Universal Donor
We can ill afford
another Klendathu

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You are just a number
to me! And that number
is:

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PAGES UD MADE:

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My Books Page

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My Reviews Page

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My Reference Page

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My Music Page

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My Pictures

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My Store

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UD-RELATED PAGES:

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My LiveJournal

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My MySpace music page

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My Flickr page

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My del.icio.us page

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My Last.fm page

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My Amazon Wishlist

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HEAVY ROTATION

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Dan Deacon:
Bromst
Animal Collective:
Merriweather Post Pavillion
Bon Iver:
For Emma, Forever Ago
Vampire Weekend:
Vampire Weekend
Fleet Foxes:
Fleet Foxes

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BLOGS ETC

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claude le monde
nuncstans
rock 'em stock 'em
tomato nation
postmodern drunkard
tuckova 22
ghastly mess
constintina
total virility
fuzzysquid
drunken bee
stacey nightmare
elyse from ANTM
stereolabrat
dark side points
jf_franklin
123 i love you READ NOW
brotherhood 2.0

NOT BLOGS ETC

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qwantz (dinosaur comix)
go fug yourself
the burg
cat and girl
book of ratings
married to the sea
icanhascheezburger
fire joe morgan
fivethirtyeight.com
READ NOW
hospitality on parade

WEIRD LOVE

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dead amusement pks
craters!

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all content
© 2002-2010
Jeremy Broomfield

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  SITE STATS



PRAISE & REVIEWS

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"[UD] is a genius."
--Christian Oates

"[Claudia] is fucking awesome, and [UD] is a genius. And vice versa. You should all buy Fear Not."
--Tricia Howey



MOTTO

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egeo huic vigorum

MY WRESTLING NAME

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Titan Gently

MY PUNK NAME

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Razor Ection







WHO LINKS TO UD?

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• from Technorati
• from Google
• from Yahoo



and here's something
weird: my place
in Humor 3-space

  WHY I LOVE MY NEW DENTIST
I've had bad luck finding a great dentist who still takes my bottom-shelf dental insurance. My old one wasn't great, but he didn't even tell me he had stopped taking my insurance until I got hit with big copays.
     Well clouds and linings, my friends, because my new dentist is hilarious. She is constantly joking around, but it's a little nervewracking because a) her "jokes" are very dark, b) she always says them while holding a sharp or high-RPM implement in her hand, and c) she's Russian.
     I thought my old dentist was unprofessional because he'd always complain about how expensive his equipment was. I had no idea how unprofessional a dentist could be. Feast your eyes on these pearls from my new dentist, culled from only three magical sessions, and remember to imagine all of these quotes in a THICK Russian accent:

1. "I am so tired today. I just don't want to work. I don't know why I came in."
   
2. After I said her new haircut, with bangs, looked nice: "Oh yes?" (pulls mask down) "Do I look younger? Am I stunningly gorgeous or what?"
   
3. "I've been reading a lot of self-help books."
   
4. "I think I hate being a dentist. Did you know dentists have the highest suicide rate of any profession?" Her hygienist then quipped back, also in Russian accent: "No, I think it is dental hygienists."
   
5. "I had a date last night, and it did not go well. I don't know what's wrong with me. My mother says... (words obscured by drilling)... so I will never be happy."
   
6. "I am sore today from surgery, so I will do the procedure standing up. Don't freak out just because you're so high up, okay?" I say something non-probing, like "Okay." She says: "Well I had to have something done in my abdomen, and while they were there, I thought: why not? So I had a little other work done." I ask if there's a lot of pain, still. She says: "YES. It is terrible. But I'm on narcotics, so it's not nearly as bad as it could be." (drill spins up)
   
   

COMMUNICATE MY WISHES IF I'M TOO LAZY TO MAKE A WILL
RockemStockem: also, I don't want to be buried
RockemStockem: cremate all the way
Universal Donor: yeah, obviously
Universal Donor: me too
Universal Donor: i don't want to rise up and eat brains
Universal Donor: NO THANK YOU
RockemStockem: tots
RockemStockem: also I want my ashes to be divided up and distributed amoungst my friends
RockemStockem: -- NOT spread or scattered --
RockemStockem: and put into small urns made out of hand painted eggshells
RockemStockem: in order to burden as many people as possible
Universal Donor: haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
RockemStockem: can you just imagine? for the rest of your life,
RockemStockem: everytime you move apts or whatever,
RockemStockem: you have to walk this precious thing
RockemStockem: and totally make sure it doesn't break

BIOLOGY CLASS
RockemStockem: so when you're really pregnant, don't you worry that the baby is just gonna fall out of your vagina?
Universal Donor: Um, not unless you are giving birth to a snakebaby
RockemStockem: OMG! Like on V?
Universal Donor: for example.
RockemStockem: what if I thought I was having a human baby, but instead just as I gave birth it was a snake
RockemStockem: and nobody knew,
RockemStockem: and I was pushing and then an evil snake monster just slithered out of my vagina
Universal Donor: you're making me hungry

BUG UPDATE
On my way into the office bathroom, I see a ghostly skittering presence retreat from the opening door, weirdly ghosting around a corner. It looked like a waterbug, but somehow... different. Mammalian, almost. I rounded the corner to confront this nightmare beast and it was clearly a waterbug, but of a color I had never seen before: greyish, glisteny, mottled. I smashed it with my foot and smeared it around a bit. It is also possible that I yelped a bit in uncontrolled limbic dismay.
     My report to the receptionist goes like this.
     Still shaken, I say: "I just killed the weirdest waterbug. It was like albino sort of, grayish. It was awful."
     "Oh my god, another one?"
     "Yeah."
     "Where was it?" she asks, narrowing her eyes.
     "In the men's room."
     "Hmmmmm..." she says.
     "What?"
     "Yesterday there was one in the women's."
     "Gross. Did you kill it?" I ask.
     "Yeah. We sprayed it with white furniture polish."
     "WHAT?" I gasp. "But... but... but THEN what did you do?"
     "It looked dead." She mews.
     "Did you smash it?"
     "You know I don't like going near bugs."
     "So what, you polished it and hoped for the best?"
     "No! Joe flushed it. He picked it up with a flyswatter and flushed it," she says.
     "So you put the wounded WATERbug back into the lifegiving WATER that is its very element?!?!?! Why didn't you smash it?? YOU MUST SMASH WHILE YOU CAN. What are you, a James Bond movie villain? You'd probably try to drown Popeye in a vat of spinach! Fuck. Well. I killed your zombie bug this time. Please don't ever make me do that again. "

I mean come on now!
posted by Universal Donor 2:41 PM 0 comments

OTHER REVIEWS:
Scrabble NEW!

LATEST BOOK REVIEWS:
The Game
Moneyball
One-Upsmanship
Siddhartha

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You need the
Fear Not Guide to Life.
Buy it already. ($4)

Now available!
The Broomfield Variations CD
($10)

or go to The UD Store

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MY IMAGINARY GIRLFRIENDS

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Chan Marshall
Rotem of the IDF
Eleanor Friedberger
Amy Goodman
Bernardine Dohrn ('69)
Maya Rudolph
Joanna Newsom
Imogen Heap
Caroline Dhavernas

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Shana Rae Ray

DISALLOWED FOREVER

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"I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!"
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"from whence"
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"...the exception that proves the rule"
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any use of the question "spit or swallow?"
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the phrase "drop trou"
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fake-o reviewer verbs:
"penned" for wrote
"helmed" for directed
"lensed" for whatever
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"expat"
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the euphemism
"passed away"
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pronouncing merci beaucoup as "mercy buckets!"
(see also: "grassy-ass!")

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PET PEEVES

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"confinscated"
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trying children "as adults"
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"drownded"
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misuse of reflexive pronouns, as when someone says "Please talk to Bob or myself." Come on people now. "Myself" is not just a fancy version of "me"! LEARN IT.
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tattoos in the Courier font
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any use of Comic Sans

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