Universal Donor
We can ill afford
another Klendathu

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You are just a number
to me! And that number
is:

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PAGES UD MADE:

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My Books Page

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My Reviews Page

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My Reference Page

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My Music Page

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My Pictures

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My Store

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UD-RELATED PAGES:

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My LiveJournal

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My MySpace music page

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My Flickr page

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My del.icio.us page

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My Last.fm page

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My Amazon Wishlist

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HEAVY ROTATION

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Dan Deacon:
Bromst
Animal Collective:
Merriweather Post Pavillion
Bon Iver:
For Emma, Forever Ago
Vampire Weekend:
Vampire Weekend
Fleet Foxes:
Fleet Foxes

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BLOGS ETC

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claude le monde
nuncstans
rock 'em stock 'em
tomato nation
postmodern drunkard
tuckova 22
ghastly mess
constintina
total virility
fuzzysquid
drunken bee
stacey nightmare
elyse from ANTM
stereolabrat
dark side points
jf_franklin
123 i love you READ NOW
brotherhood 2.0

NOT BLOGS ETC

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qwantz (dinosaur comix)
go fug yourself
the burg
cat and girl
book of ratings
married to the sea
icanhascheezburger
fire joe morgan
fivethirtyeight.com
READ NOW
hospitality on parade

WEIRD LOVE

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dead amusement pks
craters!

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all content
© 2002-2010
Jeremy Broomfield

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PRAISE & REVIEWS

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"[UD] is a genius."
--Christian Oates

"[Claudia] is fucking awesome, and [UD] is a genius. And vice versa. You should all buy Fear Not."
--Tricia Howey



MOTTO

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egeo huic vigorum

MY WRESTLING NAME

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Titan Gently

MY PUNK NAME

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Razor Ection







WHO LINKS TO UD?

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• from Technorati
• from Google
• from Yahoo



and here's something
weird: my place
in Humor 3-space

  I stopped taking my Ritalin, and I'm afraid that you, notional readers, will suffer the most for it. I can barely have two consecutive thoughts that relate to each other, so writing two sentences on the same subject is like forget about it. One solution would seem to be the construction of huge sentences, but my brain is not fooled by such amateur ployage, you smartass punk. So I'm back to unconnected grab-baggy accretions of thought vomit. Like today's post!
     It's even worse at work, where I seem incapable of completing a task that takes longer than... is a femtosecond longer or shorter than a nanosecond? I could never use the word "nanosecond" in a punchline, but using a substitute prefix like "femto-" instead practically screams "I WAS GONNA SAY NANOSECOND BUT DIDN'T BECAUSE IT'S OVERUSED BY UNFUNNY PEOPLE AND ALL I COULD COME UP WITH WAS FUCKING FEMTO, BITCHES. EAT HOTT COXX."
     The only way I can write this post is if I make distraction-derailing rules like "no masturbating until you finish."

J.Ro sent me a link to a MySpace page advertising a retarded event called the Central Park Makeout, which is an event where a bunch of people are supposedly going to meet in the Sheep Meadow and kiss each other like a bunch of fucking high schoolers. Can you imagine the scene? Can you imagine the stench of wine coolers and flopsweat? Can you imagine all the people cruising by the Sheep Meadow all innocently like "oh, now what's this event here, a kissing party you say? How droll! Why not give it a whirl, eh chaps?" as if they weren't there to scope out potential mackees in the first fucking place? Such people will be easy to spot, because they will smell like MySpace (which, no surprise, smells just like sweaty taint). This event is so awful that I could talk about it for hours, like an episode of Survivor: All-Stars. But I won't, because it will just seem like I really want to go. Trust me, I don't. I've already got Herpes times a billion, thanks, because for years my social circle enacted the functional equivalent of a Central Park Makeout every weekend.
     In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if this event was actually created by Herpes itself, or Hep C, somehow acting through a human agent. I like this idea. I told J.Ro that I would only go if I could wear sweatpants, a corporate giveaway t-shirt, and a bright green Legal Observer hat. She wasn't familiar with this last accessory, so I showed her and she went blind. Then we had these IM exchanges:
UD: Google the phrase "sexy legal observer"
J.Ro: I got nothing.
UD: ...
J.Ro: Is that your point?
UD: WAH HA HA
     -----
J.Ro: I am making awesome iron ons right now
UD: I bet. But nothing could be as awesome as a legal-observer-green jumpsuit
J.Ro: if you ironed these onto it, it might vault into the over-awesome, and become invisible.

I love this image that I swiped from the FAA website, because the control tower and the two planes talk like they're in a Winsor McKay comic from like 1912.
posted by Universal Donor 2:23 PM 0 comments

OTHER REVIEWS:
Scrabble NEW!

LATEST BOOK REVIEWS:
The Game
Moneyball
One-Upsmanship
Siddhartha

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You need the
Fear Not Guide to Life.
Buy it already. ($4)

Now available!
The Broomfield Variations CD
($10)

or go to The UD Store

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MY IMAGINARY GIRLFRIENDS

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Chan Marshall
Rotem of the IDF
Eleanor Friedberger
Amy Goodman
Bernardine Dohrn ('69)
Maya Rudolph
Joanna Newsom
Imogen Heap
Caroline Dhavernas

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Shana Rae Ray

DISALLOWED FOREVER

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"I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!"
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"from whence"
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"...the exception that proves the rule"
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any use of the question "spit or swallow?"
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the phrase "drop trou"
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fake-o reviewer verbs:
"penned" for wrote
"helmed" for directed
"lensed" for whatever
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"expat"
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the euphemism
"passed away"
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pronouncing merci beaucoup as "mercy buckets!"
(see also: "grassy-ass!")

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PET PEEVES

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"confinscated"
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trying children "as adults"
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"drownded"
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misuse of reflexive pronouns, as when someone says "Please talk to Bob or myself." Come on people now. "Myself" is not just a fancy version of "me"! LEARN IT.
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tattoos in the Courier font
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any use of Comic Sans

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