Universal Donor
We can ill afford
another Klendathu

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You are just a number
to me! And that number
is:

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PAGES UD MADE:

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My Books Page

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My Reviews Page

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My Reference Page

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My Music Page

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My Pictures

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My Store

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UD-RELATED PAGES:

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My LiveJournal

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My MySpace music page

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My Flickr page

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My del.icio.us page

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My Last.fm page

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My Amazon Wishlist

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HEAVY ROTATION

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Dan Deacon:
Bromst
Animal Collective:
Merriweather Post Pavillion
Bon Iver:
For Emma, Forever Ago
Vampire Weekend:
Vampire Weekend
Fleet Foxes:
Fleet Foxes

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BLOGS ETC

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claude le monde
nuncstans
rock 'em stock 'em
tomato nation
postmodern drunkard
tuckova 22
ghastly mess
constintina
total virility
fuzzysquid
drunken bee
stacey nightmare
elyse from ANTM
stereolabrat
dark side points
jf_franklin
123 i love you READ NOW
brotherhood 2.0

NOT BLOGS ETC

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qwantz (dinosaur comix)
go fug yourself
the burg
cat and girl
book of ratings
married to the sea
icanhascheezburger
fire joe morgan
fivethirtyeight.com
READ NOW
hospitality on parade

WEIRD LOVE

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dead amusement pks
craters!

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all content
© 2002-2010
Jeremy Broomfield

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PRAISE & REVIEWS

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"[UD] is a genius."
--Christian Oates

"[Claudia] is fucking awesome, and [UD] is a genius. And vice versa. You should all buy Fear Not."
--Tricia Howey



MOTTO

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egeo huic vigorum

MY WRESTLING NAME

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Titan Gently

MY PUNK NAME

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Razor Ection







WHO LINKS TO UD?

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• from Technorati
• from Google
• from Yahoo



and here's something
weird: my place
in Humor 3-space

  VARIOUS METALS THAT DOCTORS MADE ME INGEST IN THE LAST MONTH
• Iron Sulfate
• Magnesium citrate
• Barium sulfate
• Sodium chloride
• Sodium bicarbonate
• Potassium chloride
You can't make me bionic by making me eat metals -- you're a doctor and you should know that. I don't care if you call them "salts" or "electrolytes" or whatever. I know what you're up to. QUIT IT.

I HAVE STUPID DREAMS
Five of these are real dreams I had in the last two weeks. Find the fake one.

1. I dreamed that I made a minor edit to a wikipedia page but rebelliously refused to leave an explanation in the "edit summary" field.
   
2. I dreamed that I created an online survey to ask my friends to describe any recent gastrointestinal issues they might have had.
   
3. I dreamed I was about to have sex with an improbably hot woman but stopped because I did not have a condom, saying "oh well."
   
4. I dreamed I found a very rare book about an animal so unusual that it is the sole member of its own phylum.
   
5. I dreamed I forgot to lock the door on the way out of my house and I felt bad because I know my roommate hates that.
   
6. I dreamed I had a nice warm bowl of pudding.

I CALL BULLSHIT ON "STAYING TOGETHER FOR THE SAKE OF THE CHILDREN"
Unhappy parents who postpone divorce "for the sake of the children" are fearful and selfish. Terrible damage is done to children by being raised by loveless, joyless parents. I am not suggesting that divorce is a once-way ticket to bliss -- just that an unhappy marriage is a bleeding wound, and divorce/separation is often the band-aid that lets healing begin. LET HEALING BEGIN PEOPLE.
     I also hate the idea, implicit in the "stay together" philosophy, that children are too daft to apprehend the misery of their parents just because they can't relate in the most literal sense.
     Here's a nice post from a group blog that illustrates my point in such a poignant way that my alter ego left an uncharacteristically breathless comment in response.

AND CARL EVERETT STILL DOESN'T BELIEVE IN DINOSAURS, EITHER
Televised, high-paid ignorance does not surprise me, even in the extreme form in this clip you might've seen from The View. But I can see that it kind of infuriates Whoopi, Joy, and even Barbara that they are forced to sit at a table with such stampeding, unrepentant stupidity. It seems clear that idiocy is tolerated from certain personalties simply because they look nice on TV and are more well-spoken or friendly than your more mainstream yokels. We reflexively give attractive people the benefit of the doubt, and we hesitate to criticize those who seem genuinely nice. But yokels is yokels, folks, whether pretty, educated, or just fucking bonkers. (Sorry for all the links.)

EVIL THINGS YOU SHOULD NOT DO
     1. Walk up to a pair of beautiful, high-maintenance women in a fancy NY nightspot and ask the slightly less attractive of the two: "is it hard for your friendship that you're hotter than your friend here?" Watch their faces as they close ranks against you, offended at the suggestion that there is any hottmess differential between them. But then watch the actual hotter one bristle a bit at your misjudgment. Watch the less hot one notice or ignore that. Back away slowly.
     2. Put puppies in a bag and hit it with a mallet until it stops barking/moving.
     3. Throw an empty condom wrapper (of an odd brand) behind the dresser or under the bed of a happily married couple. It may take weeks or years to be discovered, but when it is... show them this post before they get divorced (for the sake of the children) so they will believe it was you. (Also, actual cheaters who get caught can point to this post as the probable source for the condom wrapper you failed to clean up after your real tryst. You're welcome.)
posted by Universal Donor 4:11 PM 0 comments

OTHER REVIEWS:
Scrabble NEW!

LATEST BOOK REVIEWS:
The Game
Moneyball
One-Upsmanship
Siddhartha

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You need the
Fear Not Guide to Life.
Buy it already. ($4)

Now available!
The Broomfield Variations CD
($10)

or go to The UD Store

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MY IMAGINARY GIRLFRIENDS

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Chan Marshall
Rotem of the IDF
Eleanor Friedberger
Amy Goodman
Bernardine Dohrn ('69)
Maya Rudolph
Joanna Newsom
Imogen Heap
Caroline Dhavernas

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Shana Rae Ray

DISALLOWED FOREVER

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"I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!"
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"from whence"
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"...the exception that proves the rule"
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any use of the question "spit or swallow?"
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the phrase "drop trou"
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fake-o reviewer verbs:
"penned" for wrote
"helmed" for directed
"lensed" for whatever
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"expat"
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the euphemism
"passed away"
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pronouncing merci beaucoup as "mercy buckets!"
(see also: "grassy-ass!")

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PET PEEVES

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"confinscated"
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trying children "as adults"
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"drownded"
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misuse of reflexive pronouns, as when someone says "Please talk to Bob or myself." Come on people now. "Myself" is not just a fancy version of "me"! LEARN IT.
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tattoos in the Courier font
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any use of Comic Sans

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