, motor skills, just to name a few. Also, are your attractive smoochers standing at the base of a cliff, or leaning against a building? Because otherwise they're indoors, where rappelling is just more trouble than it's worth, or they are out in the open, which would require a helicopter, and, well, jeez, what kind of asshole would give a bunch of zombies a lift in his huey? Well, wait a sec. Maybe I can make this work. Okay, maybe it's a SWAT helicopter or something, and all the SWAT dudes put on their rappelling gear and took off for a four-hour flight to pick up these kissy gorgeous people, who are stranded in a field outside a town that's been completely overrun by the undead. Unfortunately for everyone involved, one of the SWAT dudes had been bitten by a zombie and neglected to mention it to anyone, so in midair he dies, turns, and swiftly dispatches his snoozing SWAT buddies, who die and turn in turn (...there is a season....). The pilot doesn't notice all this stuff for whatever reason (no rearview? restrictive harness? bulky helmet with broken comm system?), so he keeps flying towards the tongue-wrestling twosome. When he sees the heroes in the middle of the field, he tells his passengers to jump down and grab them, quick before any of those goddamn flesheaters are attracted by the noise of the rotors. The fully suited-up and harnessed SWAT zombies don't really respond except by scratching at the partition that separates them from the pilot, which they've been doing for a while now, but he hadn't noticed. Anyway, he follows standard SWAT procedure for encouraging reticent jumpers: he opens the side hatch and tilts the huey 45 degrees, spilling out the zombies, who slide down the ropes, utterly confused. Our liplocked heroes take a breath long enough for the girl to sigh "we're saved!" As they watch the SWAT zombies slide faster and faster down the ropes, the guy goes "Um..." and a second later the SWAT team hits the ground with a THUD THUD THUD THUD and the guy goes "...maybe not." The two SWAT zombies who didn't pulverize their legbones on impact struggle to their feet and start moving towards the couple. The guy goes "Okay, we can do this. We just gotta take out these bastards and get to those ropes so the pilot, who can't be a zombie," (cut to the pilot waving and giving them an oblivious thumbs up) "...so the pilot can haul us out of here to goddamn Bermuda already." The girl says "Okay. And don't think I've forgotten that you owe me a Strawberry Daiquiri." The guy chuckles, cocks his shotgun, says "Make it a double, baby" and BOOM BOOM shoots the two walking SWAT zombies. The girl walks over to the two remaining SWAT zombies, writhing at the bottom of the ropes, and uses her pirate cutlass (don't ask) to dispatch them, screaming "Yo-ho-ho, motherfuckers!" The couple grab the ropes and start kissing again. "I can already taste that daiquiri..." shouts the girl over the noise of the chopper. Cut to the pilot, who takes off his helmet for a second to wipe the sweat from his brow. This allows him to see a freaking army of zombies over a little hill, heading towards our heroes. He screams like a girl, panics, and slaps the button that releases the ropes. Our heroes watch, stunned, as their lifelines squiggle uselessly to the ground, pooling around their feet. "There goes our last best chance at survival," grits the hero. But we cut back to the pilot, who pitches the chopper forward to make his hasty exit. This causes a FIFTH SWAT ZOMBIE, who hadn't fallen out during the earlier roll, to fly forward through the partition into the cockpit! The pilot screams as the zombie grabs his head and takes a huge bite. Cut to outside shot of cockpit as gouts of blood paint its windows from the inside. Cut down to our heroes' point of view as the helicopter halts, spins around a bit, then plunges to the ground like an olympic diver some 200 feet from them, causing a giant fireball. Both of them shrug, saying "Huh." BUT! Cut to the zombie army, cresting the hill, moaning! "Honey," says the girl, looking behind her at the horde, "flesheaters at six o'oclock! Um. And 4 and 5 and 7 and 8 o'clock! Fuck! What are we gonna do?" The guy starts gathering the rope off the ground, saying "help me pick this up." She says "Why? You gonna hang the bastards? One by one? Come on! We gotta go!" "Nuh-uh," he says with a glint in his eye and a smile on his face, "I've got a plan." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Heh. That's all for now. Just proof of concept. Plus I've always wanted to use the word "huey." 0 comments |
OTHER REVIEWS: Scrabble NEW! LATEST BOOK REVIEWS: The Game Moneyball One-Upsmanship Siddhartha You need the Fear Not Guide to Life. Buy it already. ($4) Now available! The Broomfield Variations CD ($10) or go to The UD Store 
MY IMAGINARY GIRLFRIENDS Chan Marshall Rotem of the IDF Eleanor Friedberger Amy Goodman Bernardine Dohrn ('69) Maya Rudolph Joanna Newsom Imogen Heap Caroline Dhavernas Shana Rae Ray DISALLOWED FOREVER "I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!" - "from whence" - "...the exception that proves the rule" - any use of the question "spit or swallow?" - the phrase "drop trou" - fake-o reviewer verbs: "penned" for wrote "helmed" for directed "lensed" for whatever - "expat" - the euphemism "passed away" - pronouncing merci beaucoup as "mercy buckets!" (see also: "grassy-ass!") PET PEEVES "confinscated" - trying children "as adults" - "drownded" - misuse of reflexive pronouns, as when someone says "Please talk to Bob or myself." Come on people now. "Myself" is not just a fancy version of "me"! LEARN IT. - tattoos in the Courier font - any use of Comic Sans |