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and here's something weird: my place in Humor 3-space
Friday, July 31, 2009
On Mon, Mar 16, 2009 at 5:09 PM, d12treskey@gmail.com [d12treskey@gmail.com] wrote:
Hi,
How do i get rid of a huge painful zit? Your insight into what would be the best way to proceed would be much appreciated. A little advice would go a long way right now. I really appreciate your help.
Susan
On Tue, Mar 17, 2009 at 11:57 AM, Jeremy Broomfield [jeremybroomfield@gmail.com] wrote:
Susan,
Are you kidding? Do I know you? Why are you asking me? Because your question is music to my ears.
I have a lot of experience in this arena, but the answer will vary depending on the location, severity, and characteristics of the zit.
I see it's been 18 hours since you sent me your email. Has the situation changed? Does it still hurt? have you relieved the pressure?
If it's still hurting, tell me:
where is the zit?
what does it look like? (be as detailed as possible)
how does it hurt?
Hope I can help!
Jeremy
On Wed, Mar 18, 2009 at 4:28 PM, Derek Truskey [d12treskey@gmail.com] wrote:
worse than ever!
The zit is on my cheek and its red all around. There is no head but its very tight where it should be. It is seriously swollen. Please help!
On Wed, Mar 18, 2009 at 10:26 PM, Jeremy Broomfield [jeremybroomfield@gmail.com] wrote:
Here is what I recommend.
Go to a Rite Aid or Duane Reade
Behind the prescription counter, they sell "lancets" for people with diabetes to prick their fingers to draw blood for testing their blood sugar. Get a box of those. They come in boxes of 100, which is wasteful, but they are very cheap.
Also buy some rubbing alcohol if you don't have any.
Take them home.
Soak a washcloth in hot water and, without BURNING yourself, apply the hot washcloth to the zitty thing. Do this for like 3 whole minutes. It will bring badness close to the surface and make it easier to pop.,
Put some rubbing alcohol on the zit, and disinfect your hands while you're at it.
When you are ready, take a lancet, expose its pointy part, and stab it quickly and completely into the place where the head should be.
If stuff comes out, wipe it off!
If you squeeze, squeeze from as deeply as possible, and very gently. Don't just squeeze on the surface or you will push the goodies back in.
Disinfect the area and wash your hands when you are done!
If it seems like nothing is happening, DON'T FORCE IT. Wait a day.
Let me know how that works out for ya!
Jeremy
On Sun, Mar 29, 2009 at 5:14 PM, klein.mining@gmail.com [klein.mining@gmail.com] wrote:
How to pop painful zits? Since you have experience, I was hoping you could give me some clues as to what you look out for. Any help appreciated. Thank you for your help.
Kind Regards, Frank
On Sun, Mar 29, 2009 at 11:32 PM, Jeremy Broomfield [jeremybroomfield@gmail.com] wrote:
It's very simple, Frank.
Turn on your Flamsanger.
Make sure the turnbuckles have been tightened enough that the line thrums when plucked.
Say the "Ave Maria" five times.
Go to Chinatown in your town, wherever it is.
Eat a bowl of dick.
Hope this helps! Enjoy being a fake person!
Love, Lao Jin-Qiang
On Mon, Mar 30, 2009 at 9:23 PM, Klein Mining & Industrials [klein.mining@gmail.com] wrote:
Gee wizz. Not very nice answer. I just wanted to get rid these painful zits somehow.
On Mon, Jul 20, 2009 at 10:50 PM, iris.accountants@gmail.com [iris.accountants@gmail.com] wrote:
Why do zits hurt? I don't want to rush into anything so I was hoping you could give me some ideas as to what to avoid. A little advice would go a long way right now. Thank you so much.
Thankyou, Frank
On Fri, Jul 31, 2009 at 8:49 AM, iris.accountants@gmail.com [iris.accountants@gmail.com] wrote:
Hello,
How to brind a zit to the surface? What should I watch out for? Would you consider giving me a couple pointers? Thank you in advance.
Sincerely, Larry
On Fri, Jul 31, 2009 at 11:15 AM, Jeremy Broomfield [jeremybroomfield@gmail.com] wrote:
Larry,
To "brind," as you say, a zit to the surface, you will find that a few common kitchen utensils really come in handy! For best results, I recommend a Microplane Zester, but as those are pricey and sometimes hard to find outside metropolitan areas, a common cheese grater will suffice. Here's what you do:
Prep the area with a teaspoon of balsamic vinegar, rubbing in a clockwise motion.
Gripping the microplane zester firmly, shear off your fucking face.
Just shear it right the fuck off.
Collect in a saucepan the giblets of flesh that slurp from your ruined face. You can render them later to make soap!
Continue to apply balsamic as necessary.
Take a sharpening steel and ram it repeatedly into your ass. Experiment with different angles -- your aim is to puncture any wall of muscle you encounter. Have fun with it!
Turn a burner on the stove to high and let it get hot (you will need a gas stove for this).
Bending at the waist using a woodpecker-like motion, bash your face repeatedly into the hot metal burner grate.
DISALLOWED FOREVER
"I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!"
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"from whence"
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"...the exception that proves the rule"
- any use of the question "spit or swallow?"
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the phrase "drop trou"
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fake-o reviewer verbs:
"penned" for wrote "helmed" for directed "lensed" for whatever
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"expat"
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the euphemism "passed away"
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pronouncing merci beaucoup as "mercy buckets!" (see also: "grassy-ass!")
PET PEEVES
"confinscated"
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trying children "as adults"
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"drownded"
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misuse of reflexive pronouns, as when someone says "Please talk to Bob or myself." Come on people now. "Myself" is not just a fancy version of "me"! LEARN IT.
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tattoos in the Courier font
- any use of Comic Sans
feed it up!
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