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and here's something weird: my place in Humor 3-space
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
I had two goals for this evening:
1) cut my hair, and
2) write a post -- for this blog.
Two goals is not a lot to ask of my A.D.D. A.S.S., but the procrastination-distraction part of my brain is run by an evil genius (think Lex Luthor) who welcomes any challenge with bass-chuckling, finger-steepling glee. To be honest, Lex was hard at work before I even framed my goals for the evening, because the goddamn haircut was itself a distraction -- a totally justifiable and very time-consuming distraction -- from the only goal that really mattered to me: this post. Here is a list of the things I did that were neither hair-cutting nor post-writing. The weirdest part of tonight's menu of diversion is many of the items were multitasked; I'm so efficient at not doing what I set out to do that I can now get twice as many non-essential tasks accomplished! If only I could teach myself to construe my main to-do list items as non-essential, maybe I could trick myself into getting them done first. Lex is way too evilly genius to be fooled by such a clumsy ruse.
Played God of War on the PS2 until I got to a part where I had to flip a switch that I knew would open an important door, but would also release like ten hammer-weilding giants on my ass, and I sat there in mute, frowny, but mild displeasure. Getting stymied by a procrastination is irritating.
Meanwhile, I fought the instinct to write a review of God of War for the Review blog, which would have used up today's allotment of Blog Mojo (Heh heh: BM for short. Or even better: BloMo. Heh! "I blew my BloMo on the God of War!")
Watched a Scrubs ep with my roommate that I'd already seen -- yesterday, in fact. Laughed even harder this time.
Watched the opening sketch from this week's SNL, which featured an oval office broadcast from President Al Gore, played by the man himself. Almost cried (with sadness and anger, not humor. It was funny, but oh man, it made me want to start the revolution.)
Played Pass the Pigs and Cosmic Wimpout with the same roommate. She won the former, lost the latter.
Called TimeWarner Cable customer Service to straighten out this serious molassesy service problem. For weeks the service has been totally jacked, and nothing we did fixed the problem. The lady who answered the call was really mean and cold and was clearly taking out a bad day on me -- unprofessional, but I can imagine how hard customer service can be on one's patience, so I forgive you, mean lady. BUT! The tech support guy she transferred me to was without a doubt the coolest TWC employee on the continent (he was in Ontario). After he fixed my service problem with the tech support equivalent of a flick of his wrist, Ned and I talked about regional differences in North American accent and vocabulary, which prompted him to give me a link to this page [Results from a dialect survey], which prompted me to give him the link to the soda/pop/coke chart, which at the same time allowed me to introduce him to tinyurl.com, which is a revelation the first time you see it. Recognizing a kindred spirit, he then gave me the following list of links: toothpaste for dinner, a minicomic site; Preshrunk, which is about t-shirts, I think; bash.org, an archive of humorous interactions from the chat function of MMOGs; Penny Arcade, which I haven't looked at yet; bodytag.org, specifically the java applet plagues12, which is apparently some kind of locust emulator. Thanks again, Ned!
Meanwhile, I made cookie dough with the intention of eating it raw. It is in the freezer now, chillin'.
Talked to Confusing Wizard about education.
Meanwhile, I made an ate a bowl of Ramen.
At this point I actually cut my hair, the distraction on the to-do list. It took almost two hours.
Did the dishes from two previous distractions.
Perhaps most retardedly, went out at 1:45am to satisfy a left-field pickle jones before finishing the first paragraph of this post. See, Saturday night, walking home at 3am from ghastly mess's house (after a late night of games: Cities and Knights of Catan, Liar's Dice, and Casino) I passed a neighborhood 24-hr health-food-specializing deli/grocery and they had pickles that were fucking great. I ate like eight pickles that night, and I've been craving them ever since. I don't know where they get them, but the half sour are as good as the full sour. Mmm. Oh yeah, so tonight I went out to get some more.
Meanwhile, I called one sleeping New Yorker and two Californians. None of them picked up the phone.
Ate pickles.
Finally, I finished this post. It's fucking late. I wish I could sleep. I think I can refill my Ambien scrip tomorrow. Good night, my children. posted byUniversal Donor 12:56 AM
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DISALLOWED FOREVER
"I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!"
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"from whence"
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"...the exception that proves the rule"
- any use of the question "spit or swallow?"
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the phrase "drop trou"
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fake-o reviewer verbs:
"penned" for wrote "helmed" for directed "lensed" for whatever
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"expat"
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the euphemism "passed away"
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pronouncing merci beaucoup as "mercy buckets!" (see also: "grassy-ass!")
PET PEEVES
"confinscated"
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trying children "as adults"
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"drownded"
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misuse of reflexive pronouns, as when someone says "Please talk to Bob or myself." Come on people now. "Myself" is not just a fancy version of "me"! LEARN IT.
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tattoos in the Courier font
- any use of Comic Sans
feed it up!
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