Universal Donor

UNIVERSAL DONOR: MA VIE EN CROUTE
Universal Donor We can ill afford another Klendathu feed it up! \| UD email You are just a number to me! And that number is: PAGES UD MADE: My Books Page My Reviews Page My Reference Page My Music Page My Pictures My Store UD-RELATED PAGES: My LiveJournal My MySpace music page My Flickr page My del.icio.us page My Last.fm page My Amazon Wishlist HEAVY ROTATION Dan Deacon: Bromst Animal Collective: Merriweather Post Pavillion Bon Iver: For Emma, Forever Ago Vampire Weekend: Vampire Weekend Fleet Foxes: Fleet Foxes BLOGS ETC claude le monde nuncstans rock 'em stock 'em tomato nation postmodern drunkard tuckova 22 ghastly mess constintina total virility fuzzysquid drunken bee stacey nightmare elyse from ANTM stereolabrat dark side points jf_franklin 123 i love you READ NOW brotherhood 2.0 NOT BLOGS ETC qwantz (dinosaur comix) go fug yourself the burg cat and girl book of ratings married to the sea icanhascheezburger fire joe morgan fivethirtyeight.com READ NOW hospitality on parade WEIRD LOVE dead amusement pks craters! all content © 2002-2010 Jeremy Broomfield Hosted by: HostRocket.Com Comments by: YACCS SITE STATS PRAISE & REVIEWS "[UD] is a genius." --Christian Oates "[Claudia] is fucking awesome, and [UD] is a genius. And vice versa. You should all buy Fear Not." --Tricia Howey MOTTO egeo huic vigorum MY WRESTLING NAME Titan Gently MY PUNK NAME Razor Ection WHO LINKS TO UD? • from Technorati • from Google • from Yahoo and here's something weird: my place in Humor 3-space	Monday, September 24, 2007 FASHION BLUNDERS OF 2007 Fashion is a really weird phenomenon to me, because it looks like a competition wherein women try to prove (to other women) their a) individuality (by dressing like everyone else), b) hottness (by wearing things that only other women think are flattering), and c) value (by showing how much money they can spend). Maybe because male attention is so easy to get, some women don't get enough validation from it, and are forced to find validation in self-defeating hierarchies of superficiality. I say it's self-defeating because in the end, superficiality will always lead to misery; even if you "win" in fashion, you lose. If you doubt this, ask Anna Wintour, the happiest woman in the world. Gah, you probably don't need me to tell you this. Hell, I don't even want to think about it anymore. I've been trying to write this paragraph for four days -- I must've deleted five judgmental drafty pages by now. If I go on I'll just sound grumpier. So: I admire hipster fashion in theory because like punk, it stems from a rejection of classic assumptions of attractiveness (like the notion that clothes should be clean, fit you, and not cause seizures in epileptics). But in practice I find it hard to keep my food down, sometimes. I will ignore the biblical plague of ass-flattening stretch jeans, because I am too baffled to even talk about them. But here are some other looks cluttering Brooklyn lately that make me want to hide indoors so I won't feel the agony that accompanies being so goddamn judgmental: Swampfoot™ When I see a girl wearing boots in the summer (especially Uggs, or cowboy boots without apparent socks), I can't think anything but "wow, your feet must be a swampy, stanky mess right now." Calf-hugging boots in the winter: sexy. Thigh-high go-go boots in winter: acceptable, though perhaps trying a little hard. Combat boots (with (cotton) socks): always awesome. But you, Swampfoot, look like you can't take care of yourself. I want to treat you to a spa pedicure, during which I will take your boots and hide them until November. Hipster Greg Allman I can't find a good image for this abhorrent look, so send a link if you know of one, but I think the name says it all. Imagine Cisco Adler, except dirtier, with skintight pants, no trucker hat, and wearing Mischa's sunglasses. You might be asking "if you were griping above about women's fashion, why is there a dude here?" Simple: Hipster Greg Allman is almost always some hipster chick's accessory. Ten points if you spot one alone in the wild. Garbage Bag Dresses Oh, hi! You look like a bag of garbage. And you know how some of your friends tell you that empire waists are flattering, minimizing of big hips or an ample ass? Do not talk to those friends anymore, because they are trying to make you look bad so that they look better in comparison. The problems with garbage bag dresses: a) they actually don't minimize anything, b) they call attention to the fact that you think your parts need minimizing, and c) you look like you're wearing a Hefty Cinch Sak. Kicky Little Fedoras You are wearing a fedora. Read that sentence again. Fedora. Fedora. Fedora. If you have to ask what's wrong with that, YOU WILL NEVER KNOW.* Big Stupid Sunglasses All right, ladies. I am sorry to tell you this, but: your treasured giant sunglasses make you look cheap, stupid, like a piece of meat. The other day my pal T told me over the phone that she felt like dudes were being particularly gross: "I'm not wearing slutty clothes or anything unusual today, but men are ogling me like crazy. It's nasty." I asked if she was wearing big dark sunglasses, and she awarded me a prize for awesomeness, saying "how the fuck did you know that?" Simple: when you shield your eyes from other people, they cannot engage in a visual communication with you. Once their brain has ruled you out as a peer, a human being, they will look at your body. The quickest path to feeling like an object is to disqualify yourself as a subject. Does that make sense? I feel like this is going to need clarification.** * Okay: I know one person who manages to rock a little pinstriped fedora without looking like an abominable tardbag, but she's so adorable that you could wrap her in a tinfoil sweatsuit and you'd still go "awww...." ** I expect comments about "not wanting to engage with gross dudes" or "feeling safe in sunglasses" or whatever. I'm not saying that you should be making soulful eye contact with every dude on the street. Just that your shades objectify you in a way you might not expect, as opposed to like scoop necks or whale tails, with which you expect and encourage the objectification. Take off the shades and you will feel better. Try it. Try it before you say I'm crazy. OH AND DON'T TALK TO ME ABOUT "SHADING YOUR EYES FROM THE SUN" EITHER. BULLSHIT! posted by Universal Donor 4:35 PM 0 comments HOME	OTHER REVIEWS: Scrabble NEW! LATEST BOOK REVIEWS: The Game Moneyball One-Upsmanship Siddhartha You need the Fear Not Guide to Life. Buy it already. ($4) Now available! The Broomfield Variations CD ($10) or go to The UD Store MY IMAGINARY GIRLFRIENDS Chan Marshall Rotem of the IDF Eleanor Friedberger Amy Goodman Bernardine Dohrn ('69) Maya Rudolph Joanna Newsom Imogen Heap Caroline Dhavernas Shana Rae Ray DISALLOWED FOREVER "I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!" - "from whence" - "...the exception that proves the rule" - any use of the question "spit or swallow?" - the phrase "drop trou" - fake-o reviewer verbs: "penned" for wrote "helmed" for directed "lensed" for whatever - "expat" - the euphemism "passed away" - pronouncing merci beaucoup as "mercy buckets!" (see also: "grassy-ass!") PET PEEVES "confinscated" - trying children "as adults" - "drownded" - misuse of reflexive pronouns, as when someone says "Please talk to Bob or myself." Come on people now. "Myself" is not just a fancy version of "me"! LEARN IT. - tattoos in the Courier font - any use of Comic Sans