Universal Donor
We can ill afford
another Klendathu

---

feed it up! | UD email

- Archives - 04/01/2002 - 05/01/2002 05/01/2002 - 06/01/2002 06/01/2002 - 07/01/2002 07/01/2002 - 08/01/2002 08/01/2002 - 09/01/2002 09/01/2002 - 10/01/2002 10/01/2002 - 11/01/2002 11/01/2002 - 12/01/2002 12/01/2002 - 01/01/2003 01/01/2003 - 02/01/2003 02/01/2003 - 03/01/2003 03/01/2003 - 04/01/2003 04/01/2003 - 05/01/2003 05/01/2003 - 06/01/2003 06/01/2003 - 07/01/2003 07/01/2003 - 08/01/2003 08/01/2003 - 09/01/2003 09/01/2003 - 10/01/2003 10/01/2003 - 11/01/2003 11/01/2003 - 12/01/2003 12/01/2003 - 01/01/2004 01/01/2004 - 02/01/2004 02/01/2004 - 03/01/2004 03/01/2004 - 04/01/2004 04/01/2004 - 05/01/2004 05/01/2004 - 06/01/2004 06/01/2004 - 07/01/2004 07/01/2004 - 08/01/2004 08/01/2004 - 09/01/2004 09/01/2004 - 10/01/2004 10/01/2004 - 11/01/2004 11/01/2004 - 12/01/2004 12/01/2004 - 01/01/2005 01/01/2005 - 02/01/2005 02/01/2005 - 03/01/2005 03/01/2005 - 04/01/2005 04/01/2005 - 05/01/2005 05/01/2005 - 06/01/2005 06/01/2005 - 07/01/2005 07/01/2005 - 08/01/2005 08/01/2005 - 09/01/2005 09/01/2005 - 10/01/2005 10/01/2005 - 11/01/2005 11/01/2005 - 12/01/2005 12/01/2005 - 01/01/2006 01/01/2006 - 02/01/2006 02/01/2006 - 03/01/2006 03/01/2006 - 04/01/2006 04/01/2006 - 05/01/2006 05/01/2006 - 06/01/2006 06/01/2006 - 07/01/2006 07/01/2006 - 08/01/2006 08/01/2006 - 09/01/2006 09/01/2006 - 10/01/2006 10/01/2006 - 11/01/2006 11/01/2006 - 12/01/2006 12/01/2006 - 01/01/2007 01/01/2007 - 02/01/2007 02/01/2007 - 03/01/2007 03/01/2007 - 04/01/2007 04/01/2007 - 05/01/2007 05/01/2007 - 06/01/2007 06/01/2007 - 07/01/2007 07/01/2007 - 08/01/2007 08/01/2007 - 09/01/2007 09/01/2007 - 10/01/2007 10/01/2007 - 11/01/2007 11/01/2007 - 12/01/2007 12/01/2007 - 01/01/2008 01/01/2008 - 02/01/2008 02/01/2008 - 03/01/2008 03/01/2008 - 04/01/2008 04/01/2008 - 05/01/2008 05/01/2008 - 06/01/2008 06/01/2008 - 07/01/2008 07/01/2008 - 08/01/2008 08/01/2008 - 09/01/2008 09/01/2008 - 10/01/2008 10/01/2008 - 11/01/2008 11/01/2008 - 12/01/2008 12/01/2008 - 01/01/2009 01/01/2009 - 02/01/2009 03/01/2009 - 04/01/2009 07/01/2009 - 08/01/2009 08/01/2009 - 09/01/2009 04/01/2010 - 05/01/2010 09/01/2010 - 10/01/2010

---

You are just a number
to me! And that number
is:

---

PAGES UD MADE:

---

My Books Page

---

My Reviews Page

---

My Reference Page

---

My Music Page

---

My Pictures

---

My Store

---

UD-RELATED PAGES:

---

My LiveJournal

---

My MySpace music page

---

My Flickr page

---

My del.icio.us page

---

My Last.fm page

---

My Amazon Wishlist

---

HEAVY ROTATION

---

Dan Deacon:
Bromst
Animal Collective:
Merriweather Post Pavillion
Bon Iver:
For Emma, Forever Ago
Vampire Weekend:
Vampire Weekend
Fleet Foxes:
Fleet Foxes

---

BLOGS ETC

---

claude le monde
nuncstans
rock 'em stock 'em
tomato nation
postmodern drunkard
tuckova 22
ghastly mess
constintina
total virility
fuzzysquid
drunken bee
stacey nightmare
elyse from ANTM
stereolabrat
dark side points
jf_franklin
123 i love you READ NOW
brotherhood 2.0

NOT BLOGS ETC

---

qwantz (dinosaur comix)
go fug yourself
the burg
cat and girl
book of ratings
married to the sea
icanhascheezburger
fire joe morgan
fivethirtyeight.com
READ NOW
hospitality on parade

WEIRD LOVE

---

dead amusement pks
craters!

---

all content
© 2002-2010
Jeremy Broomfield

---

Hosted by:
HostRocket.Com

Comments by:
YACCS

  SITE STATS



PRAISE & REVIEWS

---

"[UD] is a genius."
--Christian Oates

"[Claudia] is fucking awesome, and [UD] is a genius. And vice versa. You should all buy Fear Not."
--Tricia Howey



MOTTO

---

egeo huic vigorum

MY WRESTLING NAME

---

Titan Gently

MY PUNK NAME

---

Razor Ection







WHO LINKS TO UD?

---

• from Technorati
• from Google
• from Yahoo



and here's something
weird: my place
in Humor 3-space

  Know this, ye bloggers and livejournalers¹ and movable-typists and diarylanders: your words are public. Some useful tips if you're new at the game:

• Don't write anything that reveals how small-minded, ignorant or bigoted you are -- it will come back and bite you on the ass if you ever pursue a career in politics. You have two options for your racist diatribes:
  • Write stuff like that in a special pink diary with a heart-shaped golden clasp that you can lock with a special key (also heart-shaped) that goes on a delicate chain around your neck. Keep the diary itself under your pillow. Once a week, try spritzing it with your favorite perfume to keep it smelling fresh!
  • Create a special other web page under a pseudonym. If you can't think of a good pseudonym for your alter ego, consult the chart in the footnote below.²
• Don't post anything about someone that you wouldn't feel comfortable saying to his or her face. Even if it seems totally improbable that your subject would ever read your pathetic website, it happens all the time. Go ahead: say something in passing about an acquaintance, just a little joke, just an end-of the paragraph segue. If it's possible that it can get blown wayfuck out of proportion or totally misinterpreted, I guarantee that someone will read it, forward it to the subject of your quip, in an email with a subject line that says, like, "Um... I think you should read this...." Oh, and it's even possible that the emailing samaritan might not actually know the acquaintance at all. She's just going out of her way to serve the cause of bloggy justice. OR WHATEVER. Then guess who's paying for drinks the next ten times at the bar? That's right.

That said, I'm going to complain in a public forum about my landlord.
     My landlord is not a big management company, a faceless corporation, or a government entity. He's just a regular guy from the neighborhood, who, after he retired, bought some property and started living the American Dream (at least, the version described in Monopoly). As far as I can tell, he owns two properties: the two-apartment building in which I live and the building in which he lives. Right across the street from me.
     Oh did I mention that before he retired, he was a cop? A detective, apparently, though none of my roommates seem to know what division he worked, you know -- Homicide? Vice? Internal Affairs? Anyway, this datum would not in itself have bothered me overmuch. In theory, I think detectives are cool.
     It turns out that in practice they can be creepy. When he wants to talk to any of us, he doesn't call us on the phone. Instead, he usually materializes from behind a van or something in front of the house just as we're leaving or approaching the building. It's unnerving as hell. My theory is that he prefers to talk to people in person -- so he can tell if they're lying.
     It's obviously hard for Detective Landlord to turn off his powers of observation and deduction. As a result, I keep the blinds in my room closed at almost all times. This may seem a little paranoid -- surely he's got better things to do than gaze out his window at his tenants, right? You might think so, but listen to this little tale:
     It was wicked hot for the last couple of days, so I finally dragged my sorry, ragged little air conditioning unit out from under the table in the corner of my room and stuck it in the window. Sweet motherfucking relief. But my roommate Jewelly took one look at the unit and said "Detective Landlord isn't gonna like that. He has those air-conditioner sleeves installed in the walls and I bet he won't like you using a window unit instead."
     I said "but I can't put mine in the sleeve because it vents to the side instead of the back, and I can't afford a special $700 AC unit just bec--"
     "It doesn't matter. I'm just saying that he's gonna bother me about it. You'll see. I can almost guarantee that as I leave the house to go to work tomorrow, he'll appear and talk to me about it."
     "Nah," I said, "that would be crazy. If he has a problem he'll call me. If he even notices the AC."
     "Oh he noticed all right. Just wait. You'll see," she said.
     At 9am this morning she called my cell. "UD. I told you. I told you. He saw the AC and he wants you to move it. He wants you to call him. I told you he'd stop me. God." I could hear her shudder. "Think about what this means, the fact that he was able to catch me leaving the house. I left at like 7:30, which is earlier than usual. He was RIGHT THERE."
     "Damn," I said."That means he must have been... like... waiting? Awake? Staring out the window?"
     "Standing in the vestibule, maybe?"
     "Or watching your window for the first sign of light from within? Oh my god."
     "Maybe he waited up all night just to be sure he wouldn't miss me. He was on a civilian stakeout. This is scary. My window is in the back; he couldn't have been waiting for lights."
     "I fucking hope he doesn't have cameras... oh god."
     "Waaaaah!"
     "Waaaaaah!"

....aaaaand Scene! Thanks very much. Help.

--------

¹ I actually prefer the term "livejournlings" for LJ users -- it feels like a combination of yearnings (such as the desires for attention and for a community of people who understand you) and yearlings (which here serves as a synonym for juveniles). Journlings. Heh. Never give the naïve a pen. Always give the naïve a pen!

² BIGOTED PSEUDONYM GENERATOR -- Take a first name from column A and a last name from column B:

A Tools	B Presidents
Hammer Spanner Crowbar Maul	McKinley Hayes Nixon Quincy Adams

posted by Universal Donor 11:11 PM 0 comments

OTHER REVIEWS:
Scrabble NEW!

LATEST BOOK REVIEWS:
The Game
Moneyball
One-Upsmanship
Siddhartha

---

You need the
Fear Not Guide to Life.
Buy it already. ($4)

Now available!
The Broomfield Variations CD
($10)

or go to The UD Store

---

---

MY IMAGINARY GIRLFRIENDS

---

Chan Marshall
Rotem of the IDF
Eleanor Friedberger
Amy Goodman
Bernardine Dohrn ('69)
Maya Rudolph
Joanna Newsom
Imogen Heap
Caroline Dhavernas

---

Shana Rae Ray

DISALLOWED FOREVER

---

"I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!"
-
"from whence"
-
"...the exception that proves the rule"
-
any use of the question "spit or swallow?"
-
the phrase "drop trou"
-
fake-o reviewer verbs:
"penned" for wrote
"helmed" for directed
"lensed" for whatever
-
"expat"
-
the euphemism
"passed away"
-
pronouncing merci beaucoup as "mercy buckets!"
(see also: "grassy-ass!")

---

PET PEEVES

---

"confinscated"
-
trying children "as adults"
-
"drownded"
-
misuse of reflexive pronouns, as when someone says "Please talk to Bob or myself." Come on people now. "Myself" is not just a fancy version of "me"! LEARN IT.
-
tattoos in the Courier font
-
any use of Comic Sans

---