UNIVERSAL DONOR: MA VIE EN CROUTE

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"[UD] is a genius."
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and here's something
weird: my place
in Humor 3-space

Tuesday, January 24, 2006
 
So I had a positive experience with my cellular provider, which is as rare as a ribeye done right (thanks, Texan Analogy Generator!). I will give you a brief recap, with a lot of the folderol excised (and replacing the provider's name with "CORP" because I don't want to a) piss them off or b) give them free publicity):
UNIVERSAL DONOR: Hiya. I have two cell phones: one has always been a mobile phone with CORP, but the other was a Verizon land line for years until I had the number ported to a second CORP cell phone.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP #1: Uh-huh.
UD: But so now I want to cancel the newer one, the 718 number.
CSR1: Okay sir, that's no problem at all.
UD: Great.
CSR1: You are aware that there is a $150 early cancellation charge for that?
UD: Fuck shit fuck goddamnit titty cock ballsuck!
CSR1: Um.
UD: Sorry, not yelling at you, just yelling. I must have agreed to that in October. I feel like an idiot.
CSR1: It's okay sir, I hear it all day long, every day.
UD: Thanks. Wait... really? You hear people screaming curses all day every day?
CSR1: Um.
UD: Wow. I guess people only call when there's a problem, but... damn. That does not speak well of CORP.
CSR1: ...
UD: Okay, whatever. How much is it monthly?
CSR1: Well, it's ten dollars a month until the contract expires.
UD: And when is that?
CSR1: Uh, let me check. Um. Um...January, 2007.
UD: FUCK BALLS! Sorry.
CSR1: S'all right.
UD: $150 now or $120 over a year, huh?
CSR1: Yup. I guess --
     The line is disconnected. UD redials the number and waits on hold again.
UD: Hi I just got disconnected before can you take my number so you can call me back if we get disconnected?
CSR2: Sure. (he takes down the number, maybe.) How can I help you?
UD: (explains situation as above) So. I can cancel now and pay the $150 fee, or pay $120 over a year.
CSR2: There is another option. You could transfer the liability to someone else.
UD: Sounds promising so far. Tell me more.
CSR2: Well, you just find someone who wants to take your phone and phone number, and you transfer it to them. Any store can help you do this.
UD: Hmm. I don't see the upside for the other person. Lemme get this straight. Say I did this in June of this year, when there would only be six months left on my contract. So does that mean they'd only have to keep the service for six months?
CSR2: No, they would have to sign a new one or two year contract.
UD: So they get a used phone but a new, binding, contract and a phone number that could continue to get calls for me forever?
CSR2: Yes.
UD: That is an unattractive option.
CSR2: Okay, sir.
UD: I have a better idea. Instead of charging me $150 for canceling the service, how about you cancel the service, but DON'T charge me the fee?
CSR2: What?
UD: You know, as a goodwill gesture to a loyal customer, just... don't charge me the fee.
CSR2: (tapping sounds heard)
UD: Hello?
CSR2: Okay sir. We can do that for you. Because you are such a good customer.
UD: What, really? Really? Wow! Thanks!
CSR2: No problem sir. Just hold for another representative.
UD: Wow?

So that's nice. I didn't have to throw a hissyfit, or ask for a manager, or call down biblical plagues on the CSR's head, or threaten to commit suicide while on the phone (which oh my god can you imagine hearing someone kill themselves on the phone? That would totally suck.). They don't always play ball, and sometimes they are just petty and powertrippy, taking their bad days out on you, but CSRs may have a little list of "magic phrases" that if a customer speaks aloud, you must hand them the keys to the kingdom. In this case it may have been "loyal customer," but that might not work for everyone, because I actually have been a loyal customer of CORP for going on six years, muhfuckah. It's really because I am a "lazy customer," but they don't have to know that.

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MY IMAGINARY GIRLFRIENDS

Chan Marshall
Rotem of the IDF
Eleanor Friedberger
Amy Goodman
Bernardine Dohrn ('69)
Maya Rudolph
Joanna Newsom
Imogen Heap
Caroline Dhavernas

Shana Rae Ray

DISALLOWED FOREVER

"I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!"
-
"from whence"
-
"...the exception that proves the rule"
-
any use of the question "spit or swallow?"
-
the phrase "drop trou"
-
fake-o reviewer verbs:
"penned" for wrote
"helmed" for directed
"lensed" for whatever
-
"expat"
-
the euphemism
"passed away"
-
pronouncing merci beaucoup as "mercy buckets!"
(see also: "grassy-ass!")



PET PEEVES

"confinscated"
-
trying children "as adults"
-
"drownded"
-
misuse of reflexive pronouns, as when someone says "Please talk to Bob or myself." Come on people now. "Myself" is not just a fancy version of "me"! LEARN IT.
-
tattoos in the Courier font
-
any use of Comic Sans