Universal Donor
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You are just a number
to me! And that number
is:

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PAGES UD MADE:

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My Books Page

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My Reviews Page

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My Reference Page

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My Music Page

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My Pictures

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My Store

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UD-RELATED PAGES:

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My LiveJournal

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My MySpace music page

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My Flickr page

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My del.icio.us page

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My Last.fm page

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My Amazon Wishlist

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HEAVY ROTATION

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Dan Deacon:
Bromst
Animal Collective:
Merriweather Post Pavillion
Bon Iver:
For Emma, Forever Ago
Vampire Weekend:
Vampire Weekend
Fleet Foxes:
Fleet Foxes

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BLOGS ETC

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claude le monde
nuncstans
rock 'em stock 'em
tomato nation
postmodern drunkard
tuckova 22
ghastly mess
constintina
total virility
fuzzysquid
drunken bee
stacey nightmare
elyse from ANTM
stereolabrat
dark side points
jf_franklin
123 i love you READ NOW
brotherhood 2.0

NOT BLOGS ETC

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qwantz (dinosaur comix)
go fug yourself
the burg
cat and girl
book of ratings
married to the sea
icanhascheezburger
fire joe morgan
fivethirtyeight.com
READ NOW
hospitality on parade

WEIRD LOVE

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dead amusement pks
craters!

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all content
© 2002-2010
Jeremy Broomfield

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PRAISE & REVIEWS

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"[UD] is a genius."
--Christian Oates

"[Claudia] is fucking awesome, and [UD] is a genius. And vice versa. You should all buy Fear Not."
--Tricia Howey



MOTTO

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egeo huic vigorum

MY WRESTLING NAME

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Titan Gently

MY PUNK NAME

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Razor Ection







WHO LINKS TO UD?

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• from Technorati
• from Google
• from Yahoo



and here's something
weird: my place
in Humor 3-space

  My grandmother used to enjoy making this tired quip about Boston's capricious climate:

If you don't like the weather in New England, wait a minute!

I would adapt this for St Thomas in several ways:

If you don't like the weather in St. Thomas... you should leave, because it's always the same.

or

If you don't like the speed at which you receive service in a restaurant in St. Thomas... wait an hour!

After a week in STT, my skin is rich and buttery, like shortbread. STT is warm and moist, and the slight wintry angling of the Earth away from the sun means that you don't get an immediate sunburn just from having your skin exposed for a few minutes, unlike in September, when everything is constantly on fire. My elbows are usually the primary North American storage site for NATO's Strategic Dead Skin Cell Reserves, but after ten tropical days they feel like, well, normal skin. WEIRD.
     I monitored the progress of hermit crabs through the jungle that surrounded the idyllic cabin I stayed in. Hermit crabs were climbing uphill, away from the ocean, over steep and rocky terrain. What the fuck are they doing that for? Hermit crabs live in discarded shells, and in order to grow larger they have to find bigger shells, which you would think they'd be more likely to find in the fucking water. But according to the Wikipedia (which if I had to give up either ice cream or the Wikipedia, I would say goodbye to ice cream in a heartbeat):

Fierce shell fights can occur if the shell supply is not adequate. The loser often dies since many hermit crabs will not release their grip on their shell until they are torn apart. The loss of limbs in shell fights is common, but may not result in death especially since the hermit crab can choose to drop (autotomize) a limb to disengage from the conflict.

I heard one of those fights. It sounded like two blackboards fucking.

Nerds wish they could autotomize their underpants when jocks give them wedgies.

One reason I like being in STT is because it gives me an opportunity to float face down (aided by a snorkel) in a clear blue ocean, which is my favorite way to float. (On my back I'm always getting water in my mouth, and evertime I exhale I sink into the abyss.) Snorkeling is an extremely meditative activity, if you're into that kind of thing, because it's really hard to stay stressed out about your job, relationship, bills, or whatever, while buoyed in a warm liquid medium and staring at, for example, thirty sea urchins as big as bowling balls.
BONUS: A Joke Workshopping Clinic with Rock'emStock'em
(Highlight the hidden text to see the answers)

Version 1 (typical fare):
     Q: What has a hundred balls and fucks old ladies?
     A: The lottery.

Version 2 (better...):
     Q: What has two hundred balls and fucks old ladies?
     A: The Senate.

Version 3 (bingo!):
     Q: What has a hundred balls and rapes old ladies?
     A: The DaVinci Code.
posted by Universal Donor 11:06 AM 8 comments

OTHER REVIEWS:
Scrabble NEW!

LATEST BOOK REVIEWS:
The Game
Moneyball
One-Upsmanship
Siddhartha

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You need the
Fear Not Guide to Life.
Buy it already. ($4)

Now available!
The Broomfield Variations CD
($10)

or go to The UD Store

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MY IMAGINARY GIRLFRIENDS

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Chan Marshall
Rotem of the IDF
Eleanor Friedberger
Amy Goodman
Bernardine Dohrn ('69)
Maya Rudolph
Joanna Newsom
Imogen Heap
Caroline Dhavernas

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Shana Rae Ray

DISALLOWED FOREVER

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"I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!"
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"from whence"
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"...the exception that proves the rule"
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any use of the question "spit or swallow?"
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the phrase "drop trou"
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fake-o reviewer verbs:
"penned" for wrote
"helmed" for directed
"lensed" for whatever
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"expat"
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the euphemism
"passed away"
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pronouncing merci beaucoup as "mercy buckets!"
(see also: "grassy-ass!")

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PET PEEVES

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"confinscated"
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trying children "as adults"
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"drownded"
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misuse of reflexive pronouns, as when someone says "Please talk to Bob or myself." Come on people now. "Myself" is not just a fancy version of "me"! LEARN IT.
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tattoos in the Courier font
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any use of Comic Sans

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