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NOT BLOGS ETC

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and here's something
weird: my place
in Humor 3-space

Friday, January 23, 2009
 
Q. IS THIS WHAT YOU'VE BEEN REDUCED TO?
After watching Intervention for a while, I got a little obsessed with The Dog Whisperer. After talking incessantly about Cesar Millan, someone told me to watch Supernanny.
     All three of these shows are great, and they're all kind of the same. In each, some person or group of people (a family, parents, dog owners) calls a TV show because they are having trouble with dogs, children, or some kind of addict. In almost every case, the people who make the call think that the TV is going to roll on down and fix the mess by addressing the dog(s), kid(s), or addict. And in each case, they are totally wrong.
     The Supernanny teaches the parents how to provide discipline and structure for their kids -- and unruly behavior seems to melt away. The Interventionist explains to the addict's family and friends that the addict won't seek help as long as the family keeps providing material or emotional support -- in other words, until they change their behavior. And in my favorite of the three, The Dog Whisperer teaches the onwer(s) that they have been totally fucking with their dog's heads.
     You've really got to watch The Dog Whisperer to understand how awesome he is, and to see how many ways he has of helping the dogs by correcting their neurotic owners. But the entire gist of his program is that owners must establish themselves as the pack leader in the eyes of their dog(s), and they way to do that is to project a calm assertive energy, and to reward calm submissive behavior in their dogs. Dogs detect and will not follow a dog -- or a human -- who projects nervous, angry, unstable, or neurotic energy.

Q. SO YOU'RE OBSESSED WITH TV SHOW ABOUT DOGS. WHO CARES? DO YOU EVEN OWN A DOG?
You're right, I don't own a dog, and I've never wanted to -- until I started watching TDW. I walked my neighbors' overly energetic dog last weekend, and applied some of Cesar's techniques to great effect. I also hurt my shoulder. But since I am now obsessed with projecting a calm assertive energy around dogs, I am noticing again (as I do whenever I re-read Keith Johnstone's seminal, must-read, life-changing 1979 book Impro) the status-determining behaviors of humans.
     So here's my theory: In the age of television, Americans elect the presidential candidate who BEST projects calm assertive energy. Just like a pack of fucking dogs looking to be led. The adjective "presidential" is synonymous with "calm assertive."
     I made a stupid table to demonstrate this. Now that I look at it, it doesn't seem like very profound or new information. But, man, watching Obama at the inauguration, he was like a statue -- never moved his head unnecessarily. Very strong. No wonder he won. Policy can suck it.

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MY IMAGINARY GIRLFRIENDS

Chan Marshall
Rotem of the IDF
Eleanor Friedberger
Amy Goodman
Bernardine Dohrn ('69)
Maya Rudolph
Joanna Newsom
Imogen Heap
Caroline Dhavernas

Shana Rae Ray

DISALLOWED FOREVER

"I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!"
-
"from whence"
-
"...the exception that proves the rule"
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any use of the question "spit or swallow?"
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the phrase "drop trou"
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fake-o reviewer verbs:
"penned" for wrote
"helmed" for directed
"lensed" for whatever
-
"expat"
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the euphemism
"passed away"
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pronouncing merci beaucoup as "mercy buckets!"
(see also: "grassy-ass!")



PET PEEVES

"confinscated"
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trying children "as adults"
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"drownded"
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misuse of reflexive pronouns, as when someone says "Please talk to Bob or myself." Come on people now. "Myself" is not just a fancy version of "me"! LEARN IT.
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tattoos in the Courier font
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any use of Comic Sans